Post # 1
So sorry this is long, but I really need some advice. I have been with my husband for a total of three years. Married for 6months(10/14). I’m very alarmed because he has been lying to me repeatedly about financial things. About a year and a half ago my husband supposedly got hundreds of thousands of dollars stolen by identity theft from his business. The biggest lie was two days before our wedding. He confessed he didn’t have the $12,000 remainder to pay. And that he had know for a long long time that he hadn’t had the money. I didn’t even want the wedding to begin with I wanted to elope. He didn’t tell me the truth because he thought I would leave him. He would make up lies about how he’d be waiting for a check from so and so(he owns his own brokerage business). And then he would never get it and keep making excuses. No money was hardly coming in and I was busting my ass at work to try and make ends meet while he say on the couch depressed with no other job beside his business. His two aunts had to pay for our wedding. I spent the morning after my wedding opening all our envelopes w his two aunts and handing over all our money. We still owe the one aunt $1500. We were constantly late with our payment for our house. He did get a job about 6 months later doing sales that only netted him only about $1000 and he ended up quitting.. On top of that he has a bad habit of not opening his mail. Like ever. He didn’t realize he was behind on his car payment apparently and it got repossessed. I think he knew but was shoving the problem under the rug. He had even admitted this to me. Sometime later his car got repossessed again. At first he told me he thought it was stolen. We live in a nice town and it was parked in our driveway. For two weeks he said they were looking for his car. Then he said that the repossession place said it was in one of their lots. I think he made up it being stolen. Fast forward to now. He has lied about making our mortgage payments before. This has happened a couple times. We are leaving our 3 bedroom townhouse now to downsize to a one bedroom apt. He’s losing his investment of $10,000 and all money we have payed monthly(about $1,400). We both agreed we want a house and cannot afford this kind of payment right now. It is a mutual decision to leave. I checked his email yesterday and discovered that he had not made February and march’s payments. The people that own the place(we were kind of doing a rent to own situation), said he didn’t have to pay April and May(I knew this but he conveniently left out that he still has to pay February and March.) They need the february and march payments by the time we leave which is in about 2 1/2 weeks. We have to pay our deposit for the new place in a week. I don’t know where he’s gonna get the money. He has been saying he’s waiting on some money to clear for almost a month now. He promises he will have 2,500 in 3 days. But this isn’t enough to pay for both our new place and the money we owe. I haven’t confronted him yet about checking his email. I am so fed up I don’t know what to do. I feel like he is a pathological lier or something. He lies about the stupidest things on top of lying about money. I have been very financially responsible since we have been together. Raised my credit and paid off all my debts. He also now owes the IRS like $24,000 dollars pretty much right now. He said his 2011 taxes never got filed(I think this is due to him not paying attention and never opening his mail).If he can’t get his aunt to loan him the money I don’t know what will happen. He now is working at Jewel part time for minimum wage about 12-20 hours a week. He’s been there about two months. His checks have only been around $100. He had been blowing it on fast food and gas. Last week was the first time I demanded half of it to put away to save. I finally told him yesterday I am fed up and he needs a full time job. I don’t make a ton of money but I work full time. He has so much debt it’s astronomical. He owes money for a security system and also for a dental bill. On top of that he is being sued by someone for something business related. They have tried to serve him papers but he has been avoiding it. I have been asking him to face all these things but he just can’t seem to get his head above water. I can’t take any more lies and want to give him an ultimatum. If he lies again I am filling for divorce. Am I being unreasonable? Any advice? Please help me:(
Post # 2
teebee85: Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
julies1949: Exactly. It sounds like he hid this from you while you were dating and now that you’re married he is taking you down with him. I doubt this is something that can be fixed and honestly I see it as a breach of the contract of marriage. I’m sorry but I would divorce him ASAP before he has time to destroy my credit along with him. In the meantime, make sure he doesn’t have access to your accounts or Social Security number to open credit in your name. I would also pull a credit report just to make sure he hasn’t already and close any open accounts that are not yours or he has access to.
Post # 4
beachbride1216: When we were dating things. were different. His business was doing well and he had money and spent it frivolously.He also had another full time job that payed about $50,000 a year. He quit that because the business was doing so well. He had moved in with my roommate and I he had previously lived at home. Things went down hill when the money got stolen or so he says. I told him I don’t trust him anymore. I’m beside myself.
Post # 5
teebee85: Money comes and goes, but marriage is forever…. as long as you both fulfill your end of the bargain. He started your marriage in lies. As my mother used to say, a leopard doesn’t change its spots over night.
I totally get the “stand by your main” aspect. But I also know a story about a friend. Their dad was fiscally irresponsible to the point that povery was a serious issue. Mother was saddled with kids and dad was full of sob stories and smoke and mirrors. The road to financial ruin due to lying and irresponsibility is toxic and generally permanent. Get out now, before you lose your house, your car along with your marriage.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
teebee85: None of his issues magically appeared overnight, he has been dealing with many of them for quite a while and you’ve only been married for 6 months. I’m sorry but I don’t thnk he was completely honest with you about his finances and debts before getting married.
Post # 7
I couldn’t live like this never knowing what sort of financial disaster was around the corner.
So unless he is prepared to be 100% honest and upfront about what he owes and to whom so that you can get some sort of payment schedule worked out together then I’d be filing for divorce. Otherwise he’s going to take you down with him.
I know that hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think I’d have postponed the wedding at the point you discovered yourself $12,000 short too. He may have had help from his aunts but, as an adult, somewhere along the line he has to take responsibility for himself because he won’t always be able to rely on family to bail him out.
I’ve known a few people who operated their finances like a train wreck. I’m afraid to say that in all cases they invented utterly preposterous stories to explain away their circumstances so I very much doubt that your husband has had hundreds of thousands of dollars stolen from his business. More likely his business has simply failed to to his own mismanagement.
Post # 8
teebee85: I spent 10 thousand dollars divorcing a man like your husband. he kept his finances in the trunk of his car. cut your losses and get out of this situation.
Post # 9
When you are married you are held responsible for his fincincal mistakes, so these are things that directly affect you. I would highly suggest going to seeing a therapist who specializes in this area. maybe he just does not understand how drastically these things affect you and your lives together and needs a wake up call from someone besides you. The fact that his aunts bailed out your wedding makes me question if he thinks he can do whatever because someone will always fix it for him. If you don’t think that would help then I’m sorry to say I would 100% leave this man. He has no respect for you or himself or his family (owing money to family yikes?!).
Post # 10
Too many lies and too much irresponsibility for me. I don’t think I could look at him the same again.
Post # 11
My sister married a man who was like this… 10 years later she has divorced him. She found out about 60K in debt shortly after they married. He put their entire honeymoon on credit card without telling her!
Even when they recognised he had a huge money problem, he would secretly open new credit card accounts and splurge on fancy ass speakers for his car without even discussing it with her. And my sister broke her back and broke her heart trying to fix him and trying to make ends meet.
Try counselling if he is willing. Just so that you don’t leave any stone unturned or any word unspoken.
But you can’t build a future with a liar.
Post # 13
If he owes money to the IRS, be aware that they won’t hesitate to go after your assets, including your bank accounts & paycheck. ITA about checking your credit report to make sure he’s not opening accounts under your SSN.
There is no way you can or should trust this guy. He sounds deeply disturbed & lacking in basic moral character.
This is one time I wouldn’t advise wasting your time & money on therapy for you two as a couple. For you as an individual for support, yes.
Divorce is the only way you can take care of yourself in this situation. If you feel wobbly, sit down & write out a list of every lie he’s ever told you. Every one.
Post # 14
Honestly, I would run away as fast as I could. Anything that he is screwing up can affect you. Especially since he is being sued, that is super scary.
Post # 15
teebee85: Things weren’t different when you were dating. He just hid it better because you guys weren’t married.
If you want to stay with him (but full disclosure I would not hesitate to leave the love of my life if he were pulling the kind of stunts your husband is), you need therapy and your husband NEEDS financial counseling. But that requires money that you don’t have. You also can’t trust your husband with ANY financial matters, so you need to be in charge of all incoming and outgoing income. ALL the bills, all the checks, everything, you need to deal with. Is that something you want, or are able, to take on?
There are things that are more important than love… respect being one of them. Does it feel like your husband respects you? He doesn’t respect himself, you, or your relationship enough to shape up. Do you respect your husband? I sure wouldn’t if he were pulling this crap on me. But seriously, he is a liar, and is SERIOUSLY damaging your good name. Your quality of life and your financial stability is threatened by your husbands actions. Why stay?