Post # 1
My FSIL is a bridesmaid. I have planned a few fun things before the rehearsal for my three bridesmaids as part of their gift – a little relaxing at spa and lunch. I also booked a hair dresser and let all my maids know to choose whatever style they like, we’ll meet up at the salon wedding morning, and that all of this was on me. FSIL had ignored my emails when I asked for their preferences for a spa treat. Three weeks later, she texted me to say not to make any appointments for her. That she already made an appointment at a day spa the morning of the rehearsal (a different one), wouldn’t come for lunch with the other bridesmaids because she wanted to hang out with her bf, and she’d do her own hair on wedding day and meet later for photos. I understand if she wants to do her own hair, but I at least wanted her to join all the girls at the salon the morning of – to keep it fun and celebratory. She is somewhat bratty, but still I’m sort of upset she doesn’t want to participate in what I’ve offered her. She’s met, and gotten along very well with my other two maids so I don’t think it has to do with her feeling uncomfortable. Should I let her know how much it would mean to me (and also to her brother)? Is it totally bridezilla of me to tell her what time we’ll be picking her up on wedding day and be firm with her joining us wedding morning?
Post # 2
blushingbride2bee: I think it would be Bridezilla-ish if you tried to force her into anything she doesnt want to do and she has clearly stated what her preferences are around that time. Even though you said she is bratty she is still her own person and you have to try (as hard as it may be) to remember and respect this.
I think it would be a good idea if you maybe SAW her, not text, email or phone call, and sincerely expressed to her how much it would mean to you if she participated in the full day of awesome actvities you have planned for your bridesmaids. If she still declines then there’s nothing you can do but enjoy your day with the people that want to be a part of your amazing day – hour zero to… well whenever it ends. Best of luck and remember to ENJOY every single minute!
Post # 3
blushingbride2bee: Just because you’re getting married you don’t get to dictate what grown adults do with their time. She’ll be there for what she needs to be there for as a bridesmaid, which is what you asked her to do.
I see no reason why she has to be involved in a forced group hang with you and your bridesmaids just because you’re getting married. Talk to her in person about how much it would mean to you, if she chooses not to come, don’t stress over it.. Its not everyones cup of tea.
Post # 4
CocoClassic: Thanks for your reply – I’m really asking more for FI here. He wants to make sure his sister participates with the other bridesmaids and honors me, knowing she can be very selfish. He’s the one who suggested just telling her where to be and when, he’s a bit ticked off with her, while i’m more on the “too bad she doesn’t want to, I wish she would take a morning away from her bf to hang out with her fsil” side of it.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
If she doesn’t want to be there, it’s not going to be fun for you! Just let her do what she wants and enjoy your time with your friends. Btw, don’t pull the “it’ll mean a lot to your brother” card because she will see right through that. I’m assuming he’s not going to be at the salon, so it really won’t make a difference to him either way. Even if that’s not true, that is how she will see it. And it really won’t make a difference after the wedding that she wasn’t there.
Post # 6
Wow, so while yes you can’t dictate to anyone what they have to do as an adult ie where they have to get their hair done etc. as a bridesmaid you kind of expect to participate in these fun things with the bridal party. I too would be hurt and annoyed by her actions and what seems like a very negative attitude. If she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid and participate in everything that goes along with it then why did she agree to do it? I would absolutely talk to your FI and find out if there is an underlying reason for her attitude That maybe you don’t know about. Maybe she wants to get married and is jealous? How did she act when picking out the dresses etc was she excited or a brat about that too? I’m sorry you have someone in your wedding party who is being such a brat, no not everyone is super girly and wants to participate in these type of events but she’s being distant for a reason. I would also address her in person and tell her how you feel and tell her it would mean a lot to have her at these events and you would like to get to have some QT with her to bond.
Post # 7
MeiFrancis: True, FI will not be there, but he is actually very upset over her actions. My brother is a groomsman and has been awesome, and he feels that his sister isn’t making an effort (she won’t attend shower or bachelorette because she’s made plans with the bf). I tend not to dictate and will probably just stick to that, but thought I’d see if there’s any input out there for FI’s sake!
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Express to her how important it is to you to share those moments with her; if she still declines, go ahead and enjoy. It’s not your or FI’s job to make her not be “selfish”, it’s her decision if she wants to participate or not. You should just focus on enjoying your special day.
Post # 9
I would just drop it. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to participate and will just be a downer if she is intimidated into coming.
Post # 10
blushingbride2bee: I’m sorry your FSIL is being uncooperative. This might be completely unhelpful, but I’m having my brother stand up with me, and if my FH had a sister, she would stand on his side. My brother doesn’t care about participating in “groomsmen” activities at all. I’ve seen two other weddings where this was done and no one batted an eye, in fact people thought it was more meaningful that each sibling got to stand up with his/her own brother/sister. Is it too late to switch to doing this?
Post # 11
blushingbride2bee: If it means that much to you and you feel that close to her, then maybe you should tell her you will pick her up. (so that the flow of the day will go better and you all can bond) My BILs wife ended up being my BM and well she kind of was distant too. She was soppose to help and bailed. everything went fine but i still feel hurt that she did that when i tried hard to help her with her wedding. because she was off on her own, things were late, didnt flow well, she did her hair exactly like mine?? which i didnt understand because she was suppose to do the BMs hair but bailed and knew how i wanted mine?? so my experiance with SILs (or i guess my BILs wife) is that they are a bit difficult to work with. from what you say it sounds like she is young. if she is under 18 shes only going to be conserned with her boyfriend and friends. but if you have a gentle, heart to heart, talk maybe she will come around. good luck!
Post # 12
Wow i find this pretty mean tbh.
On the morning of my weddings myself and my maids and mum will all be going to the same salon to get our hair done – paid for by myself and FI. i would be pretty upset if one of them said they wanted to do it themselves.
I can kinda understand the spa before the rehersal as aslong as she does the rehersal thats all that matters but as for the wedding day i think that if somebody has given you the honour of being in the bridal party the least you can do is suck it up and do as the bride requests for a couple of hours- and before i get lynched for that – im not sayin they gotta do anything unreasonable like a BM dance or carry me on a throne! – im just asking them to wear a pretty dress, paying for them to make their hair look good, and then we are all gettin ready together i dont think thats to much to ask.
id probably speak to her in person and explain that you want her to be part of the lead up to marrying her brother aswel as part of the ceremony
Post # 13
I love my brothers, but I’m not really friends with my SIL’s friends. Actually for both my SIL’s I really can’t stand their friends. I see them as drunk, immature and annoying. I love my SIL’s but just not their friends.
I’d have a limit to how much of SIL’s friends that I’d endure for them for the sake of my brother. I adore my SIL but that dosn’t mean I want to be chumming around with her besties. And if one tried to pull the “it means so much to your brother” card I’d laugh. My brother wants his wife happy, not me to participate. People have different personalities, they can’t be faulted for that.
I’m not a party/drinking person and I don’t like crowds unless I’m with people I know well. Men have it alot easier when it comes to chumming. My SIL’s and I have relationships that have grown over years…my brothers were “friends” with my FI after 10 mintutes of meeting.
Post # 14
BWLE: Yes, I suppose that’s where I”m coming from with the hurt feelings. I’m not trying to dictate “put your hair up or else, do this, do that” – and while I get that bridesmaids really are just supposed to show up dressed in what is agreed, I just expected a bit more excitement and willingness on her part. She is girly and is doing exactly what I had planned (spa, lunch, doing hair) just doing it on her own. She was fine picking out dresses, but toward the end of it started to seem annoyed b/c her bf was done working and she wanted to meet up with him. I think the bf is a common factor in all this!
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
blushingbride2bee: My question is why does she want to be a BM if she doesn’t want to join in anything and support you on your wedding day? Also, is she good at doing her hair or is it likely to turn out a mess and look ridiculous next to the professional hair of the other maids?
This would just piss me off. You can’t make her do the spa day, but it’s not unreasonable to ask her to turn up to the stuff organized on the actual wedding day. She should be trying to minize your stress not add to it.