Hurt I'm not invited – need advice

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

F1reFly:  She may have had to make it family only. Don’t take it personally.

Post # 3
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

F1reFly:  If you have had little contact until this last year when she moved back, I wouldn’t think you would meet the definition of close friend.

I would not bring up the subject. It’s hard enough managing guestlists, without fielding complaints and questions from those who are not invited.

It is also not good ettiquette to invite someone to a shower when they are not invited to the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

F1reFly: There may be many reasons for this, having to do with cost or compromises that she needed to reach with her partner, all of which may have nothing to do with you at all.  She would be in violation of the guidelines of good hospitality to invite you to any pre-wedding events or to extensively discuss the wedding in front of you if you are not invited, so I would not interpret those as her being cold toward you.  Furthermore, it is considered rude to discuss a non invitation with someone, so I wouldn’t interpret that as coldness either.  I also agree w/PP: you should not ask her about your invitation status.

How is she interacting with you otherwise?  How will she continue to interact with you after the wedding?  I think that in answering those questions you will come to an understanding of the state of your friendship.

Post # 5
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

F1reFly:  unfortunately, no one is owed an invitation.  Ever.

You haven’t been particularly close for the past few years and since she’s keeping it small, let it go and be happy for her.

I might say it was a bit of a different story if there was 200 people coming, but a small intimate wedding of family and close friends I wouldn’t be concerned.

 

Post # 6
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

julies1949:  

+1 Several cousins have asked to come to my vow renewal.

I am only the inviting the ones I am closest to and speak to on a fairly regular basis. 

I want an intimate celebration. 

F1reFly:  

Have an honest conversation with your friend. Use “I” messages and gently communicate your hurt feelings. 

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

F1reFly:  I think I’d be hurt too. I kinda want to know who you learned about the wedding from?  Her or someone else cause I think it’s pretty rude to talk about your wedding with people who aren’t invited.  But then agin if she didn’t tell you about it and you haven’t talked in so long it dosn’t seem like you’d be invited to her tiny DW.  Sorry, it sucks.  You could call her up and have a chat, not about the wedding, but to catch up if you want to have a friendship with her.

Post # 10
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you miss her friendship, then perhaps after things settle down a bit, it might be worth trying to renew the relationship. It can be a lot of work to keep up a friendship over decades, but it’s usually worth it.

Post # 11
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

F1reFly:  My BFF of 20 years (and we talk 2-3 times a week still) had a family only wedding. I was a little hurt, but I understood. She is still my BFF. It was more important for me to have her in my life than let this decision get in the way. 

Be the bigger person and find out where she is registered and give her a gift. Write her a heartfelt note saying how much her friendship means to you (give examples of some fun times, or when she was there for you) and you wish her nothing but love and hapiness. 

Post # 12
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t get invitated to a (local) wedding of someone who I considered a very close friend… honestly it really hurt me and I distanced myself from the friendship a lot. The worst part was that I asked “why am I not invited?” and they had no solid answer.

Post # 15
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

F1reFly:  honestly if you and your friend have grown apart, then SOMEONE has to be the first one to try to renew the friendship. Maybe she doesn’t know how to do that or maybe she’s embarrassed. Who knows. I do know that the worst time to try to rekindle with an old friend is during/at your wedding, so don’t hold that against her. Invite her out. Meet at some city halfway between the two of you. Spend some time together. It takes work. Maybe you never grow back together and that’s okay— life gets in the way, and all– you’d be out some gas money and the price of a dinner, maybe a hotel, which in the grand scheme of things is not very much. Maybe the two of you find a way to make each other a priority.

You won’t know till you try.

if you’re not willing to at least try, then why should she?

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