(Closed) hurting…and feeling stupid about it… (a little long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No, you’re definitely not crazy for feeling sad and disappointed. It’s hard when you know that you’d do anything for a friend but then you find out (possibly for the second, tenth, thousandth time) that the same isn’t true in reverse. Even if they’re not cruel about it, even if the reasons are good, it is a very lonely feeling. 

I don’t have any bridesmaids or a maid of honor. For one, I don’t think I’d go that route, anyway. But for another, the decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that I just don’t have close friends anymore, nobody that I would want to be part of all of it. I know that that’s my fault, as I’ve become very distant from everyone in the past year and some months, but even before that it was always a matter of my friends taking everything I had to offer as a friend but weren’t there in return.

I’m not trying to one-up your situation. I promise that. I’m just saying that I know how much it hurts, whether related to a wedding or just everyday ilfe. Even if you know they’re not doing it on purpose to hurt you, it’s still a blow.

I’ll be your maid of honor! I love being there for others, and I am very, very good at texting and calling and emailing and being all manner of excited for someone else. I know that it’s not the same, of course, but I can be a very good surrogate. 🙂

Sigh. I know that didn’t help. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. 

Post # 5
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@dancehalcrasher2:  I’m glad I could help a little bit! Sometimes it helps to have our feelings validated by strangers because you know they’re not “obligated” to agree or sympathize or empathize, not like family or friends. Complaining to family and friends, just to vent, can often feel needy and ungrateful and that you have to apologize for feeling the way you do, because you’re not trying to make them feel bad too, you just want it off of your chest and maybe just a little bit of understanding. Strangers are good for that. It’s definitely why I make very good friends online but not often in person. The friendships may burn quickly, but that’s okay, because I found someone to connect with when I needed it, and could be there in return. And it’s nice to think that maybe it saved the other person a fight or a misunderstanding or whatever with their real life people. Because sometimes we just need to sound crazy or whiny or negative or angry or hurt.

I had a broken moment tonight. Fiancé was hanging out with his friend, which I had no problem with. I don’t particularly like this guy, but by no means do I think they shouldn’t be friends, shouldn’t hang out. But when he got home, I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and frustration and annoyance. I know it’s all stemming from jealousy that I didn’t realize I had for the fact that he has a couple of friends he hangs out with, who get him out of the house, with whom he has fun. I am currently a stay-at-home…whatever. Not a wife. Not a mom. I planned to take classes to get me up at a decent hour and give me something to do, but wasn’t able to finance it. I went in with my mom for season hockey tickets, but now the lockout is ruining that. I have so much time on my hands that I keep procrastinating on things like vacuuming or pulling weeds or whatever because, really, what’s one more day? And I just fell into this pit of jealousy and annoyance with myself and frustration that I couldn’t express any of this without sounding crazy or like I was criticizing him or saying he couldn’t spend time with them. But I felt like, if he fills his life with people who take him for granted, who are lazy, flaky, bossy, rude people (his two close friends, his two ex wives), what does that say about me? 

It was an insane spiral. I don’t know where it came from or why it hit tonight, but I just checked out emotionally. And then afterward, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I hate to pull the “girl card” and claim PMS, but I DO know that that’s part of it. All of these feelings make me feel so stupid. It’s ridiculous! And then I realize that I have nobody to talk to about it except for the fiancé (not that I don’t want to talk to him, but we already had and I needed to get it out of my system — I’m sorry that I unloaded on you, on your thread!), and that made me feel worse. It’s all just so stupid!

Post # 7
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@dancehalcrasher2:  It’s completely understandable that you want to have at least someone else be as excited as you are. Unfortunately that is often not the case. Hang in there.

Post # 9
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I asked my best friend since 8th grade or so to be my MOH, (we’ve had our ups and downs and better friends, but she’s my longest friend and the one who knows me the best), and she accepted and didn’t do ANYTHING. She’s seriously visited me once in the past month for a couple hours and the last time I saw her before that was for her birthday. I went dress shopping with my husband’s friend’s girlfriend. No one is throwing me a bachelorette party or anything. But I’m okay with that. I think focusing on your fiancé is a great way to make the traditional roles being filled less important. I’m really not into a lot of the wedding stuff, so it hasn’t been a huge deal for me. if it counts, I’m excited for your wedding! 🙂 Congrats!

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