Post # 1
I love my husband, so so much. We’ve had “the baby talk” before, and I told him before we got married that this is a deal breaker issue for me – I have always known that one day I want to be a mom. He has a very difficult relationship with his own mother, who openly talks about how she didn’t want children, especially not two (he’s the youngest – ouch), so I understand why he would have reservations. Still, I made it clear to him that I am marrying both the love of my life and the father of my children. It breaks my heart that any time “the baby talk” comes up, he doesn’t want to talk about it, dream about it, think about it! We’re only 25/26, married for less than a year, and we’re not planning on TTC now, but I still wish he would show a little excitement. Both of our dad’s wanted to be dads. I guess that’s just what I want from him. This is when the terrible thoughts start to go through my head. What if he finally does get excited and then we have trouble concieving? What if he tells me he can’t be a dad and we break up (!), and I’m 35 and it’s risky (but not impossible) to have children?! …
Ugh. Just needed to vent. Anyone else out there dealing with the same issue?
Post # 2
I just had an oopsie baby and my SO had cold feet up until the day my LO was born. I wish I could even begin to explain to you how awful my SO was about the whole situation. (Maybe some december 2013 mommas will pop in and vouch for me.) He said if he was a girl he would have been miserable. He didn’t want to plan or shop or even put together a damn dresser for me. I dragged all 250 lbs of it up the stairs at 7 months pregnant (don’t do that it hurts your back). <br /><br />Anyway super long ass story short, in the end he loves his baby SOOO much. He is great with him and he worries about him all the time. He loves being a father. Now he doesnt change diapers or any of that mess. But he is great now. Men just don’t understand…<br /><br />But anyway just know that this whole baby thing isn’t FOR a lot of men, but in the end they will all love their children. THEY will love that gorgeous little baby. And THEY will cause you to worry the whole time!!
Post # 3
harperlynn: “Now he doesnt change diapers or any of that mess.”<br /><br />
oh man, that would worry me if I were an expectant parent and would enrage me if I were a parent. Why doesn’t your SO change diapers?
OP…he’s still quite young…baby talk is not real or relevant in his mind right now…give him a few years, his peers will be doing it and there will be a shift in your entire social circle that will likely have him considering it more. So long as he isn’t dead set against having children in the near future, I would try not to worry so much!
Post # 4
turnanewleaf: lol, he just doesn’t. He changed one when I was dealthy ill with a 102 fever and it leaked EVERYWHERE. <br /><br />I am a SAHM with one baby though so it doesn’t bug me.<br /><br />
I think thats why it doesn’t bother me though I had very very LOW expectations so that every little thing he does for him suprises me and makes me happy.
Post # 5
If you look at my profile and read the threads from the beginning of when I started this account, you will see that I found myself in a very similar situation with my husband. Only I was 30 and we had been together for 10 years, married for 3, and he suddenly decided he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids.
This was and always had been a deal breaker for me. We went to marriage counceling. We put off the original TTC timeline by about 9 months until we sorted out our feelings, his reservations, and we finally got to a place in our relationship where we felt comfortable bringing another life into the world. It was a very difficult time in our marriage, but we came out stronger.
Now we have a beautiful, wonderful, 6 month old son and DH is a wonderful father. I have to admit, the first 3 months were hard on DH (not on me because I had reasonable expectations and knew that his original fears would be hightened because of the stress that a newborn brings). Now that DS has started interacting, smiling, and playing, DH can’t get enough of him. I know their bond will only get stronger as time goes on.
As for baby #2, that’s still “wait and see.”
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Give him time and don’t get caught up in the “what if” game; you should focus on solidifying your marriage instead of worrying about hypothetical scenarios. Relax and enjoy your marriage, love and be loved; your husband will be ready when the time comes.
Post # 8
july142013: don’t force it on him or try to change his mind. Having a child is a huge responsibility. Let him want on his own terms.
Post # 9
july142013: Becoming a parent is an awesome and overwhelming experience. My husband is 35 and I’m 30 and we’re having our first this July. He’s happy but I know he is scared shitless, as am I. It’s a lot to consider and its an incredible responsibility that upends your entire life in mostly good ways but sometimes annoying and exhausting ways as well. Even when we were talking about kids it was a “yeah we want this but what about XXX….” Having fears and hang-ups and anxiety and even mixed emotions about a potential child is very very normal, especially if your husband has a parent who pretty much said she didn’t really want him. He’s afraid of repeating that.
Since you aren’t even TTC yet, I would not worry so much or even at all about his lack of excitement. I would also tell you to ENJOY the time you have now just the two of you. My husband and I had 6 years together and one year of marriage where we traveled and partied and got our careers and finances in order…and just enjoyed one another. Its a very fleeting time so make sure you don’t focus too much on “BABYBABYBABY”. You married your husband for him and not because he can give you a baby, so make sure you are putting him and your continued relationship as a priority too, not just future plans for a child.
Post # 10
july142013: Does he actually say things like “I don’t think I want kids” or is he just not wanting to get in big discussions about it? I find with my DH that he really doesn’t like to ‘get his hopes set on things’ that may or may not happen. He doesn’t want to start planning and dreaming and thinking about it, because we have no control over when and if it will happen, so he doesn’t want to get his heart set on something like that. Does that make sense? I struggled with that a bit too right away, but now that we’re actually TTC, he does make comments about our future kids and things like that.
I agree with the PP’s – as long as he isn’t actually saying that he doesn’t want kids, just ease off him a bit – guys aren’t always the type to dream about their futures like some of us women do, and that’s ok…
Post # 11
july142013: I think it’s normal at 25 to not have baby on the brain, especially for men. I dobt know many men who even had marriage on the brain at that age! I’m sure he will come around when the time is right. I didn’t get excited about kids until I got pregnant. Even then, it was mixed emotions until my DD was born.
Post # 12
july142013: As long as he wants children some day, I’d just back off the baby talk for awhile (especially since you aren’t even ready to try soon). I think it’s pretty normal for men not to want to talk about babies much, especially if they aren’t ready yet – it can make them feel pressured or like you want to be pregnant right now. My DH and I are only 3 months out from TTC, and we don’t even talk about babies much – DH just isn’t into getting all nostalgic about our as-of-yet non-existent children. Have the big talks that you need to have (confirming that he actually does want kids, talking about when, how many, that kind of stuff), but otherwise, I’d just back off on the baby talk for awhile – let HIM bring it up when he’s ready.
Post # 13
harperlynn: Not every situation turns out like yours did. My cousin just had an oops baby. Her son’s father was horrible about the pregnancy and he’s now horrible about their son. Im glad your situation was not that way, but as far as advice goes, I wouldn’t be so quick to say that once this guy has an actual baby his feelings will change. Assuming he even really does have a problemwith it, it may just be that he’s not anywhere near ready and doesn’t want to discuss TTC or babies yet.
OP, I think you should just talk to him and make sure that Children are something he wants in the future. Im a mom and I want another baby but I don’t sit and dream about it, talk about it, etc. I just know that it’s what I want and Im content leaving it at that. My lack of excitement over any TTC that I may do in the future doesn’t mean that I won’t be excited then when the time comes, it just means it’s not on my radar right now. I think you are getting worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Beyond confirming that your husband does want kids in the future with you, that’s all you should be concerned with right now.
Post # 14
july142013: I honestly wouldn’t worry too much about it. I think fantasizing about having a child tends to be more of a woman’s thing (not to say some men don’t do it). My DH was very similar around 25/26 when I first brough it up. He would just say, “I don’t really want to talk about it” or “we will decide when we get there.”
We will be waiting a few more years, but the other day I asked him, “when do you want to start having kids?” I genuinely expected him to give the same typical response, but instead he said, “Well, any time after we have been in our house for a year would be fine.” My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I won’t be ready in a year, but I am excited he seems more ready. He is almost 28 and is starting to look at things differently than he did just a few years ago. He even said he didn’t want to be “an old dad,” so he wants to have kids before he is 34. Haha, ok, I don’t think that’s old, but he does.
Not sure if this is helpful, but just wanted to let you know that guys can change their perspective within just a few years. I would say give him some time and space and when you want to start TTCing, you can re-visit the conversation.
harperlynn: Not trying to be rude, but does your SO realize that part of being a father is caring for the needs of the child? Which includes changing diapers and doing the messy stuff? I understand he works and you stay at home, but raising a child takes more than one person and should be a parternship. It took both of you to create the child, so shouldn’t both of your share in the responsibilities of raising him?