Husband and in law problem…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is there a specific reason you can’t say anything in front of his mother? Can’t you just say something like “thank you so much for the offer, but we already have plans for dinner” and leave it at that?

Post # 4
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

@Westwood:  +1

Sure, he should speak up too if you already have plans, but why on earth can’t you answer for yourself?  “Thanks, but we already promised to have dinner with my mom,” is totally appropriate.  By not saying anything, you’re giving your husband the message that blowing off your parents for his is okay with you.

Post # 5
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Westwood:  +1

I would have just said “Oh thanks so much but we have plans with my parents tonight! Maybe next Sunday though?”

I also recommend talking to your husnamd about putting you on the spot in front of his family (even if it is just a look) especially when he knew you already had plans with your family. He should respect that you need time with your family as much as he does with his own.

Another suggestion would be to have set days that you two go over to see his family and then your own family. Maybe you alternate Sunday dinner between sides. Your husband can still go over in the morning to cut his parents’ grass on their “off” Sunday but he needs to make it over to your parents’ house for dinner on those Sundays.

Post # 6
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Maybe you should talk to the in law yourself Since hubby seems to be resistant to saying no to mom.

Post # 7
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You are an adult. You have the power to open your mouth and say “sorry, MIL but we already have plans. Maybe next week.” Or you coul have said “we have plans at my mom’s but if you want, I’ll go there and you can stay here”.

I really don’t know what the big deal is or how he can “make” you do anything.

If you are uncomfortable with his uncle, then you should have just offered to take his Mom to the store. You need to speak up and stop blaming your DH. If you don’t learn to do this, you will continue to be unhappy.

Also, it is ‘their” not “there”. Not to be a jerk but it drives me crazy

Post # 8
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Brooklyn55:  In this instance, it would have been completely acceptable for you to say that you already had prior plans. The thing with the laundry…meh, it’s laundry. I can understand his mom not wanting to drive in the rain, especially if she’s not an uberconfident driver. 

For all other times, I think you and your husband should sit down and discuss expectations and mindsets when it comes to spending time with families and, more importantly, making each other you top priority. I don’t mean that he needs to suddenly cut off his family or anything, but as his wife, your needs should come first. Obviously, that’s a really simplistic statement, but it’s a good starting point. 

Post # 9
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Westwood:  +1

I would have just politely told her we had other plans and perhaps next time.

Also, this is completely a husband issue.  It doesn’t sound like he prioritizes you correctly.

Post # 10
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I understand how it can be difficult or uncomfortable, but you are now related to his mother. You are going to have to become comfortable being honest or (slightly) confrontational with her. That is, you have to learn how to say “no” to or in front of her. Your husband is obviously taking advantage of the fact that you are uncomfortable doing so. He also is being incredibly rude by always putting you in this position by trying to get out of his obligations to your family. You guys need to have a talk about this again. You also need to work on speaking up, if he refuses to act on his word.

Post # 11
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sorry, OP, I’m with most of the other PP’s….I think it’s silly that you can’t just say, “Sorry, we already have plans tonight.  But would love to do dinner another night.”  I don’t understand why that would be hard to say or taken the wrong way by MIL.

However, I do think you should have a talk to your husband and really stress that when you have other plans set, it is not acceptable for him to blow them off.  That would really bug me too.  But, by you going along with the changed plans, it’s making it seem like it’s ok, so that needs to change.

 

Post # 14
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Brooklyn55:  I understand where you’re coming from. I think that in a marriage each person deals with his/her family. It’s not really true that “we’re all family now”. well, he’s been her son his whole life, so it’s easier for him to say no to stuff

Post # 15
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Brooklyn55:  well either keep the peace and don’t complain or say something (since your husband won’t), You can’t do both, regarding your MIL. You do, however, need to sort it out with your husband about priorities. You come first.

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