Post # 1
okay so this is a vent more than anything. I love my in laws, I really do and I don’t blame them as much as I do my husband but sometimes I feel like he always puts there wants and needs over mine. We already have issues because I feel we spend a lot more time with his family than mine. Today, he’s just really pissed me off. Am I overreacting??
We were supposed to spend the afternoon/early evening with his family. He mows there grass on Sunday and we plaNned to visit my parents and stay for dinner with them. Well, we get to his moms and she starts asking what we want for dinner. He looks at me like “can we stay” and I just give him a look. He knew that I wouldn’t tell her we weren’t staying and he knew he could make me stay and not give two thoughts about my family. He even promised my mom that would mow her grass today (which she says he will still do after dinner, well see about that….). To make things worse, he was helping me fold laundry (we were doing a load at her house because our dryer is broke) and his mom asked if he could drive her to the store (to get dinner, its raining and she just didn’t want to drive). He stopped helping me and got up to leave. He could tell I was upset, so he asked if I wanted to ride (he wouldn’t have otherwise) and when I said no he just left (leaving me sitting here with only his great uncle who lives with them and I barely know). The thing is my husband doesn’t understand why this upsets me. He act like its not big deal. he thinks its acceptable and gets mad when I confront him. He says all I have to do is say we have to leave but he knows I won’t stand up in front of his mom and he won’t take the initiative. I feel like these running me over and I’m sick of him putting my family on the back burner to his.
How can I approach this??
Post # 3
Is there a specific reason you can’t say anything in front of his mother? Can’t you just say something like “thank you so much for the offer, but we already have plans for dinner” and leave it at that?
Post # 4
Sure, he should speak up too if you already have plans, but why on earth can’t you answer for yourself? “Thanks, but we already promised to have dinner with my mom,” is totally appropriate. By not saying anything, you’re giving your husband the message that blowing off your parents for his is okay with you.
Post # 5
I would have just said “Oh thanks so much but we have plans with my parents tonight! Maybe next Sunday though?”
I also recommend talking to your husnamd about putting you on the spot in front of his family (even if it is just a look) especially when he knew you already had plans with your family. He should respect that you need time with your family as much as he does with his own.
Another suggestion would be to have set days that you two go over to see his family and then your own family. Maybe you alternate Sunday dinner between sides. Your husband can still go over in the morning to cut his parents’ grass on their “off” Sunday but he needs to make it over to your parents’ house for dinner on those Sundays.
Post # 6
Maybe you should talk to the in law yourself Since hubby seems to be resistant to saying no to mom.
Post # 7
You are an adult. You have the power to open your mouth and say “sorry, MIL but we already have plans. Maybe next week.” Or you coul have said “we have plans at my mom’s but if you want, I’ll go there and you can stay here”.
I really don’t know what the big deal is or how he can “make” you do anything.
If you are uncomfortable with his uncle, then you should have just offered to take his Mom to the store. You need to speak up and stop blaming your DH. If you don’t learn to do this, you will continue to be unhappy.
Also, it is ‘their” not “there”. Not to be a jerk but it drives me crazy
Post # 8
@Brooklyn55: In this instance, it would have been completely acceptable for you to say that you already had prior plans. The thing with the laundry…meh, it’s laundry. I can understand his mom not wanting to drive in the rain, especially if she’s not an uberconfident driver.
For all other times, I think you and your husband should sit down and discuss expectations and mindsets when it comes to spending time with families and, more importantly, making each other you top priority. I don’t mean that he needs to suddenly cut off his family or anything, but as his wife, your needs should come first. Obviously, that’s a really simplistic statement, but it’s a good starting point.
Post # 9
I would have just politely told her we had other plans and perhaps next time.
Also, this is completely a husband issue. It doesn’t sound like he prioritizes you correctly.
Post # 10
I understand how it can be difficult or uncomfortable, but you are now related to his mother. You are going to have to become comfortable being honest or (slightly) confrontational with her. That is, you have to learn how to say “no” to or in front of her. Your husband is obviously taking advantage of the fact that you are uncomfortable doing so. He also is being incredibly rude by always putting you in this position by trying to get out of his obligations to your family. You guys need to have a talk about this again. You also need to work on speaking up, if he refuses to act on his word.
Post # 11
Sorry, OP, I’m with most of the other PP’s….I think it’s silly that you can’t just say, “Sorry, we already have plans tonight. But would love to do dinner another night.” I don’t understand why that would be hard to say or taken the wrong way by MIL.
However, I do think you should have a talk to your husband and really stress that when you have other plans set, it is not acceptable for him to blow them off. That would really bug me too. But, by you going along with the changed plans, it’s making it seem like it’s ok, so that needs to change.
Post # 12
@Westwood: We (both) have a long complicated relationship with his parents.. A few years back, he and his mother got into it and the relationship was VERY broken (as in we didnt talk to them for over a year) and I was kinda put in the middle of it. Things are good between us all now, but I just prefer to keep the peace. One thing that his mom used to get SUPER mad at me for was that we always did stuff with my family..which was true… during our pre-engagement days, we always were with my family and I wanted to work on making it even, it just seems that its switched.. but I guess I am afraid of upsetting his mom and her thinking we are always with them. I guess I need to just sit down and maybe talk to her to. The way she goes about it, is really kinda sly, and cornering to both of us… but shes usually reasonable so I guess I can try and talk to her. But I also feel my husband needs to stand up to (if we’ve already made a plan) and say “sorry we have plans”. If the roles were reversed, he knows I would be the one to tell my parents that.
Post # 13
@MadTownGirl: Yes I understand. We just have a very complicated relationship with them (we both do from some past problems) and sometimes I get nervous standing up to her because she takes things so personally and I don’t want things to ever go back to how bad they used to be. What bothers me most though, is the way my husband handles it.. Its almost like he gives me this look that his mom sees (so that she knows the decision is mine) so that if I say no, I get the full blame and look like the bad guy. He can’t help the way his mom is or how she reacts, but he shouldn’t expect me to always look like the bad guy. That is what annoys me. He always acts like/gives me looks like he would really want to stay, even making comments “its up to the misses putting me in a weird spot.
Post # 14
@Brooklyn55: I understand where you’re coming from. I think that in a marriage each person deals with his/her family. It’s not really true that “we’re all family now”. well, he’s been her son his whole life, so it’s easier for him to say no to stuff
Post # 15
@Brooklyn55: well either keep the peace and don’t complain or say something (since your husband won’t), You can’t do both, regarding your MIL. You do, however, need to sort it out with your husband about priorities. You come first.
Post # 16
@bebero: thank you!! I’m glad someone else sees it this way. I love his parents but they will never be MY parents. I mean I’ve known them for 6 years but I’ve known mine for 24. And I would an ever expect him to stand up to mine. I always take the lead and “handle” my parents. I wish he would do the same.