Hurt by best friend's behavior so close to my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Her behavior can bother you, but you can’t really control her. If she’s texting during your wedding morning, unless she’s really involved in the phone and ignoring you when you talk to her, then I wouldn’t say anything. I would also keep it about the behavior (texting), and not your feelings about her boyfriend.

Post # 3
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Soooo I’m gonna go out on a limb and answer honestly as if this WEREN’T a mostly engaged or recently married women’s wedding site: be a good friend and do NOT make her relationship or lack thereof about YOUR wedding, engagement or marriage. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Any doubts that you have about the institution of marriage, monogamy or fidelity will be best resolved with your FI (very soon to be husband), not your friend, otherwise you’ll be projecting your insecurities onto her and it’ll blow up in your face. Quite frankly, she is NOT disrespecting you, or your marriage personally. If you had seen her texting with her hookup or bf you wouldn’t have had these thoughts. I suggest you table your discussion with her about HER relationship and until you’ve gotten over the wedding madness and can talk to her about what you see in her, how you think this could affect her, etc. Do not get all high and mighty and say something like “as a married woman I would feel sooo offended if my now husband…” No no no, you stick to her and how she’s feeling and how you’re worried about HER. You could even tell her the truth gently about how you’ve seen this pattern of her making a big deal after a few dates, etc., etc.

Unless of course you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, then by all means go after your friend who is obviously in great emotional pain (“will I be alone forever?,” “will it never be my turn?,” “why doesn’t anyone love me enough to be in a long-term relationship?”), suffers from serious low self esteem issues (who else thinks attention from a married man is GOOD attention?), and is not in a good place?

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t blame you at all! I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive considering your are about to be getting married and here your best friend is pretty much spitting on the sanctity of marriage. If it were me, I don’t think I could bite my tongue and chance her possible me off the day of the wedding. I would sit her down and just be frank with her, but leave her actual relationship out of it. “Hey BFF, I know you’re really excited about this new relationship but I am super stressed and I just need to tell you now that I really need your support the day of my wedding. Im ony getting. Married once and I need my BFF to be present mentally with me so I would appreciate if you just can refrain from texting him that day.” Then Deal with your feelings about the relationship after the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I think the issue should be more about how inappropriate it is for her to be seeing a married man, than how inappropriate it is for her to be doing this during your wedding week. The world doesn’t revolve around your wedding. 

I would personally put off having a talk with her about it until after your wedding. It is a very touchy subject and feelings will be hurt. 

Post # 6
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Oh boy. 

Yes, your friend is in a questionable situation. But it has nothing to do with your wedding. As many Bees have said on other threads, your wedding day will never matter as much to anyone as it does to you. 

Post # 7
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I can understand why you don’t like this on any level, and why it seems especially disrespectful as you’re making life-long vows of fidelity.  At any other point in time if she decided to pout for awhile, you could wait her out, but timing does matter here. 

Your friend knows you feel this way – you’ve told her.  You know her best and will have to decide if she’s more likely to accept a comment graciously (if so – by all means say something gently) or if it’s more likely that she may respond by being defensive.  That may blow things up a week before your wedding.  Is it worth it to you to potentially blow this into a big drama with less than a week to go?  Worst case scenario you, she, or both of you decide for her not to participate.  Only you know the answer to whether the knowledge/action of the affair bother you more than it would to have chaos in your wedding party right now. 

If you would not be annoyed with any other friend texting throughout the day, then I’d suggest letting this go.  If you want – make a general announcement to everyone that you’d love it to be a relative text free – minimal phone interruption type day.

Post # 9
Member
7212 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Eta: because OP updated with a new take 

She also thinks he’s separated, and I can see why she believes this is he has time night and day to text her. 

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  BalletParker.
Post # 11
Member
7212 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

rusticchic212:  yeah, I can understand why your feelings are hurt,but you’re a smart lady to value your friendship enough to not say anything you’ll regret. Sometimes I suspect friends are grieving the loss of their soon to be married friend, but that conflicts with their desire for friend to be happy,so they end up acting less than stellar. 

You seem super sweet, so I’m sure this is going to work out. As sure as I am that this guy is probably no good for your friend. 

Post # 13
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

rusticchic212:  I don’t think it’s wrong that she’s texting him all the time… or any boyfriend all the time. I DO think it’s extremely wrong for her to be dating a married man. Especially one that JUST had a baby! I think there are SO many things wrong with that.

I understand why, so close to your wedding it’s offensive. I’ll say this, whatever you do, do not let her invite said married man to be her date at the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

rusticchic212:  I know it must hurt your feelings, and it would probably do the same to me, but do you really expect her to be more or as excited about something going on in your life (your wedding) than in hers (her new relationship)? That’s just unrealistic IMO. Many women in new relationships are really into talking about and to them, I can’t blame her for texting him so much even though the circumstances are questionable. 

Post # 15
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

rusticchic212:  I would warn against expressing this as being “concerned” about her behavior when you talk to her–it comes off as very condescending/married-splaining (and do not use the word “blessed” to refer to yourself when talking to her either!!!!).  I would be very hurt and feel like I was being lectured to as a child if a newlywed friend decided to sit me down and tell me all about what I was doing wrong in my love life.

(edited to be less cynical)

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