Post # 1
before I begin-i know i have issues with jealousy. I am always working on it every single day and even see a therapist. I never want my issues to effect my relationship with my husband, a great guy who i love and trust. As with jealousy-intellectually i know i can trust him, but my emotions can get the best of me. I don’t want to be upset over nothing, but i want to see if other people see an issue with what just happened…
A few days ago my husband’s ex texts him (it’s been a year since she texted last-we just got married 2 months ago). She says :Hey! I’m in city X(where he lived 2 years ago-that’s how long it’s been she didnt even know he moved) wanna meet up? He wrote : I live in city Y now. She says, “Okay, well if you’re in my city, let me know!” He writes :”Will do”
He came home and told me about it. I was happy he was open and told me about it, but then the jeaoulousy monster came in. I was FURIOUS. Why didn’t he mention he was MARRIED? Like “oh i actually live in city Y with my wife.” I was sooo hurt. He said he was in the middle of work about to head into a meeting, and wanted to end the convo asap. He said that if he had written something like that then the convo woudl probably have continued. He just wanted to end it. I get that, I do. I just still have a problem that he didn’t mention that. I’m really hurt. But i know that’s part of my issues.
So yesterday , i post a picture on facebook (the enemy of us jealous girls) and she likes it. She’s not fb friends with him but of his friend who was in the picture. I think because i’m so sensitive and jealous-i make sure not to even bat an eye or like a picture of a guy who has a girlfreind (especially an ex, i would never do that!!)
is it unreasonable for me to be jealous? i don’t want my husband to come home and to have a fight, but i have al ot of hurt, anger, jealousy that i am dealing iwth. I know it’s such not a big deal, but i’m so annoyed. why would she like the picture of her ex? like especially one that is married. i eman i posted the pic, i hvae the same last name of him and both of our profile pics are of us on our wedding day two months ago . i just still cant get over the fact he didnt tell her that he was married.
Post # 3
@doubtingdebbieah: I think you’re blowing this WAY out of proportion. Remember, it takes two to cheat.
Post # 4
I “like” photos of my exes. I don’t know why that is weird to you. I’m guessing she knows he is married too, its usually on limited access on people’s facebooks. What are you mad about? that he has exes? That she was being friendly?
Post # 5
honestly, not to be mean, but I had an ex boyfriend who acted like you are acting, which is why he is my ex…. he always created drama and fought constantly about his jealously issues, he eventually became really controlling and I was sick of walking on eggshells to avoid fights.
Post # 6
@fiver: that is exactly why i am seeing a therapist and getting feedback. i never want to act that way to my husband who is amazing. we all have our pasts, and unfortunately mine made me this way. I am working on it daily. Thanks foryour response though.
Post # 8
@fiver: i was mostly mad that he didn’t tell her that he’s married. like he didn’t add that into the conversation, which i think is pretty important to tell an ex who is contacting you.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@doubtingdebbieah: You won. You got the ring. You even live in a different city. He didn’t try to hide it from you. Stop letting this woman get a rise out of you. You’re causing damage to your own relationship by acting this way about the situation. It only teaches him to keep secrets from you.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA
@doubtingdebbieah: haha at least he told you:)
I get that friend (Jealousy) ALOT! lol. My FI’s ex went and tried to add me on FB (my profile pic was of me and him) (i declined) and then she went on my Pinterest and liked EVERYTHING no lie, EVERYTHING! Like seriously, do you think you’re going to get to me?
Well then she tried to add me AGAIN on FB, so I accepted…. and then purposly posted a pic of me and MY FI with the countdown on it saying how we had to go through the wrong relationships to get to the right ones;) lol. I hate that jealousy can get us like it does…
I ended up deleting her off and blocking her; because i dont like the person it made me. lol. I love my FI and i never want to make it look like i brag about him to get to her. lol
I understand the jealoust part IM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
But dont be mad at him. lol. he came home and told you… he prolly didnt think it mattered to say “with my wife” because he dont plan on meeting her or talking to her.
Post # 11
I get your pain. I too am jealous….some of it stemming from a past relationship where I was cheated on many times. Some of it because of the fear of how women can be…you know the whole ‘liking’ pictures and not respecting boundries.
I know why you are upset, and yes, it does make sense to me that he should have told her that he was married. What more would they have talked about? Was he afraid that she would ask about you? Has she moved on? Is she married? I guess I don’t get it so maybe this is a question better for a therapist (I have been to therapy myself MANY times over the woman who introduced is, who happens to have been one of Mr VBs great friends…luckily they are not as close as they used to be but still bothers me).
Here’s some of my advice to you:
1-Get the heck of facebook. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but honestly, I cannot handle the drama/fears that of jealousy that comes with other women talking to my man and being in their life. The last two people I’ve been with (the guy before Mr VB was a fling but still) Mr VB included-are NOT on facebook, so that helps a lot.
2-I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the subject and the best thing I’ve read is that complaining about the other woman is voting for the other woman. Basically, you bring her up, you are mentioning to your husband that you feel like she is better than you and your husband might start to believe it! Don’t do that. Much better to struggle with your thoughts and come across as a secure woman who will leave her husband if he cheats, than a jealous woman who feels that she is not good enough for a man to be faithful to her. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It does get easier. I used to have fights over jealousy and other women every single day, no joke. Therapy, books and the hive have helped me to work through it.
Post # 12
@doubtingdebbieah: As someone who struggles with this on a daily basis, I feel for you, I truly do, but you cannot do this. It is great he told you… She likely knows he’s married to you via the grapevine or what have you and as my FI has told me when I have gotten upset over stupid FB likes “you can’t control what other people do”.
If you want to PM to talk, feel free. 🙂
Post # 13
I think your husband is a bit between a rock and a hard place.
If he mentioned he was married, it would have opened him up to further conversation with her. Instead he simply responded that he didn’t live in that city anymore without providing any color or details. He essentially shutdown any further conversation in the most polite way he could. Was there a response he could have had that wouldn’t engage her and also make you happy?
I also don’t think she’s trying to hit on your husband. Perhaps she’s just being nostalgic. I get like that sometimes when I think or people who used to be a big part of my life who aren’t anymore. Reaching out like this isn’t an invite to cheat, it’s just a little, “Hey! I was thinking about you!” Plus it was a picture posted by you that she liked.
I seriously think she’s just being friendly and I absolutely believe your husband was trying to be respectful of your marriage with his response.
Post # 14
@gigglebox: ohhhh dearrrr if i was in your situation i don’t know what i would have done. I would just struggle and analyze and not understand why (in yoru case) she added you. I think you handled it well. I know you’re right, he also said that like no point in saying my wife because he never planned to visit. it still hurt i totally get it and know its irrational i just was soo bothered by it.
Post # 15
I know you said you are already seeing a therapist, but I suggest you make a conscious decision to not let this woman or your husband’s past relationship with her, push your buttons.
Green is not an attractive color on many people, and, as a pp stated, jealous behavior could become a problem between you and your DH. He ended his relationship with her, he chose you, he married you- enough said.
Post # 16
I think you need to tell your therapist about this conversation. Your reaction is WAY over the top. Your husband’s ex no doubt already knows that he has remarried or at a minimum was in a serious relationship; they’ve not been in contact for a year and since she didn’t know his new city, they weren’t going to be crossing paths anyway; and people can and do stay in contact with their ex’es. It is natural that if someone was a big part of your life for many years, if you find yourself in their town, you want to get together and catch up. It doesn’t mean you are jumping in bed together. And really there’s no reason he has to go out of his way to mention his wife in every conversation.
If this woman had designs on getting her man back, or if he had designs on getting her back, they would have been in touch way more recently.
Keep with your therapy but in the mean time, make it a point to hold all commentary on your husband’s ex to yourself. You do not want to get into the habit of turning every innocent contact into a big deal. It is demoralizing and frustrating to a man (or to a woman!) to feel like their partner does not trust them.