Husband is too "helpful" (looong)

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

the first question i need to ask is, was he able to get it to validate?

if he did, maybe you did mistype something.  from a software development perscpetive, seeing the same code over and over again, sometimes I need a second pair of eyes to catch the mistake.

however, i completely understand where you are coming from.  it was something that you were doing and handling on your own.  it sounds like he overstepped a little.

 it also sounds like he was trying to be helpful, just in a controlling way.

has he always been like this?  or just since you have been married?

Post # 4
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsBeck:  Have you tried explaining to him that his helping techniques make you feel like he’s undermining your intellect and ability to conduct normal grownup activities? 

If I were you I wouldn’t just “appreciate that he’s a helpful guy”, as you said, because help should come when it’s needed. 

I don’t really know what else to say other than to actually sit down with him and calmly explain this to him. 

Post # 5
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MrsBeck:  Men…at their nuts and bolts, are problems solving get er done machines…if presented with a problem, its their nature to want to fix it…especially for people they care about.  The problem with this is its irritating as hell and just a little insulting, when you consider that as gallant as the gesture seems, the underlying tone seems to be some backhanded insult about you being unable to handle even the most menial task on your own.

Mr. 99 used to do this a lot, but what he would do, was bark some command at me about how to do something, where to put something, how to fold his stupid socks…I believe it all came to a head in the laundry room, I was folding a load of clothes and he happened to walk by, he casually looked at his pile of clothes and said,

“You’re doing that wrong, fold the shirts in half again and make sure my socks are entirely bundled up, I hate the loose ends hanging out in the drawer.”

Not please, no thanks for doing this, could you try?

Just a barked order in MY direction…and that was the end of that…

I picked up his clothes, threw them in the yard, turned on the sprinklers and locked him outside…when I finally let my waterlogged husband back in the house, I told him I don’t need to be told what to do…ever again.

Now….he at least prefaces a statement with, “I’m not telling you what to do, but you might have better luck if you….”

so to me, it’s progress.

Post # 8
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsBeck:  Hah yeah. FH gets like this too sometimes, and I keep hearing myself say “I GOT IT!” 😛 

Post # 10
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsBeck:  Sounds like your guy has a bit of a white night syndrome and you’re just a bit too capable for him. XD You didn’t do anything wrong. He has a bit of a condescending attitude towards you and your ability to accomplish (normal, everyday, andybody might encounter this) problems. He has to learn to relinquish control- especially when it has nothing to do with him.

 

A lot of guys do exhibit this behavior. “You’re putting oil in your car? let me look under the hood. You’re installing an update to your computer? Let me see the mouse. You’re putting togetehr ikea furniture? Hand me the screwdriver” Etc etc. This behavior is instilled into guys at a young age. Doesn’t make it right, and doesn’t stop it from being pushy and just a wee it misogynistic. Just keep doing what you’re doing. handle your business, ask for help when you need it, and call him out on his macho man act when he gets annoying.

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsBeck:  Sounds like an anal control freak. I couldn’t handle this personally. He needs a serious attitude adjustment if he feels he needs to be in control all the time and can’t trust anyone, including you to do things correctly. Getting angry at omething as little as you not getting something to automatically work the way he thinks it should is not normal or acceptable behavior.

Post # 12
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, do hunt down that episode, for real!  It addresses this very issue….  That men try to “help”, but this is not really what we need.  I always make my fiance review it when he forgets about this, since it demonstrates really well how to just acknowledge a woman’s feelings.

Post # 13
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsBeck:  ps- this actually happens to me all the time while I’m cooking. I’ve called him out enough times that he knows when he’s being a bit toolish. XD But he will always ALWAYS come into the kitchen and stire whatever is on the stove. I just look at him and go “you jsut couldn’t resist. Huh. I stired that two minutes ago, don’t mess with it” He looks hseepish, and leaves. It’s not a huge deal anymore, because I know he’s like a baby who has to put stuff in his mouth to understand a thing. It’s an inpulse. He can’t resist it. If he were doing it because he doesn’t think I can handle it or that I would forget (this is not the case), I would beat him out of the kitchen with my wooden spoon. On the other hand, if he dares to try to flip anything (especially when I’m grilling) I will bite his head off. You don’t turn another man or woman’s meat. You just don’t.

Post # 14
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This sort of over helpful “help” would do my head in. There’s a difference between offering assistance when it is needed and taking over and from what you describe, this was the latter. It doesn’t really come across as help either, more as a form of control.

I have to say I laughed at the idea of men being genetically programmed to help by fixing things though because clearly, my DH must have been at the back of the queue when this conditioning was being handed out. He’s chronically incapable of fixing things and the disasters that occur when he tries are hilarious. 

 

Post # 15
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“While I was doing this he asked why I was printing something and I told him they couldn’t verify my identity and that I was taking care of it. In response he asked to see my computer, asked what I did wrong, and told me to give him the sheet and he would fill it out. I explained it was easy and I could handle it.”

^Yeah, that would have made me angry too. My DH can do this a little bit sometimes, but he never phrases it so rudely, saying “what did you do wrong?” but he would probably say “can I see it?” because he would, of course, think that he could fix it faster than me, haha. Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t. He is a little bit competitive that way.
 
 

@Asia:  My DH is definitely a better cook than me, which I freely admit, but what I do know how to cook, I do well. However, on nights that I am cooking, he just CANNOT resist coming into the kitchen to check out the progress, ask me if I should adjust heat, ask me if I’m trying to burn something (he tends to slightly  undercook things, while I tend to slightly overcook them), or asking if I need help. To which I respond, “NO! Get out of the kitchen!” unless I want him to help chop veggies or something. I NEVER bother him in the kitchen unless he outright asks for my help.

Post # 16
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MsBlackberry:  I’m with you. I’d ask him to chop veggies or grate cheese (I sometimes do) but the thing I need chopped most is onion, and he seriously cannot handle it. XD I think I’m going to get him some onion goggles… but, yeah. You don’t just jump in while someone else is cooking (and we’re to the easy part instead of the prep work)

 

The best part is, Fi doesn’t really cook. Undecided He can make spaghetti (it’s his favorite dish so I taught him how) and maybe a couple of other things. So why he feels the need to show up and stir stuff is beyond me. Still, I take the oportunity to let him look at what I’m doing, and throw in a tiny bit of cooking lesson while he’s in there. He’s gotten to the point where he normally only shows up when he smells the food (when it’s done) or when he hears me getting out plates (when it’s done) That rest of the time he’s playing with his computer.

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