Post # 1
Sorry for the book!
I have been with my fiance for 5 1/2 years. We got engaged in April of 2012 and are going to get married August of this years (2013). We have been living together, first in an apartment and now in a house that he owns (that we picked out together) since July of 2009.
His parents (and extended family) are VERY religious and conservative and would NOT approve of us living together before marriage. But we made the decision to move in together because we wanted to live together and felt that it would also improve our relationships with our respective parents. (We both feel like this was a good move — our relationships with our parents are a lot more even keel, so to speak).
When we first moved in to the apartment, it was understood by both of us that his parents would be kept in the dark, if possible (my parents have known from day #1). I was alright with this in the beginning, but I didn’t fully comprehend what I’d agreed to.
I would have to hide my things that “screamed” female. Had to pretend that I still lived at my parents’ house. It started to wear on me.
So now that you guys have some background info — enter problem: The holidays just happened and we all know what that means.. spending a lot of time with family. Since he recently bought a house, there were lots of questions “how do you like it?, is it a fixer-upper?, etc. Some of those questions were directed at me, and I had to lie about them “The fiance loves this or that. All his furnature is moved in and settled blah blah”. The problem about having to lie about my living situation was brought to the forefront of my mind.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to continue living this lie because it really hurts to, essentially, not belong in my own home. I told him about my concern and he basically shut me down, saying that he wasn’t going to tell his parents because the past 3 or so years that he has spent trying to reestablish his relationship with his parents (since he moved out of their house and in with me), will be seen as a complete lie in their eyes and he doesn’t want to disappoint them again. He feels like his mom won’t be able to handle it.
I feel like he’s putting his parent’s feelings before mine. He mentioned, in anger, that he will tell his parents after we get married… but I don’t think this will fix the problem – I think they will still see it as a sin, and also be hurt that their son lied to them for so long. Anyway… I feel like this should be fixed before wedding bells ring. Am I justified in feeling this way?
Post # 3
Personally, I could not be with someone that wasn’t adult enough to tell their parents and asked me to lie.
Post # 4
This is a really crappy situation. It sounds like he is not adult enough to be honest with his parents regardless of their judgement. Just keep in mind that this is how he handles things and this could and likely will continue in the future with other things. Are you ok with that?
Post # 5
@alto_treble: I think you are completely justified in feeling this way. I was in an incredibly similar sitatuation. I moved in with my Fi about 6 months after dating because it made sense for our living situation. We didn’t tell my parents because my mom said she would disown me if I ever did that, but his parents and my dad and stepmom knew about the situation. It wore on both of us to constantly lie and keep my stepdad and mom in the dark. Literally all my siblings and cousins knew because they would come visit and stay with us. It got to the point where I couldn’t handle lying to my parents and my FI was tired of having to change up his stories when we would go to my parents. It wasn’t enjoyable. I came clean to my stepdad about a week after we got engaged.
My stepdad was initially hurt because I’m living in sin, but even more hurt because I lied to him for so long. I wish i had been upfront from the beginning, but I’m glad everybody knows now. It makes life so much easier.
Does your fiance plan on telling them after the wedding that yall were living togehter for so long before? I get his feelings of not wanting to dissapoint them, but he needs to think of your feelings in this matter as well. What would it change if they knew?
Post # 6
First off, MONTH TWIN!
Second, hes starting your married life with a lie, and has lived your whole relationship hiding a big part of his life from his parents. I dont see why he’s trying to please them so much but i dont know him. I wouldnt do it. I had personally lied to my parents about my now FI about his age. It wasnt initially a lie, I legitally thought he was 23. 24 TOPS when we started dating. And didnt ask until a few weeks into the relationship and turns out he was 29 so..i just didnt tell them. Until recently. I had to clear the air with my parents about it for my own sanity. My FI wanted to tell them from the beginning but I feared theyd kick me out of the house ( which they did anyways) so i guess it didnt matter lol. It was worth telling them. All the anxiety, lies, stories i had to make up on the spot, its all over n i feel a thousand times better. I dont really know how you can make you FI understand your feelings.. good luck!
Post # 7
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
You two are adults and can live together if you want, irregardless of your parents beliefs.
Post # 8
Do you mind me asking how old your FI is? It would seem that he isn’t very mature if he can’t tell his parents he’s living with his soon to be bride. Seems crazy to me. I would not be okay with this. You are totally justified in feeling this way.
Post # 9
@alto_treble: Lying is a pretty big deal in my mind, especially since you are both adults. The parents don’t have to love/agree with the decision to live together, but they need to respect it. Being adults, you make your own decisions, based on what you feel is right for you. Why lie about it? What other things would he lie about then? In my opinion, it’s immature and it’s wrong of him to ask you to lie about it as well.
I moved in with my FI about 9 months ago and that didn’t go over well with my parents. But I could never lie to them about it, and it seemed silly to do since I’m an adult. So while it has caused some tension, they appreciated the honesty.
My brother has been living with his FI for almost a year and half. They decided not to tell either set of parents (hers pay for the apartment and would have been fine with them living together but the catch is that my parents had to be told as well). So they’ve been living a lie and my ENTIRE family knows about it, but won’t say anything. They think they are fooling everyone and being clever but they are actually damaging relationships. It’s terrible and I’ve encouraged them to be honest and hoped that I would set an example by being honest in my sitation.
You have every right to feel the way you do and I think everyone would feel better in the end if you guys just came out with it.
Post # 11
When I first moved in with my boyfriend I didn’t tell my parents because I was afraid of disappointing them. We had only been together for like 5 months and I just knew my mom was going to flip out. She had made multiple comments about how I couldn’t live with him before I was married because it wasn’t the “right way” to do things. Well after about a month of talking about make believe apartments and watching my BF look disappointed every time we were around my parents and he had to lie for me, I finally told them. Afterwards my BF told me how bad it made him feel and I felt pretty terrible. My mom did freak out, but she got over it and things are so much better for my relationship now.
I guess my point is, I think your feelings are justified and when I put my BF through the same thing he felt the same way as you. I didn’t want to tell my parents because I was scared honestly, I’m 28 years old and I’m still afraid of my mom, sad I know!
Post # 12
@raisedonrobbery: He’s 24, will be 25 in October of this year.
@Spade504: I don’t think that much would change. His parents will initially be VERY mad, and may not want to speak to him (us?) for a while. But I feel like, in the long run, it will be a relief to not have to conceal that lie any more (If he got his way, he would never tell them about us living together. Our whole life is a long time to keep up this lie.) Not to mention the fact that I would wouldn’t have to feel as if I don’t belong in my own house. He says that he knows that it sucks for me that I have to live this lie, but that I’m not the only one having to live it…
@ColoradoGirl: The fiance has mentioned in passing that “chances are that my parents already know that we’re living together. They’re just at the point of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’.” Which doesn’t feel very good! My retort about that is “If you think they already know… why not tell them? It’s important to me!” He is just afraid (to the point of tears) about disappointing his parents. Yet I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
Post # 13
@alto_treble: He’s gotta tell his parents. You shouldn’t stay if he doesn’t.
Post # 14
@BHB0526: My fiance sees that this upsets me, but is too afraid to tell them about us living together. I know that he cares about me. But to have him ignore something that I feel so strongly about… It has me second guessing whether or not he’s ready to further our relationship currently, if ever.
Post # 15
You should not feel badly about doing this, because is was his fear and immaturity that created the situation…now that you know how absurd it is to lie about the choices the two of you make as adults as well as how bad it feels to support his lie…well, I would just tell him that you thought he would have found the courage to be honest and proud of his life and the choices that comprise that….and since he hasn’t you must insist that everyone be brought up to speed on the living arrangements, since you are quite finished hiding your things in your own home.
No other action than that is necessary, he’ll either tell them, or they’ll figure it out, since you aren’t going to help keep this charade running….as if his parents try to come down on you over it, I would remind them it was their son who insisted on hiding this from them, perhaps exploring the inspiration for the deception would be more productive than blaming you.
Post # 16
I would ask him, “who’s feelings are more important? Me, your parents or you?”
You- It’s starting to wear on you and you want to live the truth. It hurts that you can’t live in the house like you want and speak freely.
Parents–they have an image of what is right. if their son lives another way, they will be angry
Him–he is scared of his parents anger.
So in the end his fear and parents anger is more imporant than how you feel.
If he doesn’t fess up, just be prepared for a life time of their feelings coming before yours. It doesn’t get better once you get married. Yes, for this one topic it will, but something else will happen and he’ll have to choose and more than likely he will choose them.