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My mom is (strangely enough) never really pushing me for marriage but is pushing for babies. Its mostly because my cousins have been poppin' them out like crazy lately and she's now one of only 2 of the aunt/uncle generation who doesn't have any grandkids. But-- I blame my brother. He's almost 33! He needs to get on it before me :)
Our generation is having kids a lot later than our parents' did. I would just tell her that you want to focus on career, marriage, finances, whatever for now, and that most people wait to have kids now. I didn't even get married until 29, and we started trying 10 mos after the wedding.
Me! (raises hand). lol
I'm 29 and will be 30 when we're married. My mom went so far as to ask one of the MDs she works with (she's a nurse who works with a bunch of OB/GYNs) what the 'best age' is for a woman to have her first child. He said, 28. She proceeded to freak out because I'm past that age and I still plan on waiting (till maybe 31, 32...). Poor mom...I said I'd buy her a puppy in the interim lol.
In today's day and age, women are having their first babies at a later age than our parents' generation. It's true that there are added risks and it may not be as easy as say when your in your early 20s, but where along the spectrum isn't there risk? In my early 20s (and speaking only for myself) I was in no way shape or form financially responsible enough to have a child. Isn't it more risky to have a child and not be able to afford to responsibly care for said child? So when I get the question, I tell my mom that we do want children one day, but in today's day and age (and economy especially), we need to be responsible because we don't want to bring a baby into this world and not be fully financially stable for it. Plus, we live in a one BR condo...we need a house first.
I've been struggling with this from my parents for a few years now too! I finally told them that every time they bring it up it ads another year onto the wait. That sure shut my mom up at least!
@duckducamy- lol
If I decide to have kids I'd like to have my first one around 30-32. I think thats a perfectly reasonable age... old enough to be secure and financially stable, young enough that fertility isn't a *big* issue. Of course, I definitely don't want more than 2, so my idea time period would be to have the two between 30-35.
I've got the opposite problem. My parents are telling me to wait several years before having kids, and we don't want to wait. I'm 26 and FI is about to turn 30.
I will be 22 when I am married and my FI will be 23. We are planning on waiting a few years to make sure we can support children financially. I want to have mine all in a row, so depending on how many we have, we have to be ready to put food on the table! :-)
Hang in there, and NO you definitely are not old!! I am turning 26 this year....and we're probably waiting 1-2 years.
We are already getting questions about kids and we are only 22/23! It's completely ridiculous!
We get the little suggestions from our mothers constantly. But honestly, it doesn't bother me! I'm so excited to have kids with Cam - I can't wait until we're at that stage of our life together. Unfortunately for us, it looks like I have to wait a while even for that!
Just the fact the my new hubby WANTS to have kids has made his mother happy! My mom was very adament that I get a degree before a ring, and she'd prefer that I get my doctorate before we have kids. There will be kids, but I'll probably be in my 30s before we get around to having them.
Mr. Library and I will both be 24 when we get married, and both of our mothers have already started talking about us having kids. We have both agreed that we will have them when they come, but if we have anything to say about it (which we do... I can already hear God laughing...) we would like to wait until we have had a few years of marriage just together. We're both fresh out of grad school, looking for jobs, and saddled with huge student loans (thanks Ivy League!). We're in no shape for kids, but the pressure is on!
My Mother has never pushed me. She claims she's too young to be a grandmother... she's not. But my FI's Mother constantly says, "I can't wait to see what your kids are going to look like!". I'm always uncomfortable with the course of the conversation and I'm not sure why. I guess there are some inner dynamics I'd rather not explain lol. They have to do with other members of the family being in constant competition. I do however feel and internal push. I want children soooo bad. But I also care enough about the unborn children to know not to try until we're stable and really ready. So, we wait....
I never was really pressured into have kids until after I had my 1st kid. I don't want this to sound really horrible, but we were pressured into getting married because I was pregnant, and not because of like religious reasons or anything. It was due to insurance, but we still loved each other, just ended up getting married earlier than planned. But then after we had the first one everyone kept asking when we were gonna try for another one! Even now, a year after my husband got fixed, we get asked so when are you guys gonna try for a girl?
So its not the same, but I still understand how annoying that can be to get asked that!
Ugh...right here! My mom has been on us since our wedding day! We've been married 2 years, and I swear, not a day goes by without my mom reminding me that I'm not getting any younger, and by the time I start trying, i won't be able to have kids. Thanks mom! I'm 29 and he's 30...we just bought a new house and we'd just like to get settled in before we start trying! She's driving me nuts! Thank goodness my MIL hasn't started on us. I'd go crazy.
My mom wants grandkids so bad but she isn't really pushy about it. I just know she wants them when she sees other grandmas and her best friend is going to be a grandma in April. FI and I both want kids and know we don't want to wait really long. I didn't think I ever wanted kids but after meeting and falling in love with FI I really want one. When we get married in Oct, I'll be 27 and he'll be 30 so I think if FI agrees I'd like to start trying within a year or two. We've lived together and been together long enough where if people say "Don't you want it to be just you two for awhile" we both can say no, we are ready to move forward finally!
I'm 27 and I get married on 6/12/10 so one month before I turn 28. I'm anxious to have a baby before 30. We both are. We will start trying as soon as I get married. We want a family asap. We love children. I mean your mom is probably a little old fashioned and it's a personal choice. So just follow your heart when the time is right you'll know.
My mom's been pushing for years and at some point even admitted to not caring about the whole marriage first thing any more. I even tried duckduckamy's technique but it didn't work. I've learned to just let it go. She'll have grandkids when I decide it's time and thats all there is to it!
Omg, the "every time it's mentioned" trick is fantastic!!! I have to pull that with my mom! My mom is CRAZY and has been talking about her "little blonde grandbabies" since I was 16. It's kind of ridiculous. I definitely want kids but I am nowhere near ready yet... I'm 24 and would like to wait until 28,29, maybe 30. Fi and I have a lot going on right now and we're always broke!!!
It's okay - after I got engaged and bought my dress, my mom told me "well, if you get pregnant it's okay because we have the dress so you can get married any time."
Moms are so funny.
Before we were engaged it was "so, when are you going to get engaged?"
When we got engaged, it was "so, when's the date?
Once we set a date, it became, "so, when are you going to have kids?"
OY! let us enjoy one step at a time! What happens when we actually get married - "when are you going to have grandkids?" Sheesh ;)
My parents are totally fine with us waiting, so's his dad, but his mom always asks us about kids. His sister has 3, that should be enough for now!! I just turned 26, we've been married for less than 3 months, and we're going to try once I turn 30. We're hoping to have our own house in the next few months, so once we're settled and have what we need, then we'll think about having kids. At this point in my life, I still don't want them, hopefully things will change. Right now, my favorite thing to do is snuggle on the couch with hubs after work while I'm enjoying winter break from school 
My mom has never mentioned grandbabies from me, but I thank my older sister for that. Once she had my nephew (almost 5 years ago now!) my mom was content. FI's mom was advocating for babies until we got engaged, then she revered direction and said we should wait until we are in our 30's to start. This is both odd timing and funny because she said she regrets waiting until her 30's to start having kids. She really wishes she'd started when she met FI's father (when she was 21, I think). Personally, I am 26, FI turned 27 today!!, and I want kids before I am 30. Everyone says its far mroe tiring and your chance for problems raises. I am already scared stiff that I will pass on my autism to my kids, so I'd rather have them sooner then later to avoid upping the chances of that happening! (Not that i've heard of any studies of the chance of this raising with age, but the chance of all sorts of other problems raises with age, so I make the logical leap that the chance of this raises too)
Oddly, last June, FI's aunt told me that since we had so much time before the wedding (1 year, 3 months at that point) that I ought to go off BC and get pregnant because I could have the baby before the wedding! OMG! She even advocated going off BC and telling my FI the baby was an accident, if he wasn't on board! I didn't know what to say so I walked away! Hahaha... While she has grandkids, they are no longer babies (being 7 and 9 respectively) and I think that that family is simply ready to have more babies in it. Or, that's what i hope the motivation for that conversation was!
Ms. Tacos,
I’m 29, FI is 28. Since our engagement last year, FMIL has mentioned how we should NOT wait to have kids as soon as we get married in 2011 coz “my eggs might dry up”. =) I just shrug and say: I want at least 2 years to concentrate on making my husband happy. Once we have kids, there will be no return/exchange policy. They can pressure you all they want….its’ your decision eventually.
When I was married before, no one ever pressured us for children. I think it's because they knew the kids would come if they waited a little longer. But then I got divorced, and suddenly no kids were on the horizon anymore, and that is when the pressure started. Not much pressure, but some. I think it was like I'd yanked away 'kids' being the next logical step. Now I had 'backtracked' to needing to date, find someone, get married, get settled, all over again. That scares future grammas and grandpas, 'cause they want some grandkids!! Maybe that is why you started feeling the pressure after your long term relationship ended, too. ;)
Now that we're married, I'm constantly asked when we're going to have kids! I'm only 24, though, and I don't want kids until I'm at least 30... when I tell people that, they are shocked!
@mmmtacos: whenever I see your name, I crave tacos. I seriously want one right now. lol
I think my Mom is actually planning on working out a deal with me where I'll get more inheritance if I DONT have kids. I am the youngest of 4 and already have 7 nieces and nephews with one sister still trying to get pregnant. My Mom is so annoyed that there are so many grandchildren and has been trying to convince me to live a fabulous life without kids. Right now, FI and I are on board!
@moderndaisy - I thought my stepmom would be the same way, but no! She has one bratty 6 year old grandson and another on the way from the same step-sister, but she was telling me the other day about how they can't wait to have tons more! They complain all the time about the headaches my nephew gives them, so I don't get it. I'm just going with the theory that they know MY kids will be perfect angels. Haha!
We're going through the same thing. Me and my sweetheart are 26 and 27 and have been asked about grandkids by his parents since we got engaged 4 years ago. I'm afraid they think we're their only chance. He's got 2 sisters, but one is obese and self esteem issues. The other has a mustache and poor hygeine.
Anyhow, I used to tell them "3 or 4 years". Now I tell them "before 35". I do my best to reassure them that we want them eventually, just not yet. If only I could have them spend a little time with my sister's son, I'm sure they'd stop the harrassment altogether. :)
My grandparents on both sides kind of double teamed us on this at Thanksgiving. I am still fully convinced that they called each other the day before to plan their attack! We politely told them that we were not even married yet, and that we have discussed what we want for our future as a couple and children are not something even on the near horizon. It's more like ten horizon's away. We talked to them about how we are having a long engagement (2 1/2 yrs) and want to have time as a married couple before we have children. As my mother told me immediately following the conversation "you will never NOT have children again and those years of enjoying just being the two of you go quickly. Cherish them."
We seem to be okay on the parent front -- although my mother insists we need to have 3, and we're thinking 1 -- it's random family members (HIS!! Not mine ...) that give us the 3rd degree about our child-bearing prospects. Like, they'll beg us to have kids, and then when I gently remind them that we're not getting married for another 10 months, they're all ... "awww ... just have kids now!!!" Um, no. Also? It's really none of anyone's business but ours. It makes me really cranky that people think it's totally okay to butt their noses in your personal life.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
In college I dated a guy for 5 years and when it ended people were hounding me left and right about when I was going to get married and so forth. They would even talk about how cool my wedding would be and I wasn't even dating at that time. They put the pressure on but I didn't let them effect me.
When my poor hubs stepped into the picture they started to put the pressure on him. I always made sure he was OK and luckily he didn't let it bother him either.
Here's a few examples of what some of them did to him:
My FI and I have known each other for over 5 years. When I was sixteen (he twenty one) we were good friends. His mother, who was desperate for grandchildren, started pressuring us into getting married (I was 16!!!) by reasoning that she had gotten married young.
Years later, we are actually getting married. (The best husbands are best friends first, right?) Now that she has two grandchildren (from his sister) she no longer pesters us about children. However, she made it very clear at our engagement party that we are useless to her since we have decided not to have children. She also made a huge scene pointing out that if we were to get pregnant we would not be allowed to move back to China because she would not allow us to take "her" grandchild there.
She's spent her entire life making sure her son knew that he was worthless, but a grandchild she would care about? Amazing.
@moderndaisy I envy you! Wish my MIL was the same way... If only.
im currently 21 and FI turns 27 next month, we both want kids pretty much asap, even though wedding wont be for 18months minimum, kids before marriage aint really an issue for us as we have already been together nearly 7years, and lived together for half of that time, so we are pretty settled in together as it is.
admittedly yes, i would like a proper full time job (currently i work a billion part time ones) and i would like his business to be more established and stable, but i know us, and i know that if we throw a baby into the mix, we will make it work, and it will probably make us stronger if past experiences in the relationship are anything to go by!
i even come off BC last year cos i was on the Injection (not sure if you guys have that in america), but it takes on average 18months for your cycle to get back up to optimum levels (it took nearly a year for my cycle to start again full stop!) and then throw on 18months average to conceive? ha, i was not waiting 3 years after marriage to get pregnant, yes id still only be 25-ish, but i want kids now! and he wants kids now too, he has even suggested we start using charts and thermometers and stuff! im not quite at that stage yet, im happy to be off the bc and just to let it happen when it happens.
as to the pressure, my mum has actually said she doesnt want to be a granny yet, she said she wants to be 45 and shes only 42 at the min, but then she was only nearly 21 when she had me, and im already nearly 22! argh its a nightmare, but at the end of the day, i'l get pregnant when my body is willing, and when that happens, she'l just have to like it, am pretty sure that she will, but she'l grumble til then!
While we were dress shopping for my wedding dress, my fiance's mother asked if we were going to have children. While I was wedding dress shopping!! My answer was....no. We love kids. I work with kids. We love our siblings kids. But as of right now, this is not the path we want to take. She didn't seem to like that very much....oops. Ohhhh well. But yeah, the pressure is there to get married and start making babies!
My advice is to just be honest about it (if you aren't direct people will be anticipating a pregnancy announcement any day now lol) and say that this is a decision that you and your fiance will make when you feel you are ready. But thank you for your care/concern.
I'm 26 too, and getting married at the end of the year. I cannot IMAGINE having a child for at least 3 more years! I don't even want to start 'trying' until I'm 29, and I'd like to wait ideally until I'm 30 or 31. My FI and I want to have things VERY stable financially, as well as relationship-wise (because being a newlywed is hard, and doesn't get magically easier after year 1!) before we write children into the equation. I think it's smart to wait until you're ready and longing to have a child, instead of having one just because it fits into some biological time plan or whatever.
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This is more of a vent, but I'm curious how many other 20 somethings are going through it. Mr. Tacos and I are getting engaged this year (he has a date picked out! EEE!) but have dated for less than a year. My parents never pressured me for children, but since my last long-term relationship ended, I'm constantly being reminded that "time is running out" and that I'm getting older. My mother looked at me holding a dog and said I was ready for a "little one".
No, I'm not ready for a "little one", and I'm only 26. And while Mr. Tacos and I are preparing for marriage, the furthest thing from my mind is a baby. I don't want to start trying (as of now) until I am 31.
Does anyone else have to deal with this? How do you handle it tactfully?
And why on earth are they pushing for marriage so much?