(Closed) Husband dropped a bombshell on me…

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

Oh that’s a tough one. We admitted to each other that we had homosexual-curious thoughts as children and teenagers but that it had faded. When hormones are raging, you are confused until you know what you truly want at sexual maturity. I think it is natural and very-much a human thing. I personally would ask what you just asked the hive to him. You already have such a close personal relationship and the ability to discuss things of this matter. You will never truly know unless you ask. Make sure to tell him how you feel about it. I would do a lot of soul searching during this time as it may hit you all at once.

Post # 4
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That’s got to be really tough… you sound like you are a very open and giving lover and it’s hard not to be able to “satisfy” your partner. First of all – don’t freak out yet. Many people have fantasies that never come true. I sometimes fantasize about girls and I’ve had many conversations with FI about having a threesome. But we say lots of things during sexy talk that we agree (later, out of bed) may not ever happen. Telling you about these fantasies was a big step for him and he may not want anything more than your support / dirty talk.

Talk to him about this sometime when you’re not in the bedroom. Explain your worries and fears. I’m sure he loves you and would never do anything that would hurt you.

Like you said – I’m sure there are things you could do in bed to mimic or role play. Would you ever consider opening up your relationship so he could explore his bi-curiosity? If I were in your place – I’m not sure how I would feel about that but I know there are couples who have successful, open relationships with agreed-upon boundaries. But – he may not ever really want that! Some fantasies are better left as fantasies and he may be perfectly happy to leave it at that.

Post # 5
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

First of all, I think it’s really awesome that he was able to confide this in you and that you’re coming to grips with it and your question is how can you help him deal with those fantasies and will they someday harm their relationship rather than feeling betrayed.  I think that is a good omen for dealing with any issues that might crop up in the future, if he feels like this is something he wants to explore further.

There’s a big difference between having fantasies and feeling like his attraction to men or desire to be a woman are overwhelming needs that need to be fulfilled for him to feel satisfied as a person.  It’s possible they’ll go from fantasies to inherent needs over time, but since it sounds like you two already have a line of communication and level of openness about this sort of thing, I’d take it at face value that he really just feels that these are fantasies.

I think you’re on the right track of trying to explore these between the two of you the best you can.  That may be all he wants or needs.  I don’t know how either of you would feel about having a threesome with another man, but that might be something to consider if you want to be able to give him more than you personally can provide of his desires.

But I think the bottom line is people have a whole range of sexual desires and sometimes when we commit to monogamy, we’re cutting some of those desires off.  There’s a part of me that feels weird committing to being with a guy the rest of my life when I don’t identify as straight, as well as other things that I won’t really get to do because my fiance is not into them (my friend invited us to a kink club and he said no, so no kink club for me).  I deal with those because my relationship means more to me than experiencing the full range of sexual possibilities.  Do we do our best to compromise and find the things that we can both be comfortable with?  Absolutely!

I feel like the bicurious and the gender issues are really, really different and while my personal experience is only with bisexuality, I think that there’s a big difference between being intrigued by the idea of being a woman and uncomfortable being a man.  If he does tend towards the latter over time, I think the best you can do is be supportive of him, but know that it is a hard thing to handle, especially if you are not attracted to other women.  Be open, patient and accepting, both with him and with yourself.

Post # 7
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think its great that he was able to come and tell you these things you are right that did take a lot of courage on his part. I think you two just need to sit down and have a talk tell him you will do everything you can to make him happy but your wondering how long that will be enough. You need to find out how strong these urges are. But aside from that I have no advice. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It is something we have discussed a lot, including in the future my gaining weight.

You are going to gain weight in the future to indulge his fantasies? Maybe I’m too narrow minded or maybe I watch too many medical shows but this is the only thing that sticks out to me from your post. It’s not even what you are focusing on. I have to comment, however, that you gaining weight (and how much weight???) is not healthy. We were watching a show about strange sex addictions and the woman’s goal is 600 pounds and immobility. Her being immobile really turns her fiance on. I had to really shake my head at this because this is life threatening for the woman. I’m sorry for digressing, but I hope you know the risks involved.

I’m sorry I can’t answer your true questions. This is something I would have discussed with someone before marrying them. I also don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway whatsoever. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around this, so I wish you luck.

Post # 9
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I had a previous co-worker who’s husband left her for a man and she was completely blindsided; so I can see where your concern would be.

This is def out of my element, but it sounds like he is comfotable being completely honest with you, so I really don’t think you have anything to fear. Because if it does come to the point where he decides this is no longer just a fantasy, but wants it to be a reality, it sounds like he would be open and tell you this vs. going behind your back.  

Post # 10
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m thinking of a lot of questions re: your post..

How much do you think his bicuriousity inclines him to be with men instead of women?  Is he in an environment where it might seem to be in his interest to keep those inclinations on the DL or would he have been free to explore them and has just found that while he feels that way a little he mostly identifies as a straight man?

Are his BBW fantasies strictly sexual or something that he fantasizes about doing outside of the bedroom for day-to-day life?  Would you be comfortable to be in a relationship with a transwoman? 

Would you be willing to gain weight and possibly compromise your health to please him sexually?

Post # 11
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

@Just_Squeeze:  I’m certain the OP knows that gaining weight isn’t the healthiest thing lol.  Weightgain and feederism are fetishes.  Some people simply gain weight on their own (sometimes with the emotional support of an “encourager”).  Others (feedees) gain weight with the help of a feeder.  The feeder can be their significant other, or someone who simply admires them.  The feeder may physically feed the feedee, and/or prepare the feedee’s food, and/or purchase the feedee’s food.  In the case of long-distance feederism relationships, the feeder may simply send money to the feedee, so the feedee can buy food.  

The woman I believe you’re talking about is Donna Simpson.  I think her goal is 1,000 pounds, and her boyfriend/feeder has since left her.  She is known as Treasure Bombshell in the BBW/FA/feederism/weightgain community.  She is also a known attention whore, so even many of her fellow gainers cannot stand her and think she’s a messed-up individual.  However, she still makes good business as a webmodel with Big Bombshells (and thinks too highly of herself because of it).  Donna really is not the best representative of the BBW and feederism communities (for better examples, see girls who actually make themselves look presentable…pros like Kellie Kay (gainer/feederism), Juicy Jacqulyn (sort-of gainer?  Not entirely sure what Jackie is up to these days…not the nicest person), Plump Princess (BBW, not a gainer), SSBBW Roommates Violet and Ivy (gainers, feederism), or semi-pros like Amatrix Fetisha (SSBBW, feederism, gaining)).  

 

I am a BBW, my guy is an FA.  We just sort of dabble in feederism (not serious about it, not really looking for me to gain weight).  I’m active in the BBW/FA community, and my best friend is a fairly popular feederism fetish webmodel.  If anyone has any questions about this end of things, feel free to PM me.  

Post # 12
Member
46132 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the key here is that fantasies are not reality. We all are entitled to have all the fantasies we want. Our partners have the choice to participate or not, to the extent that they are comfortable. They have no obligation to go past their comfort line.

Having fantasies is a healthy thing. It does not mean there are any deep down psychological issues.

Post # 14
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think its wonderful he told you, and great at how well you’re taking it! It’s a big thing to be able to talk about. I think (since you seem willing to indulge him) take things slowly and find out exactly what he wants and see if you can help him achieve it. Many people have fantasies about things they’d never actually do, so his actual wants might be quite tame.

 

Best of luck to both of you 🙂

Post # 15
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@julies1949: I completely agree.

I will say this – I’ve dealt with the FI in the past being so open that I wasn’t sure how to process it.  Just know that fantasy and reality are two different things. Just because it turns someone on doesnt mean they can live day to day and be comfortable with actually doing it.  Some people just like to talk about what they think is something they will never be able to do themselves (i.e. he will never be able to be a woman, or have the control that a woman may mentally/sexually have over a man), but the idea of talking about it is enough to suffice during role play.  This does not mean he is gay… We are brought up in a world of judgements and negativity – so much so that it’s hard for people to actually be comfortable enough to admit their fantasies – whatever they may be. 

Kudos to you two for being so close and honest.  I would continue talks with him and be very honest on how your emotional well being is as well as your sexual desires to hear or even know of this particular turn on.  PM me if you need some support or feel like talking more. 

Post # 16
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@NomdePlume: I want to tell you that I applaud you for your stances all around. Kudos to you for being a wonderful spouse. 

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