Huge fight with SO. Don't know what to do. Advice needed.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Never allow someone to pressure you into anything, first of all. Although you’ve been together so long and I can see where you’re conflicted, I feel like the comment “I would probably move in with him just to make him happy” sums it up. It would be for him. Not both of you.

Personally, I live with my FI. I see where your BF is coming from. However, driving a wedge between you & your family is a major issue. If he feels this strongly against your family’s ways, what other conflicts would you have in the future? 

It’s not a great situation at all, and I have very limited advice. But I’ve personally been pressured in a similar situation and it didn’t end well. Every relationship has compromise, and I don’t think that it’s unfair that you stick to your guns in this situation. You’re not ready for marriage, he hasn’t put a ring on it, and creating a giant family rift is not something you want to do. 

I just want to say, finally, that it’s not unheard of for couples to go to counseling before even getting engaged. I’m an advocate for not allowing others to dictate your relationship choices, but Would it be possible to discuss this with your parents included? Not so much to allow them input, but to make it clear to them AND your BF that while you value their opinion, that you are in a compromising position and want him to know he’s also important. 

Post # 3
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

I am actually on your BF’s side with this, I think he’s being really realistic to want to live together before getting married, it makes a lot of sense relationship-wise. I think it’s more likely that your parents threaten to disown you for moving in with him (meaning they just try to scare you with it to try to control you), but don’t actually disown you when push comes to shove. He’s right, you are choosing the needs of your parents over your relationship. You should live your life based on what’s best for you, instead of what’s best for your parents.

Post # 4
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Chocolateprincess:  The standard compromise I often see in this situation is to get engaged, move in together, and then plan to have a wedding 12-18 months afterwards. It’s a nod to the idea of committing to marriage without actually getting married before moving in together. Yes, you are out a few hundred or thousand dollars for an engagement ring if it all goes south, but it gives you some space and a test run before you are legally tied together.

The fact is that you have completely different ideals here – you want marriage, he wants to be sure the relationship is strong in all aspects before marriage. With the engagement-first model, he gets his test run, you get partial commitment, and your parents get some consolation that the wedding is happening soon.

If he is not willing to make a public declaration of your love and to spring for an engagement ring after 4 years together to try to give this a chance of working out, then you know he wasn’t that serious about you to begin with. Similarly, if you aren’t willing to compromise by assuaging his fears and moving in with him after engagement, then he knows that you are more driven by what your parents want than he does (or are otherwise fundamentally incompatible). Compromise has to go both ways.

Post # 5
Member
4758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am also on your BF’s side. I have a friend that’s very similar to you and at some point you have to cut the umbilical cord and live your own life and make your own decisions. I also have another friend who’s parents were pissed when she moved in with her boyfriend and threatened to disown her. Three years letter they still live together and she’s still very involved with her family. I completely understand your BF’s view and can see why he feels like your parents are more important. If you want to marry him then you need to realize HE will become your family and will (well should) be number 1 in your life. 

Post # 6
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I see both sides, so do what makes you happy- not him. It sounds like you prefer to live at home until marriage so stick to that. If we were talking about sex instead of cohabitation, no one would be telling you to compromise on that. And this is coming from a girl who lived with her guy for 3 years before marriage. 

If he has to pressure you into it, it’s not right for you. 

Post # 7
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The OP has not just changed her culture and family, if her BF has been around for 4 years, he should know that they live a certain way and I feel that he should respect that. It’s a bigger issue than just cutting the cord with your parents, this is everything  OP has known growing up and she clearly is not happy about it as she says she would move in “just to please him”.

I can understand why the BF wants to live together first, but it should be a joint decision, not one to force somebody into. My DH would never try to come between me and my family.

Perhaps a possible compromise would be for you to live alone for a while, not to move in with him immediately, but to have your own place and a bit more independence from your family and then reassess if and when you decide to get engaged.

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What do you want?  

Post # 9
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Chocolateprincess:  You know, it sounds like the two of you really have different priorities, and I wonder if you shouldn’t just find someone more on the same page. You started dating young, and he probably assumed at age 19 that you’d just change to be more like him over time. Instead, you have stuck to your guns, and he is annoyed. He knows family is really important to you, and he is trying to make you feel guilty for that being the case. His family isn’t important to him, so he thinks that it shouldn’t be for you, either. And when it is, he accuses you of not caring about him. That’s pretty unacceptable in my book.

This isn’t just an issue of “your parents won’t like it,” but he is asking you to abandon your entire upbringing, and I see very little in your post indicating that he’s 100% sure he has any plans of being with you forever. This is entirely different from just “cutting the umbilical chord” (something it sounds like you are already on your way to with your banging job). This is burning all the bridges you have. So basically, he wants to to drop your entire support system and everything (aside from him) that you love, so that he might-maybe-sort-of-start-to-possibly-think-about marrying you? Please.

Plus, much as plenty of people promote living together first, statistically, marriages begun from cohabitation actually have an ever so slightly higher fail rate than those that don’t, so do NOT let him make you feel like you are being naive or childish or anything else for not wanting to cohabitate first. If you feel uncomfortable moving in with him, do NOT do it “just to make him happy.” That is not what healthy relationships are built upon.

Post # 10
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Atalanta:  + 1

 

At the end of the day, what are your beliefs on the matter? Take out your parents beliefs and your BFs beliefs and decide what you want for yourself. 

Post # 11
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

And for the record, if it’s what you want, there’s nothing wrong with not living together before engagement or marriage. If it’s going to have that big of an impact on you & your family (forever relationships), I wouldn’t do it without a ring at least. Unfortunately, boyfriends come and go. FWIW, I waited until we were engaged, though that was as much about encouraging the proposal as anything.

Post # 12
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Do you want to live with him for you or just to make him happy?  If the only reason you aren’t is you parents tha. I’m on his side. To be honest if my parents disowned me for doing what made me happy I wouldn’t want them in my life.

If you don’t want to move in before marriage you need to stop using you parents as an excuse.  You need to think about what you want while pretending you parents don’t exist. 

I also strongly think every couple should luve together before marriage. The entire relationship changes while living together.  I spend 3 nights and 5 days a week with my fiancé before we lived together.  So I understand thinking you wpend so much time together anyway that should be enough.  It isn’t.  Things are different living together. 

But I also like the compromise of engagement then move out then get married.

Post # 13
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Chocolateprincess:  I am also from a religion and culture where moving in is a big no. Your BF is disrespecting you and your family by trying to make you do something he knew you would never be able to do from the start. I support you 100%. 

Post # 14
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

Chocolateprincess: It sounds to me like he is asking you to sacrifice your family’s good opinion/support of you, and possibly their reputation in your broader community. I don’t know your specific background but the general premise is very familiar to me.

What I would say is this – I would probably sacrifice the ties I have to my family if I had to choose between them and my partner (eg. If they were racist and therefore disapproved of us being together, they’re not, it’s just a hypothetical). However, I would only do this because my partner is the sort of person who would never ask me to destroy those relationships, which he knows are very precious to me.

If the two of you getting married will not be a deal breaker with your family, just the living together beforehand, he is asking you to choose when there is no need. That is an extraordinary request.

He sounds very insecure, perhaps try explaining it this way (if it’s true). If your parents gave you an ultimatum (“him or us”) I am getting the impression you would choose him, but that is not what is happening here. He is making you choose, yet calling them unreasonable and calling you immature. There is nothing immature about valuing family ties and wanting to cultivate those supports that have helped you reach your current success, also understanding that they will probably help you (and your family unit) succeed later on too! I am guessing your parents who are not divorced did not live together before marriage!

Possible other means of resolution.

1. See if you can go on travelling together (depending on the cultural expectations around that, sometimes rules are less strict when the local community isn’t able to gossip), that can be a shared experience where you can see how the two of you get on.

2. Suggest couples counselling, not because there is a problem, because you want to get married and a marriage preparation course can be a great way to talk about the things that matter and see what your relationship’s strengths and ‘areas of growth’ can be. 

Post # 15
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Chocolateprincess:  he should not be forcing you to do something you are not comfortable doing.

Not only is he disrespecting you, hut he is disrespecting your parents.

I had a similar issue. DH wanted to move in together, not bc he wanted us to live together before marriage to test the waters but bc my moms house (where i lived) was just a horrible place and he coukdnt take it. (Horrible in the sense that my aunt who i dont speak to lives downstairs with her son, my cousin, and they just made life hell). 

we got engaged and moved in together 7 months before the wedding. My mom was a little shocked but accepted it bc we were engaged and getting married in a few months.

I think your bf is not being understanding. And you are not being controlled and living off your parents money, you are respecting them.

You also need to figure out if maybe you do want to live with him. If thats the case, you should get a ring first. (Personally, I would never move in with someone unless we were engaged, but thats my opinion). If you do want to live with him, and nkt just to make him happy, then maybe you can sit down with your parents and BF and come to a happy medium. Or maybe you can live with him part time? Like Thurs to Sunday?

I hope it works out for you two

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