Post # 1
Ladies, I’m gonna vent to you because I really don’t want to start a fight with my husband today.
DH just bought the new Playstation 4. He was so excited because he was the first one at our local GameStop to preorder it. Shouldn’t we wait? I asked. There won’t be very many games out for it yet and we could use the extra money for holiday shopping. No, he really wanted to be the first of all of our friends to get it. He also pre-ordered a $60 game that he was kinda “meh” about, but since there are only a few out he didn’t have very many options. He said that even though there aren’t many ps4 games yet, we can download games from the playstation store thing online. Okay, whatever. I put it aside and just acted excited for him to get his new toy.
He got it last night and already this morning he’s disappointed. Apparently the ability to download the old games might not be ready for at least a few months. So he’s spent all this money on a game system he’s barely going to use. He didn’t get any good deals on it. It cost the same as it would a few months from now. The difference is that right now we aren’t going to have much money for Christmas but in a few months we would have had our tax return and things wouldn’t be so tight.
I feel like it would be bitchy to say “I told you so” especially when he’s already disappointed. I feel like he’s already getting defensive about it even though I’ve literally said nothing but positive things. I treated myself to a nice breakfast this morning and I’m sitting here trying to keep my smile. I’m irritated though. DH is claiming that I said we didn’t need to buy gifts for family this year. What I said was that we didn’t have to buy gifts for all of my nieces and nephews like we usually do if we couldn’t afford it but that I was planning on hitting some Black Friday sales so we could try to get them gifts. He’s also saying that if we can’t afford gifts it’s really because of the $90 my sister owes us from when we paid her phone bill for her. I agree if she could pay us back now it would be helpful… but he just spent a few hundred dollars on something he’s already disappointed in. Urgh!
So his plan is that we’re not going to buy gifts for any family members and we’re not going to buy things for the baby I’m currently incubating. He said that if I can think of a Christmas gift I really want he’ll get it for me, but that’s not going to help the problem. I don’t want him to spend a couple hundred on me, I want him to have not spent a couple hundred on himself. One of his points is that the money he’s spent is money from bonuses or doing extra IT work on the side for people. But I don’t really care where the money came from, we’re married and I feel that it should be used towards common goals. Last year he bought himself a giant expensive TV, again using the money from his bonuses.
Yes, he technically makes almost 3x as much as I do, but I work too dammit! I make my coffee at home in the mornings and I haven’t treated myself to a pedicure since we got married, but he buys himself a huge gift every year. It’s not like we’re poor. Our bills get paid and we have money to have fun still, but with the baby on the way things are so much tighter this year. I am truly content with what I have and I can’t think of any gifts I need or want but it would have touched my heart to be able to put the nursery together a bit and to buy special gifts for my family members. Ugh, I’m tearing up now.
Okay /vent over.
I need patience. I need grace. I need to breathe.
Any of those vibes you guys can send this way would help.
Post # 3
@swanks4tw: girl i feel you. my fiance’s birthday is tuesday and he is A HUGE gamer.
but get this. so i had to preorder the system in august to be able to get “first dibs”
he worked last night and HAD ME TO STAND ON LINE FOR IT. not once, not twice but THREE times.
i had to go at 6 to “pay the remainder”, then back at 10 to be “assigned a number” then at midnight to wait outside in 40 degree weather for a half hour to FINALLY pick up the system.
to THEN go home and realize they overcharged me by $100!
YAY FOR GUYS!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 4
@brooklyn_bee: Lmao, Yeah I went with him to stand in those lines too. It sucked! Especially the midnight one when it was freezing! If he had asked me to stand in them alone I would have laughed at him.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I struggle a lot with this too. My FI loves to buy himself expensive things. Sometimes they aren’t expensive, sometimes it’s just so many little things that it ADDS UP FAST.
I try hard to remember that he works hard for his money and he contributes to the household per an agreement we had made. So I can’t dictate what he does with his money. I’m not sure if 100% of your combined income is shared or not. Ours is not 100% combined, so he does have “his” money that he can do whatever he wants with. Do I wish he’d spend it on more practical things? Absolutely! Does it get me angry when he pisses (IMO…) money away on something for his car, or something for his gun? Oh my GOSH yes! Especially when I am working my butt off to pay down our debts so we can buy a house sooner. But I always have to remind myself, he is contirbuting based on our pre-arranged plan… He is doing what we agreed… I cannot boss him around. If he wants to waste his extra money on toys then that’s his prerogative. It is hard, and I still struggle with keeping my mouth shut and not showing frustration/disappointment.
Post # 6
@swanks4tw: i was like I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T COME HOME WITH FLOWERS ONCE A WEEK LORD HELP YOU.
Post # 7
FI wants to buy the new Xbox when it comes out, I am trying really hard to stop it! He needs a new car, and doesn’t even have time to play on it! I don’t even know the last time I saw him use the one he has! I told him by the time his schedule isn’t so crazy and he will have time to play games there will be another new one!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA
My DH was first to preorder the ps4 too!
Just this past weekend i talked him out of it to wait because NOBODY (his friends) have it, so he’ll have NOBODY to play with!
He went and got his $100 preorder money:) lol he isnt the least bit mad especially now hearing that the PS4 isnt all it’s cracked up to be 😉 bahahaha
I’m sorry though! It’s definatley one of them “I told you so” moments… but boys will be boys! My DH has done turned his focus to a 70″ Smart TV…. idk how in the world to talk him out of that one! LOL
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Definitely deep breaths for now. That said, maybe it would be helpful for the future to start thinking of these big purchases as shared decisions, rather than hig buying whatever he fancies and leaving you to figure out the rest of the budget. I know it can be hard to tell your spouse that a purchase decision is unwise, and even harder to flat out veto it. But if it’s not in line with jointly established budget priorities (e.g. preparing for your upcoming child raising experience!), then sometimes you just have to do it.
We have these issues at times. Mr. LK likes expensive things that he rarely uses. A “cheap” one of his things is $1k. Last year he was in a bit of a frenzy and was spending a lot on this hobby, and we had to have a teeny come to jesus talk. I sat him down with our accounts up on the screen and a print out of the financial goals we had agreed upon at the beginning of the year, and I pointed out to him how his expenditures were negatively impacting our account balance and our progress toward achieving our goals. That was all I needed to do. When I showed him in black and white (and with a very calm demeanor) what effect his purchases were having on us as a family, he voluntarily put the brakes on. he even volunteered to return some stuff, but we ultimately decided that he would keep everything and not spend another penny. It worked for us, and maybe it could work for you? Just a thought.
Post # 10
If he intended to make a big purchase, shouldn’t it have been discussed with you prior to? If this isn’t how things work with you guys, I would recommend to start having conversations before making big purchases. You can’t really be upset after the fact when you didn’t tell him your honest thoughts beforehand.
Post # 11
@swanks4tw: Not married yet, but planning a wedding, which is 6-months away. CUE spending freakout/budget inducing panic attacks from me. Especially since I am adding up wedding AND Christmas AND my FI’s birthday (which is next month)!
Pardon my SHOCK when FI explains me to me WHY he NEEDS to purchase a $1500 four wheeler asap. You know, so he can make extra money plowing, and you know, because it is a great steal, and he can eventually spruce it up and sell it for more 🙂
TECHNICALLY, it is HIS money, and well, he works his *ss off, and we are not swimming in any debt, and are comfortable. But, money IS flying out of our pockets right now too!!
In the end, I sucked up my fears, and was supportive of his – in my opinion – dumb purchase. I just told him that this purchase will never be used against me, the holidays or our wedding 🙂 I.e., I am not cutting corners in those areas because he spent this money now. He agreed, and said we would be fine.
For YOU, I think your irritation is completely valid. There is nothing you can do about him spending the money NOW, but no ONE – including yourself should suffer because of it. He has to agree to those terms, instead of ‘cutting Christmas’ or whatever.
Post # 12
@LMD: Our income is 100% combined. If we split the bills, my income would barely cover my “half.” I feel guilty about this sometimes which makes it hard to say anything about the money. I know that he’s pulling my weight too financially, but I also take care of everything at home. Our situation is annoyingly 1950’s to my feminist sister, but I do all of the cleaning, 99% of the cooking, and most of the work taking care of our animals. I’m also going to have to be the one taking off work if our children are sick. I am trying to just let it go when he spends a lot of money on himself. I know he works very hard for his money and I don’t want him to feel like he can’t have the things he wants. He has never let us go hungry or not pay a bill. I just get irritated when I feel like I’m living such a tight budget and he’s got a different one for himself.
@brooklyn_bee: Yeah, he better suck up to you good 😉
Post # 13
I feel your pain!
My DH is a huge gamer. He pre-ordered the new Xbox One months ago, and all he’s been talking about is that he can’t wait until next Friday.
We just bought a house, so he’s been pulling a little overtime here and there to pay for the new Xbox, and also sold all of his 360 games and console so that the money he’s spending on this won’t come out of our budget for things we want to do around the house.
BTW, DH is also a computer programmer and game designer, and he says that the PS4 is already having issues/bugs that will need to be fixed in future updates. I’m sure your DH knows “you were right”, that’s probably why he’s so defensive.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
If he’s not thrilled with it and it’s in short supply sell it on craigslist. You should be able to get all your money back. Then re-buy later when money’s not so tight.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
@swanks4tw: Have you guys sat down and worked out your budget yet? Meaning, does he have a certain amount of “play money” (that’s what I call it, haha), and a certain amount that goes to savings, and then the required amount for bills? That has helped us a lot. Just because he pulls a majority of the financial weight doesn’t mean he should be able to spend a majority of the money without regard for your family situation.
EDIT for clarity: I’m sure you have a budget. What I really meant was have you guys sat down and figured out expenses together versus letting him control a bulk of the money without consulting you?
Post # 16
Money problems are the most common reason given for divorce. You need to talk to him about this. This can’t be something he does every year.
There is hope though. My SO used to spontaneously drop a ton of money on impulsive buys (like the time he came home with a snowmobile, facepalm). It took a lot of talking but he has finally become more frugal. Nowadays he would never buy a snowmobile without talking to me first (and he earns all the money! ) We’re not even married yet but he considers his money, our money.