Weddingbee Boards

Hi Bees, this is my first post so apologies in advance if I mess it up!

I am having a really big problem with my wedding invitation addressing.  The wedding isn't for another 10 months but we are sending the STDs soon so the topic of how to address everything has come up recently.  I am *highly* offended by the use of Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Lastname with no mention of the woman's name.  To me it's an archaic "etiquette rule" that fails to recognize a woman as anything more than her husband's wife and not an individual person.  Just because something has "always" been done a certain way or "etiquette dictates" this or that doesn't make it right.  I am adamant about addressing all of our invitations (except maybe a small handful- the ones to our grandparents' generation is my concession) as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst and Herfirst Lastname.  However, my mom is totally not okay with this for anyone other than our friends, and apparently she discussed it with FMIL who is demanding that all of her guests' invited be done the old-skool way.  

Mom's argument is that because she and my dad are doing the inviting (aka footing the bill) that they can put it however they want, and I think because it's my wedding and because I find the whole using only his name thing to be unbearably sexist that my wishes should be respected.  I see nothing crude or improper about using both first names like above, or Mr. Hisfirst and Mrs. Herfirst Lastname.  Heck, I'd rather skip all titles and just say Hisfirst and Herfirst Lastname.  It's gotten to the point where I wish we'd just eloped so we could have avoided all this, or had a wedding on the cheap but paid for it all ourselves because I am so upset about everything.  I'm not interested in being labeled a Bridezilla or having a major blowup with my mom or FMIL but their way is NOT going to fly with me and I don't know how to resolve this.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom that can help me out of this bind?  Thanks for reading and best wishes to all!

I think if you need their money, you've got to deal with their "rules". Sorry. If you want to do everything your exact way, you should pay for the wedding yourself and then you won't have to answer to anybody. As far as the invitations go, I don't think that Mr. and Mrs. Kate and Howard Smith even looks good. It is just too much the way you want to write it. If it were me, I would do Mr. and Mrs. Howard Smith and call it a day. What's the big deal really? You addressing the invite using my first name isn't going to change years of being treated as a second class citizen. :) (So kidding here!) Your mother and MIL make be trying to make the point that a lot of woman LIKE to get things addressed like that and who are you to change it? Your wedding really isn't a time to make a statement like that IMO. Good Luck though. Sounds like you've got a rough road ahead of you. You need to sit down with whoever is paying and see what they want before you start planning I think. Your mother (and MIL) seem to have some pretty concrete ideas.

Thanks also KateMW.   I guess for me, I like the saying of Ghandi: "You must be the change you want to see in the world."  I know that how I address my invites won't change things in the grand scheme of things, but I feel that if I were to use the traditional formal I would be betraying my own convictions and being untrue to myself.  I just can't imagine that any woman would be offended by having her first name on the invite (although I do know that many women aren't at all bothered by it) but to do otherwise offends my liberal semi-feminist self. :)  Thanks for the feeback!

Thanks for the input.  I am not interested in rubbing anyone the wrong way, but that inclues myself too! :) Guess you can't please everyone all the time and all that.  I will take your thoughts to heart.  I am sure we can come up with something that gives everyone something to be happy about, but not a perfect solution for everyone. 

Still working on getting FH to wear All-Stars for the reception...that might be a harder battle than this one since I'm an indie weirdo marrying a major prep! :) 

I say choose your battles for something your guests will really notice, like an unorthodox reading during the ceremony or daffodils instead of roses in your bouquet. While it stinks, if your parents are paying, then they are the hosts of the party - and the hosts decide all. Hopefully they will be more flexible on other issues.

While I totally agree with you on this one, is there perhaps an equally formal but less misogynistic way to address the envelopes that you and your mom can both agree on?  Perhaps "Mr. and Mrs. Jones," for example? 

Since it sounds like you can't get your way on this one (and maybe it's a battle you shouldn't wage), it sounds like your options are to bite your tongue and sacrifice your principles or find a compromise, either in the way they're addressed or your mom's understanding of your motivations... which just might turn into a win-win.

Best of luck. 

This might be harsh, but... I have to say it. I read posts like this all the time, and I can't help feeling astonished about how many people have really lost their grasp of reality. Like so many other things, take a step back and really ask yourself- is this fight WORTH it? Is it worth all the stress and tears and arguments? Be honest with yourself- try to extract yourself from the wedding world you're (and we're all!!) wrapped up in. If you're going to let something like this bother you to the extent that it is, then I think you're going to have much bigger issues in the road that lies ahead...

Bottom line: it's ink on a piece of paper that WILL get thrown away. Maybe glanced at, but it's mostly for the post office so they know what the hell to do. I learned this through many arguments with my mom over invitations- I wanted letterpress, but it's just not in the budget. I yelled and cried and said she didn't understand and embarrased myself to the point where I still feel ashamed at the immaturity of it all. She had a very valid point: invitations serve the purpose of telling people where to go and when to do it and why they're doing it. Only about 1% of the people are actually going to save it (maybe family?) and the other 99% are going to throw it away after they're tired of seeing it clutter up their fridge for a few months after the wedding. In the end, I learned a very valuable lesson: it just wasn't worth the fight, the tears, and the stress. 

Relax, and concentrate on what's important: you are marrying the love of your life, and this time period should be the happiest time of your life- not a time where you're fighting with everyone else over how to address a name on an envelope. Is that what you're going to want to remember down the road?  

I'm sorry if that was really harsh, but sometimes a kick in the pants is what we all need to bring us back down to reality. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding.  

Your mom seems very quick to threaten to withdraw funding. You mention fiance wants to wear converse shoes, and she'll withdraw funding. You mention addressing the envelopes and she threatens to withdraw funding.

Maybe you could ask her to compromise: you'll address elder family members and her (and FMIL's) guests as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname"; you'll address your friends and "Hername and Hisname Lastname".

If she still won't budge, then I don't know what to say. Maybe you'll need to have a talk about her threats to withdraw funding.

Well, save the date cards are generally less formal than the invitations, which is one way you could make the case that Hisfirst & Herfirst Lastname would be appropriate. On the invitations themselves, if you use an inner envelope you can use both styles of wording, thus satisfying your mother's desire for etiquette-following and your desire to acknowledge the female half of the party. The outer envelope says Mr. & Mrs. Lastname, and the inner envelope says Hisfirst & Herfirst. Additionally, assuming that you address the envelopes, you are the only one who will really ever know how many of them were addressed. So you can address them the way your mom wants for the people who matter to her and the way you want for your friends, etc, and she needn't be any the wiser.