Hurt and Need Advice After Being Severely Critisized Plans Not to Have Children.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7265 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Not her life, not her decision. Do what’s right for you and your DH.

Post # 3
Member
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It’s not horrible. At all. Some people want kids, others don’t. What’s so wrong with knowing what you want and sticking to it? You should be able to say “No I don’t want kids” and not have to justify it! I think it is very mature to not think you have to have kids because people expect it and to know that your life is going a different way than those who do want kids. People can be so annoying. 

Post # 4
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s not…some people just have to impose “normal” on others in order to explain them. Too many people have children because they feel they should when they are not 100% into it. I say congrats to you for not being selfish and doing it because you don’t want to and recognizing the place for kids in your life is in a aunt role and not a mom role. Its a brave stance to take as choosing not to have kids by choice can bring a lot of criticism and judgement that should not be there.

Your SIL can just suck a lemon. Just avoid the talk with her in the future.

Post # 5
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well, I am sorry to say this is society: and I am not saying it is OK. People judge EVERYTHING. I am so sorry :(. As a young bride I get a lot of hate for “ruining my life” etc. If I was 40 and wanting to get married I am sure people would be shoving their unwanted opinions down my throath. 

The only thing I have to say (appart from *hugs*) is that you should stop explaining if you don’t feel like debating. If you feel like sharing your choice and someone starts an argument just smile and ignore. 

I hope we someday get to the point of shutting our mouths when we are not asked. Smile! 

Post # 6
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

One of the signs of maturity is when we no longer feel the need to judge our decisions by others’ standards.

” I do not judge you for your decision to have chidren. I ask that you do not judge me for my decision to not have children.”

Post # 7
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Never understand how it’s selfish to not want kids.. Makes no sense! It’s a totally valid choice to do or not to do, but sadly I don’t think that’s the last conversation you’ll have about it where you have to defend yourself! Hopefully opinions change over time and we start letting women decide without nastiness. Glad your Fi is of the same opinion as you and best of luck with your twosome! 

Post # 8
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I have much more respect for you for feeling that it would be selfish to have children if you didn’t want them 100% than the countless other women out there (your SiL most likely included) that just plunk them out because that’s what they think they should do.  You don’t need to justify your choices to anybody, least of all someone who’s sticking her nose somewhere it doesn’t belong. Your marriage; your life; your decision. Next time she brings it up, change the subject immediately. Maybe after a few times she’ll get the hint that she has no business trying to dictate how anybody else lives their lives. 

Post # 9
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

BelleEtoile:  Whaaat. Suck a lemon indeed! This is actually none of her business. Screw that. Don’t worry. Everyone has different wants in life. It’s not wrong to want children. It’s not wrong to NOT want children. Could you imagine if you went around like that, judging people for having kids???? SIL would lose her shit if you turned this around on her.

All that said, I agree that not engaging in the debate is a good idea. She can’t pick apart your reasons if you don’t give them. (By the way, having MS would qualify as a pretty damn good reason. Not that you even need one.)

I have a couple of friends who think it’s the height of selfishness to only have one. Well, we only want one. Too goddamn bad for anyone who decides we should have another. They don’t get a vote.

Post # 10
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

BelleEtoile: People give me the same shit because I am not sold on the whole kids idea.  And neither is my DH.

In my twenties, people said I would grow out of it and want children. Now in my mid-30s, people give me the same crap they giving you.

I always point out that you shouldn’t have to convince somebody that they want a child. That those of us that don’t want them shouldn’t have them–we shouldn’t have a child because people guilted us into it.

Interestingly, in the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love, she writes this wonderful chapter on the role of childless women in societies.

Post # 11
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve heard this before and it, honestly, confuses the hell out of me! To be selfish is to think bout yourself more than somone else. But the thing is, there’s no “someone else” when you don’t have a kid. The kid doesn’t exist. And it’s certainly not selfish towards society as a whole  – hello overpopulation! So I really don’t get the “selfish” argument. Frankly, as someone who works with kids who come from awful homes (not that yours would be) I wish more people realized that kid weren’t for them and just didn’t have them. 

But, some people are crazy ridiculous. And you can’t argue with crazy. All you can do is smile and changee the subject. You are doing what is most responsible and what is right for your family. Don’t let her make you feel bad for your totally legit decsion.

ETA: If I was in your position and in a bad mood, I would have delighted in telling her that I like to drink and sleep in and have loud sex in the living room, so a kid doesn’t really work for me. 

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

When you think about it, it’s more selfish to have children. Who does having children benefit – no one but their parents. The economy loses out on a working mother paying tax, there is more of a drain on natural resources. You just need to be strong in your convictions and not let other peoples negative opinions sway you from what you feel is the right decision for yourself.

 

Post # 13
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So sorry hun! I seriously DO NOT understand why people think it’s so wrong to not want children. My stepmom never wanted children…she was pregnant once and accepted the fact that she was going to be a mother. She ended up having a terrible miscarriage that almost killed her, and even though she was far enough along that she felt connected with the baby inside her, it never made her change her mind and decide to have kids. She fell in love with my dad when us kids were little and I think it was really hard for her to be a stepmother to us. When I got older I started to develop a closer relationship with her and I started to understand that she wasn’t a horrible person for not wanting to be a stepmom to us.

Ok, so my story was kind of a little different than what’s happening here, but my point is that my stepmom was not DEFECTIVE because she didn’t want kids. That’s just how she was. And I don’t care who you are, I don’t think it matters!

Post # 14
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

BelleEtoile:  Jeez she really needs to learn when things aren’t her business! I can’t relate to the feeling of not wanting children because I very much do but I would never judge someone who doesn’t want them. In fact, i’ve personally witnessed what happens when someone who doesn’t want them is guilted in to it.. and its not good, for the child especially.

If she brings it up again, don’t feel the need to make up excuses. Tell her its your life, your decision, and she should stop giving her opinion when its not required nor wanted!

Post # 15
Member
3412 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I get shit for being 36 and childless/ childfree all the damn time.

I will respond very bluntly to anyone who chooses to comment on that particular topic. Selfish would be to bring children into the world when they aren’t wanted. Not following a particular life path is totally acceptable, and screw anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

I swear, most (I said most, some are fabulously happy with awesome children who are a joy) of my friends with children act as though they are exhausted and downright miserable. I think sometimes they resent our free time, ability to be spontaneous and certainly our extra income. 

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