Hurt by FMILs Reaction

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@annb9:  In this situation I would just tell her, nicely but directly, that your mother is giving as much as she can, and leave it at that.  If your future mother-in-law gets snarky I would be very direct and say that she is giving more than you expected her to be able to and if she could give more she absolutely would but it is impossible.  I doubt your FMIL will have a response to that (and if she does then it might be time to remind her that your parents make much less than she and her husband do and the amount that they’re giving is very high considering their incomes).  

Post # 4
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@annb9:  she is giving just $5000 more then your parents…how could she expect more from them.?

 

Post # 6
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@annb9:  Wow, that is awful.  I can see how you are hurt.  Neither side is giving us money for our wedding so our budget is like 20% of yours and we are also in New England.  I hope your future MIL isn’t coincidentally on my guest list because she will be super disappointed.  Joking aside, that sucks and I’m glad your fiance is supportive anyway.

Post # 7
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My FILs love to remind both me and FI that weddings cost 20-40k. They are kind of lucky that my parents are contributing what they are, because they expect a higher caliber of wedding than FI and I could afford alone. Like, that list of 70 guests she handed me? Yeah, that would not have happened. Your FMIL should be happy with that budget, and if she’s not, well, she’s welcome to increase it with *her own* money

Post # 8
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@annb9:  Meh…she said it to him, not you….and sometimes people just say things, its ok.  Don’t let it bother you and don’t let it become an issue, its just not a big deal.

Post # 9
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@annb9:  My situation is sort of similar.  My parents are giving us around $50k for our wedding which is a great budget, we also are having our wedding in a more expensive area and my parents want.  We have done a really great job of staying within the budget and have a couple of things to pay for that FI and I have gladly taken on ourselves.  FMIL said she would like to pay for these expenses, one being flowers, and she was completely appalled by the price ($2500, not bad for NYC) and claiming we are getting ripped off and she used to be a florist and just basically making a big deal out of it. This is her first wedding (she has two sons, FI is the oldest) so I don’t think she is aware of the price of wedding things and she is also from MN where the cost of living is much cheaper.  FIL’s are a tough topic, people jsut od things so differently.

Post # 10
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

Woah! That was pretty rude of her. I think 50-60K is a huge amount of money. Our wedding cost about 20 K in dollars including flights and it was really nice. In the end its all about the marriage and having your good friends and family around you. Don’t feel pressured to put on a huge flashy show if you don’t want to. I just get the impression this is what your FMIL is expecting/ used to. 

Post # 11
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@annb9:  That does sounds very mean of her.  There is no need to say that, even if you are thinking it

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@annb9:  Oh I can imagine!!! I would personally be LIVID that she made that remark, but some people really have no idea how much they need their priviledge checked.  I still think you should say something to her now (don’t call and start a fight, but the next time she mentions it or if she makes a comment again) before she thinks its ok to say things like that in the future.  She might really have no idea she’s being rude, from her perspective your parents are being cheap so she needs to realize they are actually being very generous.  

Post # 13
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@annb9:  Ugh, I’m sorry for her comment. I think 25k is very generous and also very do-able for a wedding! If she has such a problem with the budget, she can contribute. 

Post # 14
Member
825 posts
Busy bee

@annb9:  Your FMIL and my FMIL should sit down and have tea. We were in the exact same situation. They make eleventy billion buttloads per year and my mom (single parent) makes in the mid-six figures. They live in one of the wealthiest areas of the country and are very out of touch with money (and apparently, tacky comments like that.) We actually turned down their generous contribution to the wedding because I didn’t want them to be able to make comments like that.

Post # 15
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Nona99:  agreed.

@annb9: It was a tactless comment, but she said it to her son and thankfully, not to you. This is one of those instances where it’s okay to not share everything with your partner. My side of the family (not my parents) have made quips about my FI’s family’s assumed income level, which is comfortably middle class. I have not and will never be relaying any of these comments to my FI because although they hurt me, but they’d hurt him so much more. 

Post # 16
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

What did your FI say to his mother?  I would just leave it alone, this is not something to get the rest of your off to an icky start.  She was talking to her son, not to you, and she probably honestly thought your parents were giving more, she’s not party to their finances or how they operate.   I had the same problems with my MIL, I love her  I really do, but she thought my Dad was kicking in alot of the money.  She was surprised when DH informed her that we would be paying for the wedding.  I let DH handle it, his mother, her mouth .. his problem.  

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