(Closed) Huge problem with the in laws advice needed (pretty long, sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

i would just get married at the courthouse and tell thwm after the fact, if they get pissed tell them you couldnt afford to allow everyone to attend, so you decided it would just be the 2 lf you

Post # 5
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

Go ahead to the courthouse – or the free church – which ever one you would prefer then for the dinner, is there a way where those wantignto bring children can pay for them? Unfair to assume that cost on yourself!

Post # 7
47 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

LD333…I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am/was in a similar situation. While I love children, I do not believe that young ones should be at adult functions. To me, it leaves an opportunity for the little angels to get into trouble. My family gets it, but Future Brother-In-Law and wife actually told us that they would just bring the baby (who will be 1) anyway. They involved FI’s parents and now a war has started. Future Mother-In-Law even went so far as to tell my mother that she was going to have a family photo taken at the church before the ceremony with my photographer. Um……no. That will not be happening. But….back to the matter at hand.


You need to take a big breath. It sounds like neither of you really know what you want. You seem to be bending and making concessions based on your budget. I really think that you and Fiance need to sit down and decide what the BOTH OF YOU want. Then…..decide on venues and a date. Once you have that, stick to that. Make an agreement on what is non negotioable and what each of you is willing to compromise on. Then hold your guns. For my Fiance and I, we are doing a childfree ceremony and then opening up the reception to all little ones. Would that be an option for you?If so, be sure to seat the little ones near their parents so that they can be attended to.

The thing with families is that they either feel that weddings are adult affairs which do not include children or they think it’s pretty much a family reunion. I know there are other brides out there that want everyone there….even the babies, but that is THEIR choice. It is up to the bride and groom. Noone……and I do mean NOONE should be bullying you around in regards to YOUR wedding that YOU are paying for. Good for you for standing up for yourself. If you can’t afford to include children o rmore guests, then don’t. The memories that you make that day will be yours to cherish for the rest of your life…so you need to make sure that you’re making yourself happy above his brothers and sisters who I assume have already had their day to make whatever decisions they wanted to. That is the most important thing. Not FI’s brothers and sisters who assume their children are the highlight of your wedding. Just know that they have the option to either get a babysitter and support their brother on HIS wedding day….or check to decline box. That is a message that needs to come from your Fiance. I applaud you for standing your ground (I did too….but it just makes it more difficult because you’re seen as a brdezilla to his family).


You will not be able to make everyone happy…no matter how hard you try. Do what is best for you and Fiance. Since his family seems to be too involved in the decision making process, the simple solution is to remove them from the equation. I would suggest you stop talking to them about the planning. When you have decided to send out the invitations, make sure that you only address them to who is invited. Be aware that some might choose not to attend…..and that’s okay as long as they respect your wishes. Basically what it comes down to is that they are your guests. They don’t get to make demands. I had to remind my Future Brother-In-Law of this….rather rudely unfortunately because for some reason, when it comes to weddings, families sometimes think that they are entitled to certain things.

If however…..you feel that Fiance would really regret not having the neices and nephews there, then that needs to be a discussion you both have…especially since you are including your nephew. 


Good luck and keep us posted.

Post # 8
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’n not really agreeing with pp, sorry but In your post you say you could care less about getting along with Fi family. That attitude won’t be good for your fi or your marriage. Some families are tight and weddings to them are a family affair. I don’t agree with them about bringing the kids when they are not invited and I say you should stand your ground on it if it’s what you want. Having said that his family is part of him and you should mello out when it comes to dealing with them for his sake. I don’t know, that I could care less comment rubbed me wrong.hope it works out for everyone.

Post # 9
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I know it’s important to get along with the FI’s family, but you also need to set a precedent that your wishes must be respected too.  They need to understand that you are going to be a full memmber of the family too, and they can’t just ignore what you have to say.  No one else shoul be able to tell yuo how to spend your money!  Also, an important part of your relationship is that your Fiance must be willing to stand up for you… talk to him about that. Good luck!

Post # 13
47 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

@LD333:  Wedding planning is stressful in and of itself. It isn’t awkward for me because I remind myself that THEY, not me, are the reason for this big fight. Future Brother-In-Law and his wife had no right to run to FI’s parents about something they couldn’t control. But truth be told….I’m really disappointed that FI’s parents even tried to intervene. Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law have put themselves in a difficult position. How do you choose one daughter in law’s feelings on one day over the other daughter in law’s when it is HER wedding? A wedding is one of the most important days in a womans life. And then to that extent pit the brothers against each other over it? What they really should have done was refer them back to us. The only explanation that I can think of for their behavior is cowardice. Not that I’m unapproachable or anything, but they NEVER tell us anything. We get all of our information filtered through FI’s mother.


But anyhow…in response to your dilemma. As someone who can empathize with your money situation (I have alot in student loans as well), you need to try and not worry about it. There will always be a bill to pay, money will never stretch as far as you would like it to, etc… So don’t worry about that. Work out a payment plan with your lenders and just stick to it. Look into loan forgiveness programs. Seperate your student loans and debt from the wedding. Your debt is yours….and although a major source of stress for you….the wedding is not part of that. Talk to your Fiance and decide what you want. Go from there. If you choose to include the neices and nephews, then I would not be concerned with providing entertainment for them. Can you provide some cutesy coloring activities…..sure. I am doing some of that at my reception for the kiddos. The DIY section is full of good ideas. In fact, the DIY section is also good for making your wedding really nice for really cheap. If the conversations with his family are going to be a source of stress…..stop telling them. Send them a save the date card (which can be done cheaply or for free online through Evite) so they’ll know when it is and can make plans accordingly, set up a wedding website where they can go and get additional information and let that be that. When/if they ask why Fiance isn’t sharing information with them personally, have Fiance be honest and tell them why. This is supposed to be a time of joy….and you should enjoy the preparations you are making for your wedding. 🙂 


If you decide to go the DIY route for some things, perhaps you can ask FI’s sisters to help you with pew decorations (tissue paper poms?). Or maybe you’d like to enlist their help in assembling the invitations. This might even double as a bonding event for you.


Good luck though….keep us informed. 🙂

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