Weddingbee boards

I guess this post could go in many different categories, but I am picking "Emotional" because that's just how I'm feeling right now!

To give some backstory on this, when my husband and I got engaged last summer, his mother had some BIG issues with our engagement.  We never understood them, and all she could ever tell us was she "needed some time to get used to the idea."  After talking to some other family members, we figured that it was just an adjustment she needed to get used to, so we gave her space and I tried very hard to keep her in-the-know with all of the wedding planning (I lived out of state at the time, so I sent her weekly emails). I knew how important it was to her to feel involved, so I worked hard to keep her abreast of everything.

I moved to this state when I finished school about 6 months ago, and I thought this would definitely help fix the situation, since she would get to know me better and be around us together more often.  On the surface, everything seemed to improve and she seemed happier to us about the wedding.  She still didn't really try to get to know me better, but we spent a lot of time with his family and I thought that would help things.  His mom was very pushy about many details of the wedding (so was mine, for that matter) and because we would rather keep the peace than cause a fight, we went along with most of the suggestions.  In the end, the only thing my fiance and I had the final say in was the wedding cake...everything else was altered to "keep the peace" with his mom.  Once again, we were fine with it because we wanted everyone to be happy, and those details didn't matter much to us.

We were married almost 3 weeks ago, and when we returned from our honeymoon the **** hit the fan.  His mother has been talking to his sister, and apparently is not even close to getting over her past issues with our marriage.  She still refuses to say that she is happy for us, she says he doesnt know what he's gotten himself into with me because she has seen how I really am, and I am a controlling, childish person.  She also said that I cornered my husband into marrying me because I just wanted to be married so badly I didn't care who it was to.  When I heard all of this, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach...it was devastating.  I have never spent any time alone with this woman, without my husband around, for her to "see how I really am" and I am probably the least controlling (aka most people pleasing) person on the planet.  There were so many personal and hateful things said about me that I feel very uncomfortable being around her now.  We were over for dinner this weekend and she ignored me the WHOLE time we were there...for 3 hours. 

My husband and I are very upset about all of this because she won't talk to us, nor will she treat me kindly anymore.  It seems like now that the wedding is over, she doesn't feel she needs to keep up the happy facade she was holding before the wedding.  Apparently every thing I have said or done has been scrutinized and judged without discussing any of it with my husband or I.  We feel so uncomfortable and hurt by all of her actions, and when she is asked about it she just says "Well how am I supposed to act? It's how I feel!" 

I guess this was just a vent, and maybe a plea for some advice.  I am hurt and upset and angry by her unfounded personal accusations, as well as her behavior toward my husband and I.  Any advice?

Could you all give family therapy a shot?  It sounds like there are some huge issues here, and it's probably impossible to really sit down and talk with her at this point without some professional guidance.

As to why this is happening, you mentioned that your mom had been pushy about the details of the wedding, too.  Is it possible your MIL is drawing incorrect inferences about you based on your mom? Or is there some other prejudice involved? It seems so confusing that she's so vocal about not liking you when it sounds like you've really had very little interaction.

I have to say this woman sounds like she has some serious mental issues. I've had some experience with persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and they are just off-the-wall like that sometimes. I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I can't imagine how I'd feel if my MIL treated me like that, especially when you've gone out of your way to be thoughtful and accommodating to her.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, but ((hugs)) and prayers for you.

I agree that your husband needs to speak with his mother.  It is NOT ok for her to treat you like a sub-standard citizen and he should take your side in this.  I'm surprised at how often it seems parents need to be re-taught the basic decencies they taught as children.  It is never ok to treat someone the way she has treated you.  I'm interested to know what the rest of the family thinks as well.   It would be helpful if she heard from everyone that she was being unreasonable, it might make her take a step back and re-evaluate her behaviour

I guess I didn't emphasize in the first posting (tried to keep it as short as possible) that my husband has been AWESOME in standing up for me. He has told his mom that if she keeps up this behavior and forces him to choose, he will choose me.  And he has told her that if there is something I feel strongly about that he doesn't, he will still side with me because I am his wife and his first priority. However, at this point, she is barely speaking to him as well (probably because he voiced all of this).  She acknowledged his presence at dinner the other night, and she asked him a few questions, but it was not like the regular family gatherings.  She won't answer the phone, instead she'll pass it off to his dad (even if it's her cell phone).  His dad has made it very clear that he accepts me and loves me like I was his own daughter, it is just SO hard knowing that his mom feels the complete opposite.

As far as how everyone else feels, the rest of the family has told her (repeatedly) that she needs to get over whatever her issues are because she is alienating herself from us and the whole family.  Her response: I am the one that is alienating my husband from his family, not her.  I just feel like we can't win with her, no matter what we do it isn't going to be correct. 

@Cinnamon Roll: My mom was pushy in the same way his mother was, they had their own vision of how the wedding should look and we went along with it. My mom was only pushy to ME about things she wanted, and when she crossed the line I let her know it. I was very vocal to my mom about including his mother in a lot of things, and my mom was happy to do so. They had minimal interaction throughout the planning, so I don't think it was based on her feelings toward my mom.  But she could have some that I'm not aware of, too!

@FontGoddess: She definitely has some mental issues she refuses to deal with.  I think it is very relevant that she came from an abusive childhood and turned her life around to be 100% centered on her kids.  Now, her children are nearly 30 years old, but she has made herself so dependent on her involvement with her kids that she can't seem to accept any changes. 

@Moose1209: My husband had noticed his Mom's weird behavior since we returned from the honeymoon (before it all blew up) and he asked his sister if she had heard anything from his Mom about how she was feeling.  His sister has been incredibly supportive and helpful throughout our engagement, she is not one to stir up drama at all!  She was simply being honest when my husband asked.

Thank you all for your responses...My husband and I are on the same page that we are NOT going over there any time soon, and we are not putting ourselves into that situation again unless we have an apology from her first.  This is super hard to deal with and I'm needing a lot of support from my friends and family, too.  My husband has been wonderful, but I know that this hurts him, too, and I don't want to bring it up as often as I think about it (which is a lot). 

FMIL is definitely jealous or envious over something.  Let her look like the little person she is and just be yourself.  We just recently married and at the reception DH's brother (his BM) and step-mother (who wasn't invited to use the microphone at all) made it a point of pointing out how they didn't know me.  My side (friends and family) was ready to do battle on the mic; I didn't let it get to me because it showed how dumb they looked for failing to do so after almost 3 years of dating.  So I walked away looking fine. 

Let her be small and petty; if she doesn't every change her views, just be glad that she was able to produce such a loving son who is now your husband - cuz that's the only thing that truly matters....

@bklynbridetobe: Thank you for sharing your situation with me!  Your words hit home and are exactly what I needed to hear.  All I can control are my reactions to her actions...and I refuse to let her bring down the beginning of my marriage!

@skibobrown: I needed that perspective :) It's nice to be reminded that the rest of the family likes me, and accepts me, and I am not alone in dealing with this tough situation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mom told me that my dad's mother never liked her-- couldn't stand her, thought she was a gold digger, etc... refused to invite her side of the family to my dad's wedding...

All that changed when I was born--the first grandbaby. Things were much better after that. I know that's not a solution, but maybe it can give you some hope? Perhaps it's just a phase.

I may have missed it, but is he the first child to be married? My FI's mom had a little bit of that when she realized we were in it for the long haul, but she came around a year or so later, and is now on board with everything as far as planning is going.

@Suffragettecitygirl:  Family counseling is definitely a no-go.  There is no way she would ever agree to something like that, because she really doesn't think there is anything wrong with how she is acting.  She sees US as the root cause of the problems.  Plus, this is a super small town, and there really isn't any of that kind of counseling available here. We'd have to go at least 2 hours to get to a place with those kinds of resources :(

@Mather10:  I know we dont have to spend a lot of time with his family to keep a healthy marriage...but we both come from really big families and we live in a very small area.  Spending time with just "us" isn't really an option around here for very long, because at some point the families are going to be offended if we are spending more time with one than the other.  It's really ridiculous, unnecessarily dramatic, and very confusing :)

@Miss Damask:  Is it bad that I am even more scared for how she is going to be when we have children?  She already insists on needing to be included in the major decisions we make, and I am so nervous about when we decide to have children.  I mean, what happens when we dont tell her when we start trying? Will all of this crap start up again?  And she is a big believer in the "I did xyz for you, so why won't you do abc for me?"...I can see this carrying over to helping us out with kids, babysitting, etc. 

@Sironel: Yes, he is the first child to be married, and that is why we thought she needed so much time to adjust to the idea.  But when it comes down to it, that really isn't the root of the problem at all.  She has serious issues going on inside her head that she refuses to acknowledge or seek help for.  Instead, she deals with them the only way she knows how, which is through manipulation and tantrums. My husband has told me that nothing his sister has done has ever really set his mom off very much, but she has always been touchy about the things he does or doesn't do.  I don't think any amount of time is going to help her realize that we are very serious about this, especially if she hasn't realized it by now.  We have gone through a lot together, and we have proven time and time again to our families that this is the real thing and we are taking it very seriously. She just can't get past her problems to acknowledge it.

Just an update:

My husband and I have decided to sit down and put all of our thoughts and feelings onto paper.  We know she won't be ok with a sit-down discussion, so we are going to write everything out and send her an email.  I think that will help us not say anything in the heat of the moment as well.

Every year his family goes to the coast for the 4th of July weekend, and while we all discussed it months ago, his family hasn't spoken to him since this whole mess blew up.  He can't stand being the bad guy and wants to fix the situation, which I understand, but in his family "fixing the situation" means "sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen."  Which I am obviously NOT okay with.  I think she needs to know how we are feeling and she needs to know that she can't treat us like crap whenever she wants to. 

Therefore, our compromise = email to the MIL explaining how we feel and how we'd like things to be in the future.

We're hoping to send it this weekend...

We are fully aware of the possible reactions we could get with our letter, but we feel at this point in time it is the best way to approach the situation. At least she will know we are unified and standing together.  I know that it might not make a difference one way or the other, but for us to sit around and do nothing doesn't seem to be helping either of us feel better. We don't want this to turn into something that might strain our marriage, and we'd rather deal with it while the wounds are still fresh, rather than years down the road after many more hurts have been caused. 

We're hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, and right now that is all we really can do.