Post # 1
Need some opinions/advice. I know everyone’s situation is different and theres three sides to the truth: Person a’s side, person b’s side, and the truth! This is obviously just my rendition. My husband has started to hangout with his friend more often then he wants to hangout with me. If I try to do the same things they do (play video games for ex.) he needs to go to bed “early”. Or he magically has work to do. If I try to hangout with both of them I’m ignored. This has been the case for a couple of months now. Just recently this past week he has stayed out all night three times. I’ve talked to him twice now saying that he needs to give me notice if he is going to sleep somewhere else because it worries me when I wake up in the middle of the night and have no idea where he is. He has said he’s understood but yet, he keeps doing it… How can I get him to want to hangout with me and stop staying out? He says he’s staying out because he needs his own space.
Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
barrelracer90912: aw that sucks, Hun. Not a fun thing to go through with your hubby. How long have you guys loved together? Have you been bickering at all? It sounds more like he is a bit disconnected to you and your life at home.
Any stressors at work? Is this a new friend? has he always been one who needs his space?
Seems kind of weird that he would start this all of a sudden. It sounds like you are making an effort by trying to do things that interest him or include his friend in activities – have you brought up how you feel at all?
Post # 3
It kind of sounds like you’re too available for him. It’s horrible that he doesn’t want to hang out with you, but he might feel that he can see you any time but he can’t see his friends as often. It’s probably just a phase though.
In the mean time, try hanging out with your own friends and making your own plans without him for a week or two. He gets space, you get to see your girlfriends, and he’ll probably realise that he misses hanging out with you. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder.
If you try this and it only encourages him though, it’s definitely time to sit down and have a chat – either just you guys or with a counsellor.
Post # 4
as your husband, this is unacceptable. Staying out at night might have been ok in boyfriend territory but he needs to respect you and your marriage and cut the crap and if I were you I wouldn’t be asking him to stop, I would be demanding change. He isn’t single and this is how single men behave. No matter the excuse, this is unacceptable and shouldn’t be dealt with.
he maybe wants more time with his friends so give it to him but set specific time lines, and he doesn’t need to extend that time without your approval and if he doesn’t like it he needs to put his big boy pants on and grow up.
Post # 5
There’s no way you can “get him” to stop staying out. You can talk sincerely with him & let him know how his behavior makes you feel, but you can’t make him change.
Is he open to counseling?
Post # 6
I agree, this is definitely unacceptable behavior from a husband (or even a live-in boyfriend IMO). I think if it’s a special occasion and you two have agreed upon the terms, then it might be okay, but really, this is little boy behavior and your husband is supposed to be a grown ass man.
Post # 7
barrelracer90912: Staying out all night and not telling you that he’s not coming home or where he is? I’m sorry, but I would flip my shit. I wouldn’t have even accepted that behavior out of a boyfriend that I didn’t live with, let alone a husband.
I understand that different people have different needs as far as alone time or friend time. It’s completely understandable that he wants to hang out with his friends a couple times a week, but he should not be staying out all night on a regular basis. I could see if every now and then he has a few too many drinks at a friend’s house and is too drunk to drive home, but not multiple days a week. It seems like he may be dealing with something that he is trying to work out himself, have you tried counseling? He may need some counseling on his own as well.
In the meantime, don’t wait up for him, go hang out with your friends, as PP said, maybe he feels like you’re too available and you’re always around to hang out with if/when he wants to.
Post # 8
I think everyone is entitled to their space, privacy and personal friendships but that’s down right unacceptable. I went into this post with an open mind but there’s no coming back from that.
Post # 9
barrelracer90912: um this is not acceptable. He has a home of his own, he has a wife at home, he needs to come home every night. Thats one issue that needs to be corrected asap.
the other issue is staying out all night not just once, twice but three times? Thays excessive. I am all for having a social life but I think there should be an agreement on how many times a week you will haang out with friends.
Post # 10
barrelracer90912: Gosh I don’t want to be the only one thinking wrong in this post… But do you think that maybe he isn’t staying out with friends?? Have you seen any other changes besides the ones you have seen already? I know this sounds horrible and I pray for the best but all of this sounds soooo fishy to me. Sit him down and talk to him. Try seeking professional help. What he is doing is completely unacceptable. Good luck!! I will pray for a positive outcome!
Post # 11
Its very uncommon behavior for him to stay out like that. The situation used to be flipped. I didn’t go out with friends but I would go to my room and just hangout for the evening. We have two little kids and by the time he got home I was exhausted. I didn’t realize that it would hurt our relationship. He wanted to hang out with me more back then but to be honest, I was depressed and really just wanted to be by myself. I know he said last night that he just doesn’t even want to come home and deal with everything here. I know his job is very stressful and for the most part I try to understand if he needs to go out with friends. He kept going out late and hanging out with this friend and then he’d be too tired to come home. But what was weird to me is that he said he wasn’t staying at said friends apartment he was finding random parking lots to sleep in. I’m all for having “me” time. Trust me, I think I invented it! But seriously, I’m totally understanding I just feel like something is definitely off. We have talked about seeing a counselor and we’ve picked out a specific one a month or so ago. We are still trying to figure out insurance information so we can move forward in that regard. I really appreciate everyone’s opinions! This is definitely a great forum to get widespread thoughts and opinions! I’m very thankful each and everyone of you took the time out of your day to post!
Post # 12
It seems pretty clear that he’s unhappy at home and would rather be elsewhere. Why else would a grown man, with a wife and children, stay out all night without so much as a quick text to let his family know..
I would’ve kicked him out the first time it happened, you guys have children. What if they wake up and ask where he is? Do you just lie? Or tell them the truth that you have absolutely no idea where your husband is.. How has this happened THREE times?!
Post # 13
barrelracer90912: The fact that you have children make this even more unnacceptable. If this were my husband, he would have been exentsively questioned at the first time he didnt come home and would have involved a lengthy discussion as to why its not okay. Im all for having alone time, but you should be able to manage to come home at night ESPECIALLY if you have children. That is ridiculous.
Post # 14
barrelracer90912: I think you two would benefit from counseling. He’s clearly stressed by things at home (chores, kids, etc) and is probably hurt from when you didn’t want to spend time with him.
I think counseling could help you both manage your stress better and make it so that you both like being home.
Post # 15
“I know he said last night that he just doesn’t even want to come home and deal with everything here.”
What is the “everything here?” This sounds less like he is a man-child (as pp suggested) and more like there are sone other serious problems going on. This sounds like a symptom of a marriage that is almost over.
Did you want to post the full story?