Hurt friend making me uncomfortable…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center

Spend time with her! Go out to lunch, or just coffee! Drop her off at the airport or pay for her shuttle or find her a ride. Can you hang out with her and A at the same time?

Post # 4
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

EEEEK how awkward.  Personally, I’d just say you paid for your BM because she’s your frickin’ BM!! I paid for one of my BM’s flights, but no other out of town guests, and frankly, if another guest confronted me about it I would be very offended.  🙁

I’d give her a ride to the airport though.

Post # 7
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

This girl flew 10 hours to celebrate your marriage, and you don’t even want to drive her to the airport because you have a lunch invitation?

If I were her, I’d be hurt too. 

You also reached out and invited her to just the reception, then also got caught in a lie about sending her an invitation. I can see where she’s coming from with some of the questions she’s asking. She didn’t initiate this situation…you did.

Post # 9
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Be honest, she will see right through the lies and that will make it worse. As for not helpin her find a place and paying, tell her you’re sorry you paid for A bc she was a BM. 

Post # 10
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Your bridesmaid is headed home in 5 days, which presumably means that you have 5 days to spend with her.  Surely you can take a few hours and meet one on one with this friend, T, who you reconnected with enough to invite to your wedding. 

Meet with T and explain to her that you’re happy that she was able to come to the wedding.  Tell her the truth – that you’d lost touch for many years and you weren’t really sure of the closeness of your relationship, but you’re glad that through her coming to the wedding that you’ve been able to reconnect and you hope that going forward you’ll keep in touch.  About the place, just reiterate what you already said – that you were really ensconced in planning when she confirmed her attendance and you weren’t able to help as much as you like.  Catch up on old times. 

 I have to agree with winstonchurchill and others: this woman flew for 10 hours halfway across the world to come to your wedding and celebrate your day.  Clearly she feels close to you, even if you lost touch.  There are some people you lose touch with but still feel close friends with, and she feels that way for you.  She totally deserves a few hours of your time to reconnect, and who knows, maybe you’ll rekindle your friendship.  You can always reschedule that lunch, but when’s the next time T will be int town?

Post # 12
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think T is rude, I think she is being direct.  You’ll need to move your lunch invitation.

Post # 13
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

A: You didn’t send her an invitation. You just sent her a wedding website link. Then you lied to her face. That’s pretty rude IMO. It seems she values the friendship more than you valued it, considering she flew 10 hours for your initial reception.

B: Your bridesmaid is headed home in five days. five. That means you have five days to spend with her, plus the two weeks you had her for when you paid for her studio apartment, plus the one-on-one time you had while you were getting everything set up for the wedding. You can’t offer T any of your time? Really? This is not how I’d treat someone I, at one point, considered a friend. She flew 10 hours to your wedding (Which, Re A: She wasn’t even initially incited to) and presumably gave you a gift and/or money and you’re not even sure if you want to give her a smidgen of your time? Wow.

C: It’s flooring to me that you are actually bringing up a lunch invitation as an excuse to not take her to the airport. My jaw hit the table. You can have lunch anytime with this person I’m assuming. For god’s sake, give her a tiny iota of your time and take her to the airport. This makes you sound ungrateful (Summary of “She flew out to my wedding and I can’t break a lunch invitation to take her to the airport and see her off”) and it just makes me shake my head.

D: If you felt the need to lie to her face, something is very wrong.

I get it. Friendships fade. I haven’t stayed in touch with a lot of my friends from high school and college, some were people that I was especially close to. People take different paths, people change, go their seperate ways, I get not being exceptionally close to her anymore. But treating her like a second class citizen (Re: Lunch date) and refusing to give her a little of your time because you feel uncomfortable is flat out wrong.

 

Only you can judge your relationships and handle this however you want, but I don’t blame her in the slightest for being hurt and upset. If I were in T’s shoes, I would be pissed and if I knew half of the information you’ve posted in this thread, there’s a good chance I’d never talk to you again.

Post # 14
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@winstonchurchill:  +1

I am someone people often consider “exceedingliy polite” (and they let me know it), and I would be terribly hurt by your preferential treatment between friends.
If I paid for a 10 hour flight and accomodations just to attend your wedding, and then found out that you were telling me little white lies to CYA, I’d be upset as well. A friend shouldn’t need to lie.

It doesn’t really matter that “A” is your BM – you obviously want to spend more time with her, and to ensure that you spent your own money on her as well.
You couldn’t even make the time to pick “T” up from the ariport, let alone remember to send her an invitation along with the rest of your guests. Way to make her feel more like an afterthought, and less like a person whose company you enjoy.
It sounds like your friend “T” is no idiot, but you really hoped she would be clueless enough to be fooled.

I hope you find the time to tell her some truths, and also give her a sincere apology for how you’ve been treating her…. I think she deserves it for travelling so far and spending so much time and money to come support you.

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

very awkward…but I agree w/PPs. spend time with her and be honest…everything you wrote in your post was well put and appropriate.  you can add that you really appreciate her coming to the wedding and that you’d like to try to reconnect more within your friendship with her.  good luck!

Post # 16
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bombaysapphire_13:  Just let her know that you didn’t want to make her feel pushed into having to go to your wedding when it seemed so inconvenient for her, but when you found out she could make it work, you sent out the wedding invite, ASAP.

 

I think an apology is also in order. Lt her know you weren’t trying to hurt her feelings, but that you were unintentionally thoughtless and that you’re very sorry for it.

 

EDIT: Oh dear.  need to work on my critical reading skills. I didn’t realize you’d also been lying to her… You need to stop making excuses, and just apologize for how crappily you’ve treated her. And stop lying. It’s childish, and it hurts people (especially whent hey are such bad lies…)

 

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