(Closed) Hurt and devastated…by my in-laws. *long*

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

Your H needs to fight this fight, not you.  He needs to stand his ground and tell her that he will NOT allow his WIFE to be treated like this.

She can FEEL however she likes, but still needs to play nice if she wants to continue her relationship with either of you.

Post # 4
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Could you all give family therapy a shot?  It sounds like there are some huge issues here, and it’s probably impossible to really sit down and talk with her at this point without some professional guidance.

As to why this is happening, you mentioned that your mom had been pushy about the details of the wedding, too.  Is it possible your MIL is drawing incorrect inferences about you based on your mom? Or is there some other prejudice involved? It seems so confusing that she’s so vocal about not liking you when it sounds like you’ve really had very little interaction.

Post # 5
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well first off, congratulations on your recent wedding! I’m sad to hear that now you are having to deal with all this. I wonder if there is a way that your husband can talk to his mom about the situation. Even if she does not LOVE the idea that her son is now married (sounds like it has little to do with you yourself, since the things she is saying are so off base), she should still be capable of acting polite…and like an adult!

How does the rest of his family feel?

Post # 6
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have to say this woman sounds like she has some serious mental issues. I’ve had some experience with persons with Borderline Personality Disorder, and they are just off-the-wall like that sometimes. I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my MIL treated me like that, especially when you’ve gone out of your way to be thoughtful and accommodating to her.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice, but ((hugs)) and prayers for you.

Post # 7
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow… there is a lot going on with this family.  Why did the sister think it was a good idea to tell you all the horrible things her mother said about you?  Either way your husband needs to handle this.. NOW.  He needs to give her an ultimatum that she either pulls herself together and treats you with respect (she doesn’t have to love you, you can’t force that.. but she has to treat you like a human being).. or she will not be seeing her son any more.  End of discussion.

Post # 8
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree that your husband needs to speak with his mother.  It is NOT ok for her to treat you like a sub-standard citizen and he should take your side in this.  I’m surprised at how often it seems parents need to be re-taught the basic decencies they taught as children.  It is never ok to treat someone the way she has treated you.  I’m interested to know what the rest of the family thinks as well.   It would be helpful if she heard from everyone that she was being unreasonable, it might make her take a step back and re-evaluate her behaviour

Post # 9
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Congrats on your marriage!  I’m sorry you are dealing with this drama being created by a child.

MIL’s can say and can do whatever they like.  It is how our husbands respond that matters the most.  Is he just bowing down to his mom or is he speaking up and standing up for you?  His mom, his problem.  If he just wants you to “suck it up and deal” with her, you have a huge problem. 

You both need to take some time off from visiting each other (I mean you and your DH).  Like I said, it’s how your husband is handling this that matters the most so how is he handling this?

My MIL ignores me as well; she ignored me the days leading up to the wedding and the day of the wedding, not a word to me.  But you know what?  Let her ignore you.  While it sucks I have found that I don’t have to listen to her bitch and moan about her life.

Post # 10
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry you are dealing with/have had to deal with this. Sounds like she must be somewhat mentally unbalanced because this is no way for a loving mother to behave towards her son and daughter in law– especially when it sounds like you have done everything right and even sacrificed for this woman.

I’ve had to adjust to the idea that I just won’t ever have a good relationship with my MIL. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what I am ending up getting. As long as your husband sticks up for the both of you when she acts up, you will be okay. She can’t isolate you as “the bad one” if you and your husband are a team. (Logically she can’t, at least. She might still try.)

Post # 11
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Yeah, your husband needs to step up on this one.  He needs to sit down with his mother and explain to her, calmly, that she needs to treat you with the respect and kindness his WIFE deserves, or the two of you won’t be seeing her any time soon.  He needs to also tell her that she owes you an apology.  And he needs to mean it.  This is his family, so it’s his responsibility, and he really can’t just allow this behavior from his mother to continue.  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.  ((HUGS))

Post # 12
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m so sorry that you and your husband are going through this – it sounds like a nightmare and it sounds so unfair.  I agree with some of the previous posters in saying that your husband has to be the point man here.  He has to stand up for you and your marriage and explain to his mother that her behavior is not acceptable.  I agree too that it would be great if there were some way to get answers for her attitude and her behavior but the most important starting point would be presenting a united front.  If I were you I would keep my distance until she can treat you with the courtesy anyone deserves.  Ignoring someone who is a guest in your house is rude and immature and if I were you I wouldn’t put myself in that situation until she can change.  I don’t know what the best solution is but I hope you and your husband look out for each other and your marriage first, even if that means keeping your distance.  Sending you best wishes and lots of ‘hive’ support

Post # 13
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Congrats on the marriage and I too am so sorry that you have to go through this!!  It sounds like the issues are hers and have very little to really do with you.  Something tells me that anyone marrying her son would have had this problem and she’s probably just not a very happy person.  I think the #1 most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page and that he is supporting you through this.  At the end of the day she has to respect that you’re his wife, apologize and change her attitude or she will be making the choice to be excluded from your lives until she can get over it.  Is she married and is this an isolated person’s drama or is it his whole side of the family?  Do other family members on his side know what’s happening?

 

Post # 15
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

*Thumbs up* to your husband.  I’m glad he was able to try to put her in her place.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries the ol “You hurt me, now I’m going to hurt you.”  She’s doing it to an extent when you DH calls and she won’t even talk to him.  I bet she’s thinking that by showing him how he is not included in the family anymore, it will make him break the boundary and come crawling back.  Stay strong!!  I know how hard it can be.

Post # 16
Member
7463 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry you are going thru this. A much as this hurts I’ hope that you can see that this is clearly not about you. Even if you husband speaks to her (and he should) its obvious whatever she has “against” you, logic and facts will not impact how she feels. She may improve her behavior outwardly, but I get the feeling that she will simply become more sophisticated at getting under your skin. People like this don’t change they merely switch tactics.

No amount of straight talk works because they simply turn everything to self centered exercise of being a victim.You have come to point where what she says, does or doesn’t do, has minimal impact on how you feel.

I speak from experience because I deal with this foolishness from one of my siblings.  Now I’m at a place where know its not about them, but me. I can only control my reactions to their “actions”. It’s truly saved my sanity  when I stopped trying to understand why they felt the way they did.

Ultimately I feel sorry for people like this, because they choose to be miserable and we all know misery seeks company. Don’t let them drag you down in the gutter. You best believe that she very pleased with herself and enjoys this on sick level. So let her play this game alone.  Its gonna hurt at times, and you will have moments when will still get upset (because you’re human and we all want be liked, especially when we know we’ve done nothing wrong) but trust me it gets a whole lot easier.

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