(Closed) Husband found out I cheated on him seven years ago…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am confused…what did you do that was so disgusting? You were sexually assaulted….how is that your fault? Its not…

Post # 6
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m a bit confused too– you either slept with him by choice, or you were assualted and you are NOT TO BLAME. Nor feel guilty about anything in that case…. it was hurtful and personal. Understandable why you wouldn’t tell anyone, but a doctor. 

If you were assualted you should change the title of your post…you didnt cheat on him, you were raped. BIG difference. 

Post # 7
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I wish I had some good advice but I’ll leave that to the wiser Bees. Just wanted to give you some hugs and support.

Post # 8
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Sunny_B:  What struck me is at the beginning of your post you said you two are trying to strengthen your faith.  I’m not sure what your faith is, but maybe it can help you two through this time of truth being revealed, forgiveness and trust restoration.   I am sorry you were sexually violated.  But you lied about it to your friend online, and that’s what your husband read, plus he also found out about another lie involved with sleeping with someone else. So I can understand how he is struggling trusting you about the truth of the sexual violation (which, again, I’m sorry that happened). But the biggest issue is the lying.  Healthy relationships can’t have lies.  Maybe it’s a good thing in the long run that these lies were exposed so that you two can rebuild your marriage and friendship on a foundation of forgiveness and new trust.  Fixing your relationship with your husband should be priority 1 over conceiving right now.  You want to have a good, stable marriage before bringing a child into it.  I sincerely, whole-heartedly hope you two will be able to work things out.  If forgiveness was only ever given to those who deserved it, then no one would ever be forgiven for anything. So I hope you can humbly go to him and ask for his forgiveness and ask for the opportunity to rebuild trust. 

Post # 9
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

You need to sit him down and tell him how ashamed you are.  You may have said it before but you need to make sure that he absolutely understands how upset you are about the situation that it happened and that you were so ashamed to even tell what it really was to anyone.

Lots of women and men are so ashamed when that happens that they don’t want to tell anyone the truth. Maybe even look online for other people who this has happened to or explain to the friend as well what really happened.  I know it will be tough but you did not cheat, you were raped and that is NOT your fault!

I really hope this gets all sorted out. *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Your story is very confusing.  The title of your post is about cheating but you were actually sexually assaulted?  You were sexually assaulted but you were a different person then?  He found out you did something despicable?  I’m lost about all of that but the point seems to be that you lied and he found out. 

It sounds like you all need some counseling.  You need to come to terms with why you lied and/or withheld information from him and he needs to work through the fact that you did this.  It will be an uncomfortable journey but it sounds like it will be worthwhile.  I would suggest you go ahead and start individual counseling and then discuss the possibility of couples counseling with him.  He also need’s individual counseling.   

Post # 13
Member
9062 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m not 100% on this.

If you were sexually assaulted (Raped?), why didn’t you go to any sort of authority figure? Why didn’t you go to the hospital? Why didn’t you tell anyone?  Because you were embarassed you were drugged? Something seems fishy here, but I’m not quite sure.

I understand your husband’s resentment. You’ve been together for 13 years and were assaulted 7 years ago. Saying “It happened before we were married” isn’t really a good reasoning — you were still violated and (I assume) sexual intercourse happened?

Have you ever been checked for STDs? If not, do it, assuming intercourse happened while you were under the influence.

I would be exceptionally upset if my husband was in your situation. If he had come to me and said, “I was drugged and assaulted/raped/violated” I wouldn’t have been angry at him. But I’d be angry if he turned around and said, “Something happened but I didn’t want to tell you.”

I suggest couples therapy for both of you ASAP. Your husband needs to figure out of this is something he can overcome, regain his trust in you, and move on.

You need to figure out if this will happen again (The lying and decit, not the sexual assault or rape) and work on any communications problems you may have.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 15
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I don’t think it’s fair to assume how someone will act after being raped. Plenty of rapes go unreported due to shame. To the OP, I’m sure your husband is trying to process everything right now. I think you just have to be completely honest with him and hope that soon he will be able to believe you. I would definitely recommend the two of you meeting with someone trained to deal with rape victims and their SOs.

Post # 16
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Sunny_B:  The first step is to forgive yourself and a good counselor can help you do that.  You can’t change him but you can learn to deal with his feeling and gain his trust again.  These things happaned before you were married and one of them truly wasn’t your fault whether you were flirting or not.  It sounds like you have something worth fighting for.  Good luck to you.  🙂

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