Post # 1
SO leaves tomorrow for the States for christmas and we went out to do some shopping. We were walking home and were about to cross the zebra crossing when a car cuts in front of us very fast. He nearly hit me and I actually got scared so i knocked on this guy’s window and when he lowered it said – Do be careful there is a zebra crossing here- This man starts shouting at me that he hadn’t seen me and that I was an idiot and an ugly monster and [email protected]#$ off.
SO grabs my arm and takes me away but I got really upset with him. I know his italian isn’t great, but this man’s tone was clearly very agressive and insulting and he just didn’t react. Abd it’s not only this time, he never steps up and defend me in any circumstance. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great person and I know he loves me very much but this is really starting to get to me. Maybe because I have always been surrounded by very macho men (my dad, my ex, my brother) but T=this thing really upset me and I told him. He said that punching the guy wouldn’t make the situation better and he just wanted to get out but still it hurts me that he didn’t react.
I know it’s an irrational thing because he was being sensible but this has happened a few times (for example we had a discussion with a neighbour and he just let me deal with this guy without doing anything) and I’ve told him before that even though I know he doesn’t feel confident about his italian I’d appreciate if he stepped in, but he doesn’t seem to have gotten the message.
He left now to go run a few last errands and I’ve been at home crying and I’m not really sure what to do.
Post # 3
My FI does the same time thing… Not that we have been in a situation quite like yours, but my FI almost always takes the stranger’s side when there is a conflict driving, out shopping, etc. It really hurt my feelings as well, until I just accepted that he is like that. Instead of dwelling on how bad it made me feel, I realized how forgiving my FI is to all strangers and focus on how this can be a good quality.
Sorry this happened to you. 🙁 my main advice is to not dwell on it too much and just be your own advocate.
Post # 4
@sleepyhead22: It’s kind of hard because the only other serious relationship I had my ex was extremely protective of me (sometimes too much!) but sometimes I just feel like it makes me feel less attracted to him. Sorry it’s just upseting me so much and I’m upset that it’s ruining our last day together before christmas!
Post # 5
@sleepyhead22: Also people here in Italy tend to be very agressive, I mean this would never have happened in the UK!
Post # 6
Youre right, you are being irrational. Your SO did the right thing in this situation. You don’t know anything about the man in that car- what if he had a gun? What if he followed you after being provoked? It’s not about being macho, it’s about being sensible and keeping a good head on your shoulders when being confronted.
Post # 7
Hmmm, I’m a bit torn on this one. I get why you are upset and needing to feel that sense of protection. However, just by reading this post I feel you were the instigator. Granted, the guy was going too fast but you were the one to ’cause the scene’. And there’s a chance you may do this more than you think. If that’s the case, your SO may love you to pieces but when a situation arises he may not feel that yelling at the other person is validated. He shouldn’t have to clean up the messes that you may be causing. In the case above, when he grabbed you away, he was doing what he felt was best by getting YOU away from the situation and that IS protection. I’m not trying to sound like a jerk, but that’s the vibe I picked up on from the post.
For now, I would kiss and makeup before he leaves and then spend some time thinking about you and what you want in a relationship…Do you usually instigate? Is it important for you to be with an “alpha” male?
Post # 8
I think he did the right thing; what would facing up to the guy have achieved? If the guy was a careless driver, and reacted aggressively when you politely pointed out his error, then there is every chance that things would have escalated beyond all proportion had he waded in; and what exactly would that have achieved?… Nothing; possibly injury to your OH right on top of Christmas, for no reason other than you want to feel ‘protected’. I would also say that what he did was the more ‘manly’ thing: rather than risking physical harm to both himself and to you, he was a man about it and knew that removing yourselves from the situation was the best course of action. I see nothing ‘unmanly’ about this; just a shrewd, sensible man.
As far as the neighbourly dispute goes, I don’t know your OH, but if he isn’t very good at Italian, again, how much could he add to any discussions/arguments with this neighbour? I see no reason why you couldn’t have handled it alone given that you speak the language and he doesn’t.
Post # 9
Would you have been satisfied if he had punched the guy? Cussed him out? I HATE when my fiance reacts too strongly to things that insult him or me. He is constantly saying he’s going to kick someone’s ass, and it really upsets me b/c I just don’t think it’s necessary when he could just walk away. If he were to get in a fight and get hurt, or ARRESTED, it would make things worse for US, which is more of an issue to me than him yelling/fighting with a complete stranger.
It honestly seems to me that by him taking your arm and removing you, he DID react and difused the situation in a very mature, reasonable way. You seem to know that you are being irrational, so I think you should just get your tears out, and maybe discuss it calmly when he gets home.
Is there something else that is making this problem seem bigger? My fiance and I have been blowing up at each other over little things lately b/c of a much bigger issue that we didn’t want to discuss….until last night, and I feel better today.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@atlbride2013: +1 Sometimes keeping the peace is better than a full-blown fight. Some people are just non-confrontational. His Italian isn’t good, what do you want him to say to people who you feel are being rude?
Post # 11
@Leelee26: I also agree with this. I do wonder whether you sometimes court confrontation. I have a short temper, but know how and when to keep it in check and honestly, had what happened to you happened to me, I’d probably have called the guy all the names under the sun once he’d driven off, and recorded his registration number and reported him, but no way in hell would I have knocked on his window and remonstrated with him. There are some nasty people out there, and you need to know when it’s best just to let something go. You telling him off is highly unlikely to make him think twice or change his driving, so it achieves nothing, and puts you at unnecessary risk
Post # 12
@walnutgirl: My advice is not to engage in fights you cannot take care of yourself. I read an article once about how women start fights with men and then expect or need their man to get them out of it. Men do not want to get punched in the face because of something you said – but that is often what happens. Your actions could put you and your SO in harms way. It’s not about him not defending you, it’s about him not engaging in the situation and making it even worse. Don’t run your mouth and then expect someone else to come to your rescue. I can’t stand when my SO reacts like that. I once got spit in the face by a stranger I had done nothing to. I was LIVID when my SO tried to go after him. Real men don’t fight.
If people in Italy are known to be aggressive why the hell would you go ape shit on a stranger like that? He could have pulled a gun out and shot you. It’s one thing if you were in legitimate danger and he did nothing but you weren’t and no offense but if you were you brought it on yourself.
Post # 14
I’m assuming the gent you confronted spoke Italian, and your SO doesn’t speak much Italian? What were you expecting him to do? Language barriers suck, truthfully.
What is the ideal situation you had wanted? That he had tapped the window and yelled at a guy who (presumably) didn’t understand? Punched him? Shoved you behind his back and flexed his muscles at the guy?
Engaging an aggressive person, driving or not, isn’t the smartest thing to do. To defend you from a douchebag in a bar, sure. To just someone who cut you off in a crosswalk, not so much.
While I understand you want him to look out for you, realistically, what did you want him to do? There isn’t really a lot he could do aside from was his finger at the driver that wouldn’t get him into legal trouble.
Edit: If you were so scared, why did you engage? Why did you knock on the guy’s window?
Post # 15
@walnutgirl: I think you need to look at your relationship and see if you are getting what you want out of it. I think its irrational to expect your fi to pick a fight for you. A marine in my city was just killed because he was defending his wife who picked a fight with a man in the quarter. In this crazy world that man could have had a gun or a knife and could have killed your fi for picking a fight. I don’t start fights that I can’t handle myself.
Post # 16
I can handle it fine, I just simply would like to feel that he is there supporting me even in more mundane situations. I guess i have been raised with the idea that if something i think is wrong happens you don’t just let it happen, standing right next to us on that zebra crossing was a woman with two small children my reaction wasn’t to just ignore twhat had happened but to tell the guy he should be more careful. The woman actually told him the same thing and he screamed at her too so he was clearly a weirdo.
Anyway I by no means say my SO should be picking fights. I’m saying sometimes I feel like I have to handle everything on my own, be it booking a doctors appointment or handling a problem with a neighbour.
If the situation had been reversed I would have chipped in immediatly, i would never sit by passively as someone screamed at my SO.