Husband Never Helps Around The House

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

@misskida:  My advice is, if you can afford it, have a cleaning lady come in once a week to do the major cleaning.  Then you just have to do a daily tidying up, which isn’t too bad. 

If you can’t afford a cleaning lady, then dividing the chores between the two of you is probably your best option.  Here are some blog posts that talk about that.

 

Post # 4
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

+1 to hiring a cleaning lady

My DH and I used to fight about housework ALL THE TIME.  We recently sat down and finally divied up the chore list.  We had a calm, mature conversation about it.  No fighting.  We agreed that it was fair and even, and we also agreed we could kindly remind one another of their obligation without it being interpreted as nagging.

If you agree to sit down and talk about chores together, then also agree not to turn it into a fight.  Don’t spring the talk on him.  First, agree that you will have the conversation.  Second, agree when to have the conversation.  Third, agree on how to split up the chores.  Fourth, agree that it’s fair and agree to do it!  Then hold each other to it.  You can’t fight about it if you both agree not to.

Post # 5
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

 Why are men so  lazy?!  So  we  should go to work,  cook, clean,  and take care of kids while they just go to work  and sit on their  butts?! FI  got so drunk on NYE  and puked all down the toilet  and seat… most people would think that’s gross  and clean it.  He’s used the toilet every day since and hasn’t thought to clean it. I  even reminded him about 4 times  until I  had to clean up his nasty  mess  today. I  do his laundry with mine but if he ever does laundry… he makes sure just to do his own. I  mop the floor… as soon as he comes home he makes sure to make snowy footprints  on my dark floors.  I’m with you,  sister.  It’s  always a fight… except I’m the one whose pissed and he couldn’t care bc  either way,  he’s not  going to get off his lazy butt to do anything.  Yeah,   you could hire a maid,  but why should you have to?

Post # 6
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@misskida:  FI had a very different standard of living when I first moved in, and I just couldn’t take it. Both of us work full time, and until last week i was also a full time student. We sat down and made him a chore list.

At first I got push back, but now he’s realizing that it takes maybe an hour a week and its not a huge deal. And I’m happier which makes our relationship better. He’s seeign the upside and gets positive reinforcement, so that really helps.

Post # 7
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

@MissHarleyBlue:  Wow, those things absolutely would not fly with me. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but why would you stay with a man like that? To me that would signal an inability to be a mature, responsible adult or to take my feelings into account.

Post # 8
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@misskida:  How about  asking him to sit down with you for a calm talk about chores and a fair division of labor. You could each write down what needs to get done, how often it needs to get done and then work on splitting the list fairly. 

Tell him you don’t want to be his Mom but that you also don’t want to resent him. You also need to be fair meaning if you are the type that needs the rug vacuumed every day or every dish to be washed the minute you’re done eating, you may need to relax your standards. 

Post # 9
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@misskida:  I think you need to sit down and have a talk without any specific chore needing to be done ASAP.  Talk about how he would want to split the chores, and compare that to how they are being split now.  Ask what he would like you to do if his chores aren’t getting done.  Giving him ownership should help ward against him starting fights, which is absolutely a defence mechanism to keep him from having to help out.

Post # 10
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I also need help on this ! With you sisters!! The only thing I got him doing without it going into pissed off mode was his own laundry. I used to do his /mine and the other laundry ( along with everything else in the house, except garbage, but I find I end up doing it half the time ). Then I stopped and thought ” why the f*%$ am I doing his laundry ? He’s a big boy.” So I just left it and he does it now ( just his own , but that works for me I guess ). He leaves it til he has no clothes though !  He also cooks because I end up doing everything , but now I feel that i’m doing half of that now too. What to do :l ….. He will get the urge to help me with things I always do once in a while ,but that’s only 2 times out of each year ! And when he finally deos it he huffs and puffs . I say ” fun eh ? “

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would make a chore chart honestly. Decide who does what on what days. If you both work equally and need help then this needs to happen because you aren’t going to be up for a lot of this when you have a baby to care for as well. Make the chore chart as fair as possible and both of you give input about what works best for you.

Post # 12
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

IMO, most men do not help around the house because their Mamas raised them that way. I made it clear to FH that since we both work full-time, that household maintainence is not solely my responsibility. Now truth be told, I despise cleaning. Oh I will clean up after cooking and scoop the litter boxes and do my own laundry, but that is about all I do in the cleaning department. To be fair to FH, he works at least twice as many hours as I do so I do cut him some slack. But at least he loads the dishwasher, runs the vacuum (like once a week) and does his own laundry, He even sopops litter boxes every now and then! For the rest – an once a week visit from the cleaning person (why does said person have to be a lady?) makes everything tolerable.

He needs to understand that household upkeep in NOT the sole responsibility of the wife. Like others have suggested, a calm discussion about how to fairly divide up the chores is in order.

Post # 13
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

@Sassyfras27:  I agree.

My FI is the least bit lazy. He works full time, 1/2 of the time from home.  He gets things done though.  He cooks dinner, does the dishes, laundry (start to finish and that’s bringing them up to everyone’s rooms and putting them away).

I came to work the day after xmas, he was home. I came home from work and the tree and decorations were down and packed away before I got home from work. The next day, he had organized our bedroom, dressers and closets.  

I do my share of cleaning when I am home too. I scrub floors and the bathrooms, vaccuum, clean the kids rooms (as FI does too!).   We share work.  If we see something that needs to be done, we’ll do it. We don’t rely on the other person to do it. The garbage over flows, I see it, I’ll take it outside to the garbage bin.  If I see the dishwasher needs emptied, I empty it. Vice versa. It takes 2 to run a home. With or without kids.  We (I) have 2 that live with us 50% of the time.

Post # 14
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I HATE WHEN THESE THREADS POP UP AND EVERYONE SUGGESTS JUST GETTING A CLEANING LADY. 

 

That is not the answer!  The answer is your husband is a grown ass man, it’s his household too, and whether he likes it or not, should be sharing in the cleaning and other stuff. 

 

This is a touchy subject for me, because DH and I both work full time and I willingly and happily do 90% of all of the household stuff all the time. But you can bet your ass when he noticed that something needs to be done (dishes in the sink that I haven’t gotten to yet, etc), he’d better do it. I think it is easy for men to take it for granted that they don’t have to do the majority of this stuff and then when they are expected to contribute, they get all bent out of shape. 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

+1 to @rickhurst35: My FI works full-time and is a part-time student.. for this reason, I take care of most of the day-to-day stuff like cooking meals. He works from home two days a week, so in his little moments of free time during the day, he cleans… the house is almost always spotless, but if it gets a little dirty, I gently ask him if he needs help. He does the same for me when I get behind on laundry. Marriage is about working together as a team!

Another thing to consider that I had to learn the hard way – I like things to be done right now whereas my FI will let the dirty dishes in the sink until tomorrow. I’ve had to learn to trust that he will clean it up before too long but that if I want him to help and do something, I have to let him set his own timeline (within reason).

Generally, I think people get away with what we let them get away with. If I nagged after my FI to do something and then ended up doing it myself anyway, what would his incentive be to actually change? Mature communication about chores is key – both people should have a say in how the chores are divided and it should be as equitable as possible. And a PP mentioned positive reinforcement – I ALWAYS say thank you when my FI does something, even if it is “his” chore. It really seems to help!

Post # 16
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds to me like he definitely needs to pitch in more, but I have one question – when you asked him to split the wood, how much time did he have to do it before it became an issue? I know that’s something that has always been a pet peeve of mine – being asked to do something, and expecting that it be done right away. I never mind helping out, but when I had plans for my day to go one way, and then someone else tells me it’s going another way, then I’m put on edge.

When you do need help with things, it might help to ask as soon as you can, and give him a longer timeline in which to finish the task. Say that he needs to get the wood split in the next week, for example. And then leave him alone until the week is over.

You definitely need to work out a better balance, though, if you’re both working full-time. You shouldn’t be doing it all. It’s one thing to ask a stay at home mom or wife to do more housework than her partner, because in that case, you’re both supporting the family, but in different ways. But if you’re working just as much as he is?! There’s no excuse.

When you do talk about splitting up chores, there are a couple of different ways that you can do it. You can each take responsibility for different chores, or you can take turns doing the same chores. FI and I mostly do different chores at home – I do dishes, dishes, dishes every day, but he does most of the vacuuming, dusting, litterbox cleaning, and we both do laundry when we have time.

This works for me because I always know when MY work needs to be done – there’s no balance of wondering if FI will get to it, or if he thinks it’s my turn, or losing track of who’s actually been doing more work. If there are dirty dishes, that’s my problem, and it’s very clear what I need to do. Whereas, when I’ve taken turns with people in the past, there’s a bigger chance of misunderstanding. My roommates in the past might have done the dishes three times without me noticing, and then gotten mad about how I don’t do dishes, for example.

Maybe between coming up with more solid expectations of what needs to be done around the house, and coming up with a little more wiggle room around time frame, you guys can figure it out? I hope so! Best of luck.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors