Hubby To Be & Debt – Vent/Rant

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@laura.batty:  How did your FI gain this debt without your knowledge? From what I understand….You and your FI were 5,000 in debt but fixed that mistake over time and now you have discovered that your FI has since dug himself into more debt?

 

Financial trouble is the biggest cause of divorce so I would seek counselling because you shouldn’t be paying for a wedding alone while also being concerned about your FIs financial baggage. 

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@laura.batty:  Hmm, just sounds like financial immaturity. Does he seems honest in his desire to get better with spending or do you think this could be a future problem? Most people don’t acquire debt in one spending session so I would assume that you are correct in thinking that it was accumulated over time. 

I would highly suggest a financial course and maybe a financial counselor because the advice they give you would last you a life time. Me and my DH attend a financial class that helps us keep things on track while also learning new tips and tricks to keep our bank happy. 

I also think that a serious talk is in order because any debt outside of a car/home/ or school is worth discussing before marriage. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 7
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Definitely look into getting financial advice/counselling from an outside source, it could help you communicate better about money 🙂

Post # 8
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel for you, I really do.

I had a close friend marry a man who was charming, handsome and was making $75K a year (this was 10 years ago – so this was a LOT of money!).

A couple of weeks after they married she found out he had $60K in debt and she was horrified but she stayed.

They had two kids together, but every few months he would continue in financial infidelity. He would open up new credit cards that he never told her about. He would spend hundreds on speakers without discussing it with her. He bought all this fancy crap for his car, he would buy new electronics… and his mother would rescue him A LOT.

Now she is in the process of leaving but she is financially a shambles.

I would do more than just get counselling. I would really re-think this marriage.

You should NOT be paying for a wedding yourself.

You should NOT have to put up with financial infidelity from someone who is meant to be your partner for life.

Be really careful. Marrying someone who is dishonest and bad with money could ruin you.

 

Post # 9
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I wouldn’t be upset about the debt but about the deception. I would be really worried that he built up this debt behind your back, especially when you two already “learned your lesson.” Apparently he hasn’t. I would have a serious talk with him about financial planning and seek help. I would not marry someone who would spend and hide it from me. 

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i’d stop saving for a wedding that you can’t afford – all that money should go to paying them back immediately. 

if you have four kids and a whole life together and you just want to be married – then go down to the courthouse and out to dinner after. make a deal you’ll renew your vows on your fifth anniversary or something – when you’re in a better place financially. 

it’s unfortunate, but i look at it this way – until you’re completely out of debt, every penny you spend is someone else’s penny. 

Post # 12
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@peonyinlove:  +1 

@laura.batty: It’s an unfortunate circumstance, but the best thing you can do is deal with the debt. Pay it down quickly. Can you have a small backyard wedding/reception? Or do cake and champaigne?

You both should seek financial counseling and possibly traditional counseling. I would be concerned about his honesty with spending. You should try to figure this out before the wedding and be sure you are both on the same page.

 Good luck OP!

 

Post # 14
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@laura.batty:  In the grand scheme of things, $8,000 is nothing. Millions of people would LOVE to only have $8,000 in debt.

Post # 15
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@laura.batty:  Well, to me it’s ”just” 8k, and it can probably be paid off within a year. I would advise though, to make a budget and have an agreement on how this money will be paid off, and stick to that.

That’s what I had to do with FI, but the other way around : his father owes him close to 20K. It costs FI hundreds each month just to pay for interests. That’s nonsense and I stood up to my FI and told him he needed to sit down with his father, show him the numbers, and agree on a reimbursement plan with him that doesn’t only cover the minimal fees, but will give the money back to FI. He needs it, he went back to college to have a bachelor’s degree, and right now according to the budget I made with him, he would get into debt 700$ PER MONTH for the next 3 years unless his father starts paying him back. The interest fees are so huge and there is no way FI is getting into debt when he’s not even the one who owes money. 

Post # 16
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

I have to say that it’s incredibly dismissive to say to the OP that its *just* $8000 and that it can easily be paid off in a year. In who’s world? Probably not the world of a single-income-4-children household. I mean, thats $666 a month which is not exactly a drop in the bucket for someone who clearly stated that things are *tight* for them already and they have to save up for a night of take-out. So could we please be sensitive to the idea that not everyone is rolling in it and not give someone the *pssh, that’s nothin’* flip of the hand?

 

As far as a wedding goes, I agree that this is not something you should be spending money on at this point in your life. I mean, its essentially just a big party and I think it is probably a slap in the face to your families to be saving up or spending money on a big self-indulgent party when you are still just steps away from having needed family financial help. For instance, you just moved out of his mother’s *a few years ago* and owe thousands to another family member. A night of take-out is a stretch. Those are not the sort of circumstances you throw an expensive, unnecessary party under, ya know?

 

Fact is, we can’t have/afford to have every single thing we want in life so we pick and choose. You chose having four children over having a pretty pretty princess party. I think the wedding needs to be on the *luxeries we’d like to buy in the future when we’re flush* category.

ETA: and as a Mom, I can tell you that I wouldn’t offer to pay for or contribute financially to a wedding either if you had gone ahead and had 4 children first because my time, energy and money would have been already spent on the children. 

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