Post # 1
We had a huge fight on Friday after he came home drunk (hanging out with old college friends). It seems like ever since we announced our engagement all of his friends want to take him out drinking to celebrate:( None of them are in serious relationships and I don’t think they understand how much their “fun” puts on our relationship) I don’t mind him going out with the guys once in awhile, but it’s been almost nonstop since we told everyone! They always include me in their outings, but Friday enough was enough so I came home early. During our arguing we said some hurtful things to eachother. I’m so upset still- he’s appologized a million times and promised not to have another drink for 6 months and no more partying with his friends. I feel like they don’t want to lose him (the crazy fun one) to me (the no more fun wife). I love him so much, has anyone else experienced “friend wars” like this? What do I do? Tell them to leave him alone & risk looking more like the bad guy? I don’t want tension on my big day:( I’m so sad about this situation- we had such a good week, we found our new home (right across the street from the ocean in Narragansett RI) For the first time in my life I felt like I had everything I ever wanted, and now Im so mad I don’t want to plan another thing.
Post # 3
I would accept his apology and let him know that you don’t mind him going out with friends, but that you want balance. He shouldn’t have to give up hanging out with them, but you also shouldn’t have to leave early without him. When your ready to go then it is time for both of you to leave. If he goes out without you, keep it to a minimum.
When we go out with my husbands friends we have a rule that even if I’m the one who wants to leave first, he is the one that initiates the goodbyes and he never places blame on me for making him leave early. This is important so that his friends don’t look at me as the one who dampens the fun. When we are out with my friends I always "take the blame" for leaving early so my husband isn’t the one who is viewed negatively.
We also take turns drinking so one of us can drive. I believe strongly that a social life is important and that only bad things can happen when we forbid our spouses to hang out with friends.
Post # 4
I think you guys should sit down and talk. You shouldnt have to be the one to go to his friends and tell them to stop. he should also understand that he needs to be able to excerise some control over how many drinks he is drinking and or how frequently he is going out. I think if you step in and tell his friends to stop that is only going to make the situation worse.
Sounds like you guys just need some open communication about the situation. Just rememeber, to no have an accusing tone (if possible) just try to nicely explain why you feel a certain way and ask for his help in certain areas. Don’t tell him what he is and isnt going to do, because that is just going to get him on the defensive and might make it worse. Even if he snaps at you or using a tone that would make you want to be defensive, don’t ‘let your feathers get ruffled.’. Be calm, count to three if you need to and remember how much you love him and you are willing to work through this.
Post # 5
I think it’s normal to have a big fight right after a really big change in your relationship like becoming engaged. My FI and I had a really big shouting match not long after we moved in together. The important thing is to learn to resolve these problems like adults. We never, NEVER go to bed angry with each other, and that is a huge help for us.
Being engaged means you’re going to be married, which in turn means you have to compromise. You’re very lucky that his friends include you in their outings, but if you want some alone time just the two of you, speak up. It is also important to make sure that you are taking time apart from each other sometimes.
It sounds like your biggest problem is with his drinking, and that is an issue you should definitely work on together. You don’t want to be married to someone who drinks every day if you’re a teetotaler.
For now, you should probably talk through what is bothering you- the drinking or going out all the time. Let him know why it bothers you even though you’re always included. It’s all about communication! And don’t make him beg for your forgiveness, if he has apologized sincerely, it’s easiest to just let it go.
Post # 6
Well I for one, don’t have a problem with my guy hanging with his friends. But they usually don’t get completely drunk though. They watch football. Sometimes it’s at his house (he has a big screen) and other times it’s out. What IS important is I trust him. If you trust him, he can go just about anywhere with his friends.
Unless you want him making an issue of your nights out with your girlfriends, then I would stop. I think the real issues here are two: drinking until completely drunk, and trust.
Do you completely trust him?
Do you want to place parameters on each other?
A relationship is best imho when there is complete trust and emphasis not only on you two as a couple, but how you two have a complete life together and that includes time with your friends also. You cannot shut your fiance or husband away from his friends nor can he do that to you.
now to the drinking part…
Lots of bad things however CAN happen if both of you drink until completely drunk. Inhibitions are lowered thus actions can happen that one of you could completely regret and be a deal breaker and words can be said that are harmful or hurtful. That’s why I think it’s VERY IMPORTANT that neither of you drink until completely drunk. Plus it’s harmful to ones health.
Talk these two issues out. Both should be easily solved. A beer or two doesn’t hurt..but too much is too much. And trust is the foundation of your life together also.
~Belle N Ga
Post # 7
Hi, I don’t want to make assumptions, but is his drinking really out of hand? If he really has trouble controlling how much he drinks, then I don’t think that 6mos sober is going to be the answer. Either he needs to mature into less college-style drinking habits, or he has a serious problem that will likely mean that he can’t drink ever. In the former case, it sounds like you really need to talk about what’s going on and how you want your social life to be. B/c it’s not like you’re going to be okay with him constantly getting drunk with his college buddies six months from now. If you need for your lives to change, then it’ll be easier if you make that happen in a proactive and constructive way without arbitrary time lines restricting behavior. If you do have a suspicion that he has a real drinking problem, then I think it might help to talk to a group like Al-Anon or something. If nothing else it might help you put into perspective his drinking habits and assuage any fears. This is just the beginning of your lives together, and it’s a great time to start on the path fully accepting each other.
I think transitioning to "the rest of our lives" is really hard. Neither of us is religious but we are looking into pre-marital counseling b/c I think it’ll be helpful to have someone who’s seen it all before help us identify and talk through important issues. And it sounds like maybe this is one you hadn’t considered before. I don’t know what the best solution is for you, but what you’ve described sounds like it might be a temporary fix. I think it’s really important to be able to tell him how you feel and get beyond his begging for forgiveness. Very likely he’s got his own stuff going on. And maybe he feels like he can’t figure out a way to keep his friendships and enter into his marriage. It sounds like it might help to ask him what he’s feeling and what he needs as well.
I hope this is helpful!
Post # 8
When it became obvious that we were serious and that our relationship wasn’t just another "fling," we sat down with each other and went over what was "ok" and what "wasn’t ok." It wasn’t so much setting limits with each other as it was avoiding something down the road.
I don’t think this is so much of a trust thing as it is about his friends’ way of celebrating. It’s like a continuous bachelor party based on the way you described it! It’s ok for him to go out with his friends from time to time, especially when they include you in their shenanigans. It’s NOT ok for you to leave feeling hurt and miserable.
We do something similar as caliocteach–i take the blame when we’re out with my friends, and he does the same with him. We don’t leave without the other.
Along the same vein, we do make time for our friends without each other–it’s important to maintain other relationships, even when you’re completely wrapped up in each other.
It doesn’t have to be about losing a friend to marriage, and if he’s the first of his friends to"take the plunge," it may just be some insecurity all around.
Open, honest communication. So important.
Post # 9
You should definately not tell his friends to get lost. However, he should be checking with you when he makes plans, and the two of you should have an agreement about what is reasonable. Getting married doesn’t only mean that he needs to spend less time drinking with his buddies – it means that he should WANT to spend less time drinking with his buddies, because he spends more time with you. And the time he spends with you should be about things the two of you both want to do – not just about him including you in plans he has made independent of what you would like to do.
My husband always checks with me (and I check with him) when we make plans. It’s not unreasonable at all to ask "Honey, do we have something planned for Saturday or is it okay if I spend all afternoon wine tasting with the girls? (watching football with the guys?)" And it’s also okay to say "You know, we have plans with those people Friday night – why don’t we NOT spend Saturday night with them too." Or – "We went out with your friends last weekend; let’s go out with my friends, or just have an evening the two of us." And it’s also reasonable to agree as to when the evening out ends, and I think that catrelle83 has a really good policy in that if you show up together, you leave together.
If he can’t tell his own friends when enough is enough, or if every time he starts drinking he’s just unwilling to cut it off and go home until the bars close, you do have another problem. And it may not be just a communication problem. Having dated a guy for several years who was simply unable to stop drinking until the bars closed, I think you need to take a serious look at that issue. I’m also concerned that his response is to offer to swear off alcohol altogether for some period of time. People who can drink responsibly don’t need to give it up altogether in order to keep from coming home drunk every weekend night. People who have to completely avoid alcohol in order to avoid drinking uncontrollably are alcoholics. Before you marry him you should seriously understand the extent of the issue.
Post # 10
Sometimes its not worth fighting over if they are willing to compromise. I would say if he said he was sorry and really meant it and things change I would just let it go. Don’t get me wrong I know it can be frustrating and its like talking to a wall sometimes but, I’m sure with how angry you are he probably got the point!
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2009 - Harbison Chapel & The Maple Lane Farm
It sounds like what you need is to know that he will slow it down. Even though he has appologized maybe it would make you feel better if he could explain to his friends that – it’s not like you want to spoil his fun, he just doesn’t need to be going out and getting smashed as much as he has been. Maybe from now on the both of you can plan to go out with his friends and plan an early night so no one ends up really drunk at the end of the evening, and no one ends up being the bad guy. You don’t need to be drunk to have fun right? Show them that it’s true.
Also, do you think it’s just a phase because of the engagement? If so I would hang in there, things should go back to normal soon. But talk to him so he understands the "not having a drink for 6 months" is not a solution you are happy with. Good luck!
Post # 12
Oh, I feel for you. And I feel for him, and his friends. My fiance moved to my hometown with me, leaving most of his own friends behind, so he is almost always stuck hanging out with my friends. I know he gets tired of them sometimes, so we definately make time for just the two of us. The girls are forever having conflicts with him over how I spend my time. He’s supportive of girls’ nights, but he does get a little irritated when I go out with the girls too often. At the same time, my friends complain that I’m not with them enough and are always trying to get me to do more ‘single’ stuff with them. Its just part and parcel of moving on with life, and especially if you are getting married before most of your friends, they are going to want to hold on to the good old days. Meanwhile you are doing bigger things like getting married and buying a house. So tell your fiance how you’re feeling, but don’t be too hard on him or his friends, and try to make sure the guys understand they won’t totally lose their buddy when the two of you get married.
Post # 13
I understand where you’re coming from, but I agree with a lot of what has been said here. You both need to compromise, if he is a partier and a drinker maybe you should re-think who you are marrying. You can’t expect him to become a different person than what he was when you met him. Sure you will both grow and change as time goes on, but if he is social and likes to have a drink or two (or 3 or 4) then you need to see where he’s coming from. If you don’t like these things then you need to talk to him about it. My fiancee and I went through a similar problem after dating for a while and we’ve found that if we have a date night, just the 2 of us once a month neither of us feels like we are neglecting either our friends or one another.
Post # 14
What are your actual complaints? That he is hanging out with his friends too much? (and not enough time with you?) That he is drinking too much? A combination of the two?
Separate out your concerns and address them singly with your fiance. If you had your fight/conversation while he was drunk, have it again when you are both calm and sober. Try and come to a compromise on how much time you want to spend together and how often you want to go out with his friends, and while you are out, what sort of behavior you want to engage in. Maybe his drinking would be less problematic if he went out less frequently, or maybe the outings would be less problematic if he drank less while out. The point is to focus on planning for the future, not rehashing what has happened in the past.
Above all, he and his friends need to understand that his getting married does not mean he is morphing into another person or moving to the moon. He is going to have different priorities now but that doesn’t mean that he will abandon his friends. He can talk to his friends about this, and you can talk to one another about this. It’s normal to encounter bumps in these transition times. Remember to take the transitions slowly and don’t push for too much change too soon (unless his drinking is really out of control, in which case you might have another problem entirely, and no drinking for 6 months would not solve it) or else you may encounter resistance and resentment. Good luck!
Post # 15
Agree with suzanno. The "I won’t drink for 6 months" is a red flag to me. I have dated a guy who drank too much – and he would promise to stop. If you have to promise to stop completely, either there is a real alcohol problem that needs to be addressed and dealt with or you have a guy who just doesn’t know how to exercise self control. I think you two should get some professional help to sort this out.
Post # 16
Thank you for your advice everyone- we sat down and had a long talk. We’ve decided that we should be enjoying this time, and we both want to move on from this. We love eachother too much to let these things continue to cause conflict. So we have decided no more alcohol, and working on building friendships with other couples so that the focus is just on having a good time. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll continue to hang out with his friends, we’ll just divide out time with new and old. Maybe this will encourage his wild single friends to calm down and get over their frat days- they’ve been out of school for 10 years!!! It would also be nice to not have a bunch of 30 something men sitting around my kitchen table at the end of the night practically in tears, because they have these huge houses to go home to with nobody in them to go home to. I know that it’s hard for Nate to be the 1st out of all of the guys to get married, and I know that his friends def fear losing the life of the party. As he put it last night, he’s looking forward to us starting a family of our own, where he’s the life of the party at our future childrens parties, and that’s all he wants. So, I think he’s ready to start transitioning into our new life together. I’m so happy that we had this fight, we were able to iron out a lot of things, and it reminded us both that we’re so lucky to be in love with eachother:) Thank You All:)