Husband gets snappy when I ask for help

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Do you offer to help him with his chores, or help him if he asks for help? If you don’t he probably feels that he shouldn’t have to help you if you don’t help him. Otherwise, talk to him about how it is making you feel, and your concerns regarding having a child together, and ask him why he reacts the way he does. How is he supposed to know you want him to offer to help unless you tell him?

Post # 5
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@snowfox:  well definitely offer more, maybe he will reciprocate? But the best advice I can offer is to talk to him, he is your husband, you should be able to talk to him.

Post # 6
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

Out of curiousity, do you work or are you a SAHW?

Post # 7
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Was he like this before you got married or was this a sudden change? 

Post # 8
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@snowfox:  Do you expect him to drop what he is doing to help you right that second? Ask yourself honestly are you nagging him at all about it?

I think having assigned tasks is a really good system. Maybe it is time to relook at the division of tasks and change things up a bit. Make making the bed an us task rather than a you task. Add emptying the vaccum bag when asked as one of his tasks. Just make sure the divsion of labour is fair.

Post # 9
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

talk to him.  tell him how you feel.  explain calmly that sometimes you would just like some extra help.

don’t make him feel defensive. 

good luck!

Post # 10
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@snowfox:  I’ve been married for 11 months and have had a similar problem. We have the chores divided up but DH does his chores on his own timeline… As in the dishes will sit in the dishdrainer for a week and a half. Lol. Eventually he will do his jobs but the timeline definitely is irksome to me. Your sitch seems a little diff bc you are needing some help with your tasks. Here’s how I’d approach it, first make sure the division of jobs is fair. Then when you need help I’d just ask him in a way that appeals to him like ” hey babe! I know this isn’t your job but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now and if you could help me it would make my heart so happy” This gives him the opportunity to be the hero rather than looking at it as ‘ugh this isn’t my job and I’m annoyed’ also if he’s resistive try asking him for help later like “hey later on today would you help me empty the vacuum? I would so appreciate your help if you can” I think these things can be a lot about how you frame them and how they sound to the other person. Also, it might not be able the chores, you might try asking, in a calm moment, not when he’s grumpy about it, why he seems to get grumpy when you ask him for some help? Maybe he’s feeling some kind if way about it but isn’t expressing it. I know for me DH is feeling anxiety about us TTC to he’s regreseed a little to his kid years, ie avoiding chores. I try to take it with a grain of salt and remember that these are not terrible problems to have. 

In terms of having kids, he would most likely be fine once the kids arrive. I wouldn’t worry too much about it but you could have a convo about it know how involved you’re both ready to be and plan for the house chores that don’t get done- like maybe having the house cleaner more often.

Post # 11
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Not to be contrary, but why do you need help putting sheets on a bed or emptying a vacuum cleaner bag?  We have a king sized bed and a queen sized guest bed.  When I change the sheets, I do it by myself.  Maybe he’s annoyed because you’re asking him to help you finish chores that you’ve started, at a time when you’re set on doing chores and he might be doing something else.  Just a thought.

As far as having children, it’s not really fair to assume that he won’t help.  As PPs have suggested, tell him how you feel.

Post # 12
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I suggest sitting down with him, make a list of every chores and how much time per week does each chores takes.

Then add your chores times, add his, compare, could be an eye opener for one of you guys, maybe even the both of you, and make you realize that either one of you has more on it’s plate than the other and it isn’t fair, so the other should help more, or you both do your fair share and you should try to make your chores by yourself.

Post # 13
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009


This sounds almost exactly like my hubby! Right down to the part about him being very handy around the house, going to work faithfully, etc. The similarities almost made me LOL. 

We’ve been married over 4 years now, & honestly it’s taken awhile to get to where he is MUCH better about helping. It sounds like the difference between our hubby’s is that mine will definately do the dishes no problem, because he doesn’t want us to get roaches (gross! Me either!) so a lot of times he’ll beat me to that, but the rest of it… Yeah.. I would ask, he’d say he would do it later, I expected later to mean an hour. Then I’d bring it up again & there would be the whole “I said I’d do it” argument, which usually spiraled downward. We even had the same discussion about having a baby & the work that would follow! 

Fast forward to now. We just had our son in October. It was a unexpectedly hard delivery (EMCS), & a very painful recovery. I don’t know if that has contributed any at all, but he is waaaay more helpful than I expected now. And he does it far less grudgingly (ALTHOUGH from time to time it still occurs). I can pretty much ask him to do something once now & he’ll do it. Usually within the hour! It’s really nice. That being said, I’m still anticipating arguments about the yard needing mowed once summer gets here, but I’ll deal with that later lol. 

I believe things will get better for you. You’re both still so new at the marriage thing. Give it time. 

Im not trying to be all up in your business, but are you trying to have a baby this soon?


Post # 14
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@snowfox:  If he does his chores without issue, why do you need help with yours? Not to be rude, but I can manage to put sheets on my bed without assistance. I wouldn’t empty a vaccum bag because its gross but I can’t imagine it being laborous. 

I’d leave it alone and try to do things on my own.. You can’t expect someone to drop everything to help you do a task that can be done on your own.

Post # 15
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsLongcoatPeacoat:  I agree with this. What you’ve mentioned are things that would annoy me too. You vacuum and can’t empty the bag or put the sheets on yourself? That might explain his irritation.


Post # 16
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree with you, that bothers me too. There is a difference between demanding and asking for help. I think its ok to ask for help with this. If I am in the middle of a task and I need help I will ask for it. Its not like you’re sitting around and pointing at things for him to do. Its a team effort, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. If he doesnt want to help he can say so politely without the attitude. My FI took about 2 years before he would stop with the sighs and eyerollings when I would ask politely for him to help, but he still does it on occassion.

I was actually mad about this last night when I asked for help and he rolled his eyes at me and lectured me on time management when I asked him to help me peel potatos for dinner. We both left for work at the same time in the morning and came home at the same time, but aparently I didnt manage my time well enough and i interupted his tv watching. He says his job was is much more stressful than mine and thus doesnt have to lift a finger after work. He got up and helped peel two potatos that I asked fot help with but you would think I was asking to help with an hour worth of chores. IMO I think its because some guys feel like they are being babied or treated like a child when you ask tfor help, rather than let them do it on their own. Marriage isnt about always being even every second of the day, its not about “I did this so you need to do this”, its about caring for one another and helping each other out. It shouldnt be so hard to want to help each other despite what your day entails.

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