Husband doesn't want to try new things with me, because he has before?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Mrslovebug:  I think it depends on what it is you want to do and why he doesn’t want to do it.

For example – if you wanted to have a threesome, he’s done it, found it hurt his relationship last time, now he doesn’t want to do it again.

You want to be tied up/or tie him up – he tried it before, made him uncomfortable now he doesn’t want to – maybe you can work on why he was uncomfortable etc.

I would talk to him about the reasons and try and understand where he’s coming from and work from there.

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was VERY sexually adventurous before DH. There are some things that I’m up for doing again (like light bondage or anal), and there are some things I would do if DH REALLY wanted to (S&M stuff), and there are some things I would not be comfortable doing again (like having a threesome).

It’s just that I know I’m not going to enjoy the stuff in the middle category, but I would do it if DH wanted to, since it’s not outside of my comfort zone (like a threesome would be).

But if you want to try some new stuff and hes willing to do it, I say go for it! My DH had never had anal before me, didn’t really want to try it, but now LOVES it. (A man that ikes anal? Shocking, right!)

Post # 5
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Yes, this depends on how much you want these things, and how adventurous you want to be. I would not push for a threesome, since that can be a “line” for people in terms of trust. But if you want to be tied up, I’d push for that. 😉

Post # 7
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I get the idea of wanting to try new things…

Keeping things interesting in the Bedroom is important long term for a long & happy Marriage

BUT when it comes to sex, there is one basic rule that everyone should respect

“I will not pressure you to do things you are not comfortable with… I will accept that and move on / go forward”


It is a rule that us women want, so it has to be a rule we also respect for our men too.

He’s told you he’s not comfortable with something… so be it.

Ask him about something else.  Keep looking for new things.

There are books / websites that literally have lists of suggestions / ideas.

Become resourceful.

You can change sooo many things when you really think about it that are still fairly vanilla but interesting all the same…


Post # 8
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Mrslovebug:  There’s been stuff I tried in the past that I hated, i.e. anal. My husband had never tried it. He married me and will only have sex with me for life, so I’m the only one he can try it with. I gave it a shot. Thought maybe I’d like it this time. I didn’t, but I still did it. I also wouldn’t bring up past sex with my current man. 

I understand both sides – he knows he hates it and doesn’t want to do it again, but you don’t know that you hate it. There’s nothing worse than someone just doing it for you as you can totally tell that’s the case. I’d just forget it myself. I wouldn’t want to be actively compared to an ex. 

Post # 11
557 posts
Busy bee

@Mrslovebug:  I think it is very important to respect him. There are sexual things that I have done in my past that I have no interest in doing ever again, but I thought I really wanted to at the time. I think that it is mainly because the things I did are not things you do with your husband if you respect your relationship and I have no interest in being with anyone in addition to him(just my opinion and he feels the same). As far as getting kinky with tying up/role play/etc that just involves he and I, I’d be ok with if he wanted to.

Post # 12
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, I agree, it’s a matter of degrees. There’s a big difference between “I know, from experience, that this won’t get me off but if you’d enjoy it then I could give it a try” and “I know, from experience, that I really don’t like this and it will make me uncomfortable but if you really want to I’ll give it a try.” You could always just tell him that it’s something you’d really like to try, but you understand if he isn’t comfortable so you’ll just leave it up to him but he knows you’re interested if he ever comes around.

Post # 13
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@Mrslovebug:  I was more adventurous on some things before. I was with my ex from age 17 to 26. He was my first everything (and so was I, for him), so of course, when it came to sex we tried different things, enough for me to know now what I like and don’t like. Some of them, I don’t want to try again, ex.: anal sex, which I HATED and even though my FI has never tried it, I told him he would never know because there’s no way I’m doing this ever again. I’ve also had sex in public places with my ex and I do believe part of it was because we were young and also drunk ! The idea of being caught is a total turn off for me, so I doubt I will ever try it again. And there are also things I’m opposed to that I’ve never tried and don’t need to try in order to know I hate it and would be extremely uncomfortable about it, ex.: sperm in my face.

I agree with @This Time Round: when it comes to the only rule in sex which is : no pressure for anything. I would hate and resent my FI if he tried to convince me to try again something I know I hated and don’t feel comfortable doing. It would not be respectful to me. There’s so many ways to make sex fun, that it doesn’t have to involve something that one of us hates or feels uncomfortable doing. 

Post # 14
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry, but I think you’re kind of out of luck on this one.  The only thing I would really be upset about is the one he told you he would try with you when you were both 30 and then didn’t follow through with.  He should never had said that if he wasn’t serious, and I would feel hurt if my DH said he would, but then wouldn’t.

There are things a LOT of people want to try that they never get a chance to experience, and you know what?  They live happy lives without having done so.  I wouldn’t mind having had a threesome before we were married, (not interested in doing it as part of our marriage) and neither would DH, but I would want the third person to be a man, and he would want the third person to be a woman.  Neither of us is/was willing to bend on that issue.  So we move on.  It becomes a fantasy, and nothing more.

I would say odds are very slim that he would try something again and say, “You know what?  This is GREAT!”).  He could try it, and then resent you for making him do something he had expressed to you he didn’t like.  He could try it, and still hate it, but now you’ve decided you love it and want more….you may be better off not knowing at all.  Or you could try it, also not enjoy it, and he’d be left feeling like saying, “I told you so.”

I think your best option here is to just let it go.  According to you have a great relationship otherwise, including being happy with the sex as it is now.  Do you want to risk what you HAVE NOW for what you don’t have?  

Buy or download some porn related to the topic you are interested in, and/or use it as “alone time” material and leave it at that. 

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