Husband Is Lying To Me

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

It sounds like he might be developing a fantasy life because he is stressed or anxious about the changes in his life. I am sure he is excited and happy about the baby coming but it is a HUGE adjustment.

I would definitely talk to him about it. Let him know he left his facebook logged in and you saw what he was saying in the group. I would tell him that you are uncomfortable because he is lying to you about where he is and who he is with AND he is lying to them about his life.

I don’t think lying has any part in a healthy relationship, and I would confront it asap.

Post # 4
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@xxundercoverxx:  I think that I would have to address this with my DH. While on one hand, I would feel that if he’s not cheating and he’s being honest about his immediate home life (married, baby on the way, etc), what does it hurt to let him live out this “fantasy?”  I think the problem I would have is that it’s not just online and virtual, these are real people that he is interacting with in person. And why does he need to lie to you about spending time with them? Why can’t he just say that he’s going where he’s actually going? 

 

OP, it sounds like you trust your DH and I would just communicate with him honestly and openly about your concerns. I wouldn’t ignore this, especially if it’s causing you to question his happiness in his relationship with you. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

You addressed the exact thing I was thinking when reading this – maybe he feels, especially with a baby coming so soon, that he’s missed out on certain things in life and is trying to live that out? I don’t know necessarily that he’s ‘unhappy’ but trying to make sure that he’s not?

Honestly, I never really behaved like this or known anyone IRL to have done it. So, I can’t explain it.

I wouldn’t recommend confronting him, just yet. Perhaps go to a counselor (on your own) only in an attempt to learn about it, why he’s doing it, and how to best confront it.

Sorry if this isn’t helpful – hopefully some of the other bees can be more helpful.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think anybody can really say that their spouse would NEVER cheat. We never know what people are capable of behind our backs. As you have experienced, those that we love can be more than happy with living double lives. 

If you would rather not let your husband know you have been snooping, ask to join him on one of his outings with this group. Your husband’s response to that request should tell you a lot. It is good that he told that woman that he was happily married. If your husband wanted to have an affair with that person, he wouldn’t have bothered to say he was happily married or show your picture. 

It is very common for people to develop alter egos online. It is a way of escaping the trials of daily life. I wouldn’t be surprised if becoming a father scares your husband a little bit, since that will lead to a HUGE shift in priorties and time as a couple. Getting married and having kids are happy events, but they represent losses and changes as well. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t really have any advice. I just wanted to say I’m sorry that this is happening so close to the birth of your baby. It’s so strange that he’s acting like this…I would try to talk to someone like a PP said and see if maybe a counselor could guide you in the right direction on how to handle this.

Post # 8
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

First off, you didn’t do anything wrong. He was being a bit shady and you looked into the shadiness when the opportunity arose. I get the whole privacy thing but you all sound like an open honest couple and youre married. You can bring it up but he may be really embarrassed. I don’t think you should let it go on because even if it isn’t cheating or anything- he is still lying to you. He should be able to share every aspect truthfully with you. He may like having people look up to all the things he has “done” and envy places he has “been” but I would be hurt that he lied to me about it Not the lies to new friends.

Post # 10
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@xxundercoverxx:   Could you make an appt for couples counseling and confront him there?  It might go better with a neutral third party involved.  I am so sorry for what you have discovered.  I would guess his secret life will ultimately become a burden to him – getting it out in the open and over with will be a blessing.  Stay strong.  *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@xxundercoverxx:  I think you are a sweet and understanding wife. Your husband is a lucky man! I definitely don’t know how I would handle this.. But you definitely have to. I don’t really think it’s “shitty” of you, and you came upon it in an innocent way and went from there. Be honest about that, and ask him if he’s feeling like he’s missed out or anxious, whatever. Since you seem fine about the fact that he’s been going out and being social, maybe let him know that you’d still be okay with it if he was honest about who it was with. And that you think it’s okay that he has a life outside of being a husband and father, and encourage him meeting new friends. If he wants to exaggerate details of your lives to them, it’s whatever, but he definitely needs to be honest with YOU. 

It seems like it isn’t affecting him being a great husband, but you definitely don’t want things spinning out of control.

Post # 12
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@xxundercoverxx:  I agree you should talk to him.  Keep the conversation non-confrontational as you can and try to really listen to him.  Don’t accept any more lies but let him know you want to understand this.  He can’t lie to you.  He shouldn’t lie to strangers but maybe he has a good reason (at least in his own mind) for lying to them.  Maybe he wants to be in this group but also not let them too close to him.  But he can let you in on what’s going on.  If he wants to have secrets from the group, that is fine.  Having secrets from you, his wife, is not ok.  I hope he has an explanation that’s acceptable to you!  I agree this does not sound like anything close to cheating, but I can still understand why you’re concerned, I would be too.

Post # 13
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The thing that strikes me as strange about it (harmless, but strange) is that in involves real-life meetings! Usually an online persona is created around/for people you will never meet (or never expect to meet) in person.

The thing that bothers me about is that he’s lying to you.
I would take a guess and say in his realy life, he’s feeling a bit isolated (are you two the first out of your peers to have a baby?) and wants to make new friends. It’s just that the lying to you thing is a bit off.

I think if you do speak with him about it (don’t call it a confrontation – right now, this isn’t a major issue), you may want to suggest couple’s or individual conseling to find the root of the issue.

Because if he keeps this up after the baby arrives, I highly doubt you will be as OK with it as you are now.

Post # 14
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am sorry you’re having to deal with this, especially right now with the birth of your new baby right around the corner. Men do very strange things to deal with stress sometimes. Even if it’s good stress!

Please, for your own sake, your baby’s and also your husband’s sake, summon up the courage to bring this situation into the light. It’s really the kindest thing to do.

I agree wholeheartedly that it’s likely your husband is feeling like this has spiraled out of control and doesn’t know what to do. It sounds like he embellished his life to these people to try to make himself seem more interesting or something, liked them enough to decide to meet them, and therefore had to keep up the ruse. And now he has to lie to his wife to keep up the ruse. As bad as this is making you feel, I’d bet it’s making your husband feel just as bad.

I can understand feeling bad about “spying” on your husband, but if I were you I would not feel bad about it at all. You listened to your instincts. He left his facebook open. You were curious so you looked around. You were disturbed by what you found and didn’t know what to think. Isn’t it for the best that you found out? For all three of you?

If I had to guess, I doubt there was much thought put into all this on his part. I don’t know your husband, so I have no idea how best to approach him. All I can say is it’s probably better to be as understanding as you can be and listen more than talk.

Good luck to you and hugs.

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@xxundercoverxx:  

Your husband could certainly be worried about history repeating itself. One of the main reasons I am not having babies is the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom. I also noticed how unhappy and angry she was all the time because of being a mother.

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@xxundercoverxx:  That would be a HUGE HIPAA violation on her part if she did that, but I understand that it might happen. You could always tell him that you’re going to counseling and ask him to respect your privacy on why. For a while, I was going through something I wasn’t ready to share with my FI. I just asked him to respect my privacy and give me some time to come up with a way to tell him, when I was comfortable with it. And for about 2 weeks, I dealt with it myself before I was ready to speak to him about it.

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