Post # 1
What would you do bees if your parents claimed they were broke and didn’t help you with your wedding finances and continued to spend a lot of money on other things? Would you be hurt?
Last week I had discussed with my mom the stess of fitting in our honeymoon costs on top of the wedding budget. My FI and I had decided that Hawaii might be the best option due to it being a bit cheaper than our original idea but that was still too much IMO. Today I called her and she says that she just got out of surgery (to my shock!). She quickly calmed me by stating that she had her boobs re-done to improve her cleavage to the way it was a few years ago (when she was nipped, tucked, sucked and inflated). My first question was ‘”why?” and my second “how much does that cost?”. Her response was “not cheap (hinted at several thousands)” and “because we are going to Hawaii (we as in her and her BF that she left my stepdad for) in two weeks.”
Let me be clear, my FI and I started planning our wedding with the idea that we would have to pay for everything without any help and that is fine with us. What isn’t fine is my mother telling me one thing and clearly it isn’t true, in the end I am a little hurt.
I know it is her money and she can do with it what she wants but after a lifetime of never being around and putting me through so much I had kind of hoped she would step up and actually be a mom in some way. Again, perhaps that is my mistake for hoping and assuming as much.
Curious if any other bees have a similar situation? Did you/will you say something?
Post # 3
I’ve been through this with DH’s brother (Best Man) and his wife in our wedding and just had to give up trying to talk sense into them. Honestly, I just had to come to realize that people will always have money for the things they want to have money for. Period.
Sad but true.
Post # 4
I would be hurt. No they are not required, but I do think if they could afford it they would want to offer to help. I think why I would be hurt is because I would interpret them not wanting to help as a slight against me. Like Hawaii is more important than her daughter. Now I know that is not what it is, but that is why I would feel hurt.
What would I do? I don’t know. I would try to just deal with it quietly. If I found it eating at me I would maybe write a letter to my mom saying something like (I like letters because handwritten shows time and love, and you can think about what you want to say and get it all in!)
“Mom, I am feeling not important in your eyes. I know it is not your responsibility to pay for my wedding and I am not asking you to. But I feel like you place your cosmetic surgery and vacation in higher importance than me. I know this is not what you meant to relate, but its the way I feel. I am telling you because I am harboring resentment and hurt and I am afraid it is starting to come between us. Can we talk”
Post # 5
It would not bother me if she didn’t want to give me money for the wedding (see comment above about having money for things you want to do), but I would be choked if she told me it was because she was broke.
Post # 6
This would bother me. Because she claimed she could not help you because she was broke but then spends all of this money, I would feel slighted. Sorry this is happening :-/
Post # 7
I’m totally going through this right now. My parents payed for my sister’s wedding, and they said they would pay for everything for mine. I tried to make everything as cheap as possible, and mom kept rejecting budget ideas and spending more money.
Everything was awesome, and I was really happy, but I would’ve been just as happy with a cheaper dress, a cheaper venue and a basically, a cheaper everything.
We have a family friend who usually takes wedding photos for free, and I didn’t want to use her, because I don’t like her style. I pushed for a journalism student I know to take them (would have been about $100), and mom kept insisting I had to have a professional, so we found someone at $2,500.
Now, she’s decided my wedding has gotten “over the top” and it “just keeps growing,” despite the fact I’ve continually offered cheaper options.
She’s making me pay for the photographer even though FI and I are making just enough to scrape by and she knows it. Oh, yeah, and they just bought a new 3D tv and are looking at new furniture. So…yeah. I know how you feel :(.
Post # 8
Did you ask your mother to contribute? If you really didn’t think your mother had any responsibility to pay for your wedding, why would it matter what she did with her money? I guess I would be upset only if I felt she should help (have responsibility to help), and didn’t help because she claimed she was broke but got cosmetic surgery instead. If I had no expectations about what my family should be contributing, it would not be my concern what they did with their money.
Maybe to her, she is broke because she had to pay for this surgery. It’s not that she is saying you’re not important, but if she didn’t think she had responsibility to pay for your wedding (since you’ve already said you planned to pay for it all along), why would she feel the need to contribute, and give up her surgery for it?
Post # 9
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. My mom isn’t loaded, but she could be quite well off if she didn’t compulsively spend. Last year, I turned 21. At first, she mentioned she’d love to throw me a huge party. Later, after I was excited, she told me she couldn’t afford 500 dollars for my party. No big deal, still had a great bday weekend with FI. Flash forward to this year, my mom spent about 600 on sisters catered graduation party, took bro to the beach for his bday, and is now sending bro to two very expensive camps that he wants to attend with his friends. She has yet to offer to pay anything towards my wedding. FMIL offered to pay half, but I know for a fact my mom won’t. When I told her I was looking at about $225 for a cake, she flipped her lid (and thats cheap!)! I am really embarrassed that she isn’t contributing and FMIL and FFIL will.
Post # 10
You did not make it clear – did you directly ask for money from them? Or did you do the passive-aggressive-ineffective Girl Thing and hint at having a small budget for the honeymoon/wedding? Because if you didn’t ask directly, I think you have less ground to stand on with being mad.
Post # 11
I’d be hurt and disappointed. IMO, she sounds self-absorbed. So sorry!!!
Post # 12
usually i’m in the “you can’t assume you know anyone’s financial situation” camp, but i’d be mad as hell if i were you.
Post # 13
I’d be frustrated but it sounds like you’ve had a somewhat rocky relationship with her all along, so this probably doesn’t come as a surprise. It’s actually a blessing- without her contributions you can do whatever you want without consulting her!
Post # 14
I dont think it would be hurt, but my parents have helped me out through college and always made sure I had nothing to worry about. But maybe your mom is “broke” cause she had been planning the surgery and trip for a while, and didnt have much left over? Its been said time and time again, no one is really “supposed” to help you pay for your wedding, even if it was nice and a tradition. Really, (I dont mean this in a bad way at all), but one could say, if you could afford that 2ct ring you’re rocking, it wouldnt seem as though you need help. You want to spend a ton of money on your ring, your mom wants to spend it on her boobs and vacation. You both earned it, you can spend it how you see fit.
Post # 15
I think I understand how you feel on a purely emotional level, though I’m in the school of thought that says she should be able to spend her money however she likes. I imagine the reason she told you she was broke or didn’t have the money is because it was easier than saying, “Well, I have the money but I’m going to spend it on something else” – which in my opinion is a perfectly legitimate reason not to contribute, but there’s really no way to say it without sounding harsh. I think this is probably a bigger blow for you because you feel she deceived you – especially since you noted that she hasn’t really been there for you before, so maybe if she had just been up front about it, it wouldn’t have surprised you or fazed you as much?
But I’m sorry that this happened this way and that it hurt you. Even though I think people should be able to spend their money in whatever way they see fit – and it doesn’t always make them selfish – I can see how if she hasn’t really been there for you at other points in your life, and has always put herself ahead of you, this might be like a negative version of icing on the cake. 🙁
Post # 16
My FI mom told us that she would help us out and now she says she can’t. I was over at their house the other day and she was telling me this sad story on why they didn’t have any money and then 20 minutes later she was saying how she was going to buy a $3500 hot tub that she wasn’t going to even be using. (they have a treadmill, elliptical, and swimming pool that they don’t use already) She just bought a new car and her old one is still sitting in their yard and runs perfectly fine…..