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Woah, that's pretty rough. All I can say is that the conversion experience can be really intense for people and they don't speak from the logical part of their brains when discussing it sometimes. Try not to take it to heart; CLEARLY what she meant was that she found something that she believed and responded to in a way that she didn't feel for Catholicism, even though she didn't know how to say that.
I completely understand why you are upset and I'm not catholic, I'm baptist. She may not have meant it in a rude way, or maybe she was being defensive. If she made another comment like that again, I would point out how offensive that was.
Try not to get too consumed by her comment. Yes, she could have phrased it in a nicer tone but I'm assuming you knew about her converting well BEFORE she was asked to be a bridesmaid so one some level you had to have seen this coming. By the way, I'm not excusing her behaviour by any means just keep in mind that religion is a heated topic and everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
I can definitely relate. I'm Russian Orthodox, and we do a lot of things that are uber conservative. I once had a friend who said something to the effect of, "oh...I thought it was only your crazy cult religion that did that!" I ended up letting her know how much her comment hurt me, and she sincerely apologized. She wasn't religious at all, and I don't think she realized how hurtful her comment was.
My suggestion would be to take your BM aside and let her know that what she said hurt you. That everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that while she isn't Catholic anymore, you'd appreciate it if she refrained from bashing your faith in front of you. Of course, word it a little nicer than I just did, but I think that making her aware that your comment hurt you will open her eyes to what exactly happened.
So...no, I don't think you're overreacting, and having a talk with her will help to clear the air.
I don't think she will think your wedding is a lie. That's a pretty strong statement. Personally, I've been in Catholic weddings as a BM. I'm not a Catholic, I don't believe in a lot of the things that the Catholic Church believes, but in no way was I standing there thinking to myself "THIS WEDDING IS ALL A BIG LIE!" I was joyful and happy for my friend. What kind of wedding she chose to have didn't matter to me at all. It wasn't about Catholicism, it was about my friend's happiness.
I do think she should have reeled it in with her comment, though. That's a bold statement to make, especially in front of someone of that faith. Don't hold it against her, though.I'm sure she was not purposefully trying to hurt or insult you.
I don't think it is petty, but at the same time, I don't think it should change her being in your wedding if she is a true friend to you otherwise. You mention that if she had "said it in a nicer way" this wouldn't be as big of an issue. However, what you are upset about now is that she will stand up with you and think inside that it's all crap. Here's the thing - you also say that you didn't choose your BM's based on religion. Whether she vocalized her feelings about the religion or not, she may have stood there on your wedding day with that thoughts - the differnence is now that you KNOW how she MAY be feeling.
I don't think it is a matter of over-reaction as much as you being hurt about something. You have the right to be hurt, no one can really tell you "don't be hurt" about something. Thing is, as I mentioned you almost contradict yourself in your post about why this is so upsetting to you - which leaves me wondering if it is really this ONE comment by her that has you upset. or perhaps this friend has a habit of being overly blunt, embarassing you, saying mean or upsetting things, etc...
Chances are if this is really about the one comment, its probably better to just politely tell her your feelings were hurt and move on. A good friend, regardless of religion, is not going to stand with you on your wedding day criticizing you - She is going to be happy for her friend who is being married.
So ask yourself if you are really upset about her non-belief in your religion during your ceremony or if it is something else that has got you riled up.
Either way - hugs sent your way because ALL of us know what it is like to be emotional when planning your wedding! :)
I am sorry she said that, as Miss Spaniel said I don't think she meant it in a bad way. People get carried away/swept up especially when they've recently converted. I was all uber excited when I left the religion of my youth to join the one that my FI is a member of, and as an "excitable" person I can understand that people really don't mean to be mean- they're just excited... sometimes people just don't think before they speak...
When it comes to religion, everyone has their own truth, and it sounds like she just put her foot in her mouth during what was probably a highly emotional situation for her. Your bridesmaid has religious differences with you. This in no way means that she doesn't believe you've found the person you'll be with forever. I've certainly gone to and participated in ceremonies where I disagreed with the religious aspect, but it didn't make the union between those two people any less moving or real.
I understand why you would be upset but I say don't stress it. The truth to you is not the truth to everyone else. While it was rude of her, I would ignore it. Religion is such a touchy subject.
That was an incredibly rude and hurtful thing for your bridesmaid to say, and you are certainly not overreacting. When people experience a religious conversion, they often feel very passionately about not only their new faith, but also about what they have decided was incorrect about their former faith or former lack of faith. This will inevitably hurt to contemplate if this is the first time that you have done so, but it is a sure thing that there will be people involved in your wedding who will believe that your religion and its rituals are not true or correct. That's just a part of us all following different faiths. If everyone believed in Catholic doctrine and rituals, then they'd become Catholics. But of course, while there may be people present and even closely involved in your wedding, you're correct that there's no reason why they should shove it in your face that they disagree with you. I would hope that most of your attendants and guests will respectfully watch your ceremony and participate to the spiritual extent that they are able, whether through praying for your new marriage or through simple glad-hearted joy and well-wishing. Personally, I don't think anything like asking her to step down is necessary, but you would be perfectly within your rights to have a conversation with her letting her know that the two of you will never agree completely about religion but that it hurts you to hear her discuss yours in a disrespectful manner. If she has an ounce of decency, that should serve as a wakeup call that she needs to change her attitude. Hopefully there won't be any more incidents like this and you can enjoy your wedding and the support and love of all those gathered around you.
Religion is one of those things that is almost always awkward to talk about, especially since there are so many variations. I have a very difficult accepting that one religion is wrong where another is right. If you get down to the root of all religions, they are generally based on the same morals and values. Your friend was not the most sensitive about making her comment, but don't take it to heart. Catholicism is no less of a 'real' or 'true' religion than any other. It's all about what fits with the individual's own beliefs. Unfortunately some people take that to an extreme to believe that means others are wrong, and that's what causes so much conflict in this world.
I can totally relate. Isn't it funny how someone can believe something with such conviction just because they feel it, but not trust that you have conviction and merit in what you believe? I'm sorry she said that, it's not right. :(
Thanks for all your comments, ladies. You just don't know how good it is to get that off my chest.
@Christalynn, I think you've hit the mark, right on. She does have a tendency of being brutally frank and being to honest to a fault. But I guess that's one of the reasons why I love my friend. She's too honest that it's hilarious most of the time. But I guess I just reacted differently to her brutal honesty this time. Frankly, I'm suprised as to how hurt I was.
I guess what they say is true, that you should never discuss religion or politics because they are both very dicey!!!
I just wish she could've said something like, "I don't believe in it's practices," as opposed to implying that my religion is not the truth. Frankly, religion or not, we are all bound to disagree. I just wished she disagreed in a nicer way.
@msqthoney - Your friend sounds EXACTLY like one of my good friends. She speaks without thinking (and for me, this ISN'T something I actually love about her at all - lol) and tends to say things that are not appropriate in the minds of most people. There are tons of things about her that I DO really love, but this tends to be an issue for us over and over again. She has no clue how rude she comes across to other people who don't know her well and it's difficult to deal with. I saw so much of myself in that post that I had to say something! :)
Still, I would pull her aside, maybe go to coffee and explain that comments about religion need to be kept to herself with regard to your wedding. That was jsut off-color and not okay.
And by the way, I'm not Catholic myself or even 'religious' but it really is something close to the heart that can sink relationships with people when improperly handled.
while what she said was stupid because of her timing and well, talking religion with friends is not always a good idea, i would probably just let it go. i mean really, she has the right to think it's a lie. most people who aren't your religion do. i'm jewish, and when i have to sit through services that talk all about jesus, i'm not too happy about it. that doesn't mean that when a friend asks me to be in her wedding, i don't happily do so and support her any less because of our difference in religion. i don't have to support her religion to support her marriage.
@artbee: True, talking about religion (and politics) can sometimes end up in heated arguments or in this case, hurt feelings. You are right, she doesn't have to support my religion to support my marriage. I guess I just took it so personally because I am one of those catholics who have always dreamed of getting married in a church, by a priest, with a full mass and all the bells and whistles of a catholic ceremony. I guess I just had a hard time separating my wedding with my religion because I've always associated them with each other.
I just wish I didn't have to hear it...
Don't let it get to you. All that matters is what you and your FI believe.
And she'll be there because she believes in YOU.
Religion is touchy. Getting hurt from time to time comes with the territory of deeply held beliefs. It's ok to feel that way.
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Couple of days ago, I arranged a bridesmaids' lunch for my ladies because some of them don't know each other.
So we were discussing wedding traditions and how the catholic ceremony works (FI and I are catholic and having a catholic wedding) and most of my BMs are not catholic. One of my BM's said that she is very familiar with the ceremony because she used to be catholic and went to a catholic school when she was young. My other BM then asked her why she converted from roman catholicism to a different religion and she blurted out, "Because it's the truth, I found the truth!!!"
So I sat there and was just super offended by her comment, because I felt that she was implying that what I believe is all a lie, and that's why she left. I've heard people say that what they believe is the truth and I do respect that, but I guess I've never heard it in comparison to my own religion, like I left your religion because it's a lie. And for some reason, I guess I was too hurt to react or say something (I tend to keep quiet when I'm hurt or angry). I mean, she is entitled to her own opinion and beliefs, but this time, I just felt weird. I've never had problems with my friends having different religions (in fact, only one BM is catholic) and I've never felt differently about them or their beliefs. My friends and I have always been open about religion and the differences in our practice but we've never put down another's beliefs.
What I'm trying to say is that I feel kind of weird having her there in my uber-catholic ceremony and having such an important role in my wedding when I know that deep inside, she doesn't believe in all that we're doing there. The sermon, offering of flowers to the virgin mary... stuff like that... I can't help but think that maybe while we're doing the ceremony, inside she'd be like, "This is all BS!"
I wish she could've said something nicer like, "I converted because I don't believe in the practices of roman catholics anymore", or something to that effect. Ugghh, now I feel really stupid for writing this because I know it's super petty. But I just can't imagine her anymore in my catholic ceremony, because I know that she might feel like my wedding is all a big lie.
Ughh, sorry, this is super long. I've never told anybody about this because I'm afraid that they might say that I am overreacting. Am I overreacting? Ahhh, I think the stress of wedding planning is making me extra emotional.