Post # 1
Please bear with me. My husband and I found out I was preganant a few weeks ago. We are finally closing on our first house so the timing is good. We both have children 10 & 11 years old from previous relationships. It was a hard decision to have another child. I was a single mom for a long time and prior to that was in a very abusive relationship where every boundry I had was violated. When I met my husband I knew right away he was a very nice guy but overtime it seems to be backfiring in our marriage. I feel that he is overly concerned about everyone around him and that I will often get the short end of the stick so he can please a friend, family memeber etc. I’ve also seen a bit of selfishness in his behavior. He has always been tight financially and even though I make far less, I pick up the slack. This has all worn on me a bit over time. He pays out a lot in child support but the mother doesnt manage the money and is always asking him to pick up the tab for every little thing. I love his son and have purchased him clothing in the past. My husband has never gone as far as purchasing my son a pair of socks which makes me feel a bit alone. We split every bill in half and latley I feel like a roomate and not a wife. He never bought me a wedding band due to finances and it sometimes makes me feel crummy. I dont like to keep a tally but latley I just dont feel special and even a bit taken advantage of. A date would go a long way.
Ill try to get to the point. I took him out to dinner last week as a sort of pregnancy celebration and before we left I asked him if he had still not told anyone like we had dicsussed. He looked me in the eye and said he hadnt. I’ve had miscarriages in the past so we agreed we would not tell people until after my 1st OB at 10 weeks. I was really excited to do a big announcement, esp. to my son and to his family because I dont have much of a relationship with mine. I was telling him all the ideas I had for announcements.
Fast forward I go to his parents house to pick up my son and his step sister says (right in front of my son) “congrats on the baby, when do you fing out the gender?” I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I was stunned, at first I thought she said congrats on the house. This is probably one of the furthest peopple on our list of people to tell. I asked her how she knew and that no one was supposed to know yet. I was floored to find out that my husband had been lying to me. I feel like a special moment that was supposed to be between my husband and I was taken from me and I’ll never get it back. I wouldnt even have the oppurtunity to tell my own son.
My biggest issue is that he diregarded what we talked about and decided to do things on his own terms. Even worse he thought he could just cover it up and have people pretend they were suprised. I personally feel that it was not out of excitment but slefishness and it just doesnt sit right with me. He just felt he had to. I’ve had a rocky past with my family and have had a lot of moments that were supposed to be special, taken from me as they are very dysfunctional (My mother is a drunk and very selfish). I have never really had a special moment that was about me and up until now it has been hard for me to be the center of any kind of attention, he knows all of this. I though I was actually doing well with healing bc Im so uncomfotable with attention. It was a big deal to me that I wanted to have a party and do an announcement.
The more I thought about it the more I notice my husband tells lies to cover things or not rock the boat. Ive never felt more betrayed, I havent really been able to stop crying since.
We all have our flaws but I know what lying does in a marriage. I feel like all the wind just went out of my sails. Im not feeling excited about the house or even the baby anymore because I feel like I’ll just end up on my own again. I am extremely worried about where our marriage is headed and dont want to bring a child into it. I had a tough road raising my son by myself and I’m hesitant that this is the right choice anymore when the marriage clearly needs work. I am very honest and have told him that I dont have it in my anymore to deal with the pleading and begging for forgiveness cylce.
This is probably the ickiest feeling Ive ever had and I just need somewhere to turn
Post # 2
beatrixkiddo11 : ok girl, it sucks that he lied. But, he lied about telling his family that you are pregnant. That he is having a child. It’s kind of understandable, even if not okay, that he wanted to share that. It’s not unfixable, not like being abusive.
He sounds like a pleaser who lies to get out of white washing things. That’s not okay, but it’s not the end of the world either. If he is inclined, he can address this.
you also might want to address being hyper vigilant after being abused. Please don’t think I’m saying it’s okay that he did this, but You sound like you’re putting a lot of your past experience onto this relationship and catastrophizing.
He needs to realize that you and LO are his family now and he needs to keep your confidence. This isn’t exactly unheard of learning lesson for lots of people, women and men.
Take a deep breath and when you get some distance, you might see things a little differently. I’m sorry he betrayed your trust, I am sure that hurts.
Post # 3
BalletParker : I think your being thrown off by the topic. What the OP’s husband did was icky. They had agreed on a plan of action. If her husband did not want to follow the plan, he should have told her up front. Likewise, if he changed course later on, he should have informed his wife. Instead, he lied to the OP and then covered it up with more lies. She was then surprised, caught off guard and betrayed.
Yes, of course, this particular set of circumstances deals with a very happy occurrence, but the OP’s husband’s actions suck in relation to how he treats her. This man isn’t too nice, he’s a liar. Why couldn’t he have just been up front and said, i can’t keep it in, I want to sing it from the rooftops that you’re pregnant?” Because that may have left to confrontation and discussion and the real dealings of people in a relationship. Very icky!
Post # 4
I can understand if he spoke because he was so excited but since it was too soon to say anything and your unfortunate history of miscarriages, he needed to keep his mouth shut.
As for the lies, that is a huge issue that needs to be discussed. In one sitting just say how you wanted that moment to be special for everyone especially when you haven’t been feeling special lately. You wanted something for the 2 of you for the time being and that when the time was right, everyone could know.
Post # 5
Your husband sounds like a complete ass and I have a few concerns:
- His current child takes priority over your son
- He lied to you
- He treats you like he does
- Why don’t you share finances? When my FI and I moved in together, everything became joint finances. I couldn’t imagine “splitting everything down the line.” You guys are a team, not roommates.
Idk what to say, bee. Don’t let him push you around, which it sounds like you do. Did your son know about the baby yet? Because I’d be pissed if your SIL was how he found out
Post # 6
Oh my, there are red flags all over this post. I think him telling the family about your pregnancy might be the least of your worries.
Post # 7
styjen : I was responding to her this is the “most betrayed” ever, when she was in an abusive relationship before, and obviously that betrayed her more than her current partner lying about telling his family they were pregnant.
Once a person has been through that, it’s easy to see/be triggered in actions from the next partner that hurt. Sometimes hearing that it might not be the end of the world – there’s hope – is helpful.
course he sounds selfish and a bit jerky re the wedding ring and money. But she chose to get pregnant knowing those things, so it seemed like instead of that being the issue, she’s having one of those moments where it all snowballed.
I repeatedly said it’s not okay that he lied- could well be the end. That’s another possibility for sure.
But her other post on here raves about her husband and how great he is and has a good job and he is so empathetic.
Post # 8
I have no advice on him lying about the announcement. I do have 2 questions though, do you share finances and does your son live with you?
Post # 9
He sounds passive aggressive, says one thing then turns around and does another behind your back. Have you discussed this latest lie with him? You’ll have to take action to make him understand that his behavior has to change i.e. there has to be consequences when he does stuff like this or he won’t change. I’d recommend counseling and a good book on boundaries like https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243149/
Post # 10
From your description, it doesn’t sound like he respects you or sees you as an equal. Splitting all the bills, lying to you, being stingy in general. Not even getting you a wedding band? That should be a joint decision. It’s one thing to both willfully keep separate finances, but this sounds different.
His behavior in this situation is suspicious to me and not desirable in a life partner, and I don’t blame you for being concerned. I’d definitely take a step back and look at your whole relationship. Maybe this isn’t a big deal, or maybe it is a sign of something you do not want. Perhaps a counselor would help.
Post # 11
Yeah, this pregnancy announcement thing is the elast of your worries.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
MrsCoffeeSnob : Agree with everything she said. There are a lot of issues to unpack here.