Husband not attracted (physically/sexually) to wife. What to do?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Frustrated_bee:  I’m so sorry you are going through this 🙁 I would be deeply hurt if my husband said that to me. Has this been an issue from the get go? Even immediately after the wedding? If so, his excuse about you gaining weight is bogus. In that case, I think it could be an issue he has had, but is embarassed and is putting the blame on you (which is wrong). Either way, even if it is because you gained weight, there were better ways he could have put it. I wouldn’t give up on him right away. If this has been an issue from the get go, I would see if he’d be willing to see a doctor or therapist. If it hasn’t been, id try talking to him and letting him know how you feel and see if he wants to work on things or what. Again I’m so sorry!

Post # 3
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

We can’t help our sexual attraction. It’s hard wired into us, and I know most of us claim to always be attracted to a person or our signifcant other no matter what, but the truth of the matter is that it isn’t always correct. Love and attraction are two different things. If my husband gained 200 pounds, I would still love him immensely. I’d still be with him, but I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to him anymore.<br /><br />That being said, this is fault of no one. Not you, not him. However, if I were in your shoes, I would diet and excercise more in order to make myself more sexually appealing to my husband. It makes him happier, and it would make me happier, healthier, and more within my normal BMI range (For clarification, I am 5’3″, and at my most I was 156 pounds. I am down to 145 today.) I personally am slimming myself down because I want to, because I know my husband wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me, and because I want to do it for my own health.<br /><br />You need to do some soul searching for yourself. Are you happy telling him to get out of your life because you don’t want to lose weight? Are you happy staying with him, with him potentially never regaining that sexual attraction? Would you be happier, would your marriage be stronger and would he be happier if you did? What if you did it together?<br /><br />I don’t think he is being immature, and I don’t think it’s a phase. Like I said, it’s hard wired into us into what gets our motors running and while it’s romantic to think you’ll always be sexually attracted to your SO, reality and science dictates otherwise almost 100% of the time.

<br />If it were me, I’d work on losing weight. But that’s just me.

Post # 4
Member
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe since he isn’t “happy with himself physically” you could both try to be more active and eat healthier together. That way you’re bonding through a common goal and getting closer to one another on your journey to a healthier, more confident you!

Post # 5
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Frustrated_bee:  I am not sure- its not a drastic amount of weight (not enough that it should effect his ability to function) I agree with Hyperventilate, if it was me, I would try and lose weight but do you think you can forgive him afterwards?

Post # 6
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle

 

Frustrated_bee:  Please dont resent him. My Fi and i are the same and it took a while for him to admit the bigger i got the less “physically” attractive i became.. It is a superficial thing and if you put t in the extreme if your husband got really fat would you find him “physically” attractive?!..

My FI’s extra fears are that once we are pregnant and i put on baby weight will i be able to loose it on top of the extra kilos i have gained?!.. It hurts it really does but they are being honest.

I feel better the more weight i loose and feel more sexy for him and more healthy for the children we are TTC.. i think pregnancy and childbirth will be easyer for me if i slimdown first and then i will have less “baby weight” after..

 

Good luck, take it as constructive criticism from someone who loves you for you (and wouldnt have married you otherwise) He cares about you otherwise he wouldnt try, he would leave but he doesnt want to!.. he wants you! and would likea little more sexy you?!.. Dont change yourself completely but i think trying to please him will make things allot easyer. (my mum was big and he is afriad ill end up like her! im trying not to..)

Post # 7
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

nycsa:  I don’t see what he needs to be forgiven for. He’s done nothing wrong except maybe being clumsy with words. Everyone has different things they find attractive and the OP’s husband is being honest with her. It hurts to hear, of course, but it’s honest. 

Post # 8
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Frustrated_bee:  just a quick question that may seem a bit out there; does he by chance watch a lot of porn? I know this can turn into a debilitating habit/addiction whereby a man cannot have an intimate relationship with a normal, long term partner. 

Post # 9
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I put on weight after DH and I got together and he did admit at one point that he wasn’t thrilled. He was NEVER mean about it, still seemed attracted to me and was very supportive because he knew I was dealing with a medical condition that made losing/keeping weight off tough but it’s not like it was a shock to me If I was honest with myself. I did end up losing around 50 pound – primarily for myself but of course I want him to be proud of how I look too. I would always love DH too regardless of looks but honestly would not be super attracted either if he stacked on the weight. Physically I would be less attracted and also would lose some respect if the gain was as a result of eating crap and sitting on the couch. 

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m so sorry, OP. That is devastating, and my heart goes out to you.

I’d do some more digging. If I were you, I would want to know if he had ever found me physically/sexually attractive. Even if you two weren’t physically intimate, you know if you are attracted to a person or not (you don’t really say, but did you find your husband attractive before you were married? Do you find him attractive now?). You both need to have an honest conversation about this; make your husband tell you the truth, as hard as it might be to hear. Otherwise, I think this will be a terrible roadblock to both of your happiness, if you don’t get this straightened out and understood. You should find out if he had ever found you attractive, and if so, when did that specifically start to change? What does he find sexually attractive? What doesn’t he? Does he need for you to show appreciation for his body (ie if you don’t show appreciation he might “fall out” of attraction towards you in turn)? Do you need for him to show and verbalize apprecation towards you and your body to feel attractive?

This would give you a starting point, in that if he did find you attractive at some point, you can decide if its worth it to try to work together to get back to that point. Some things to think about: do you want to change the way you look? Would it even help the issue (for both you and him)? Even if it were possible, would you always be insecure that if your body altered in any way, such as after having children, your husband would go back to being unattracted to you? Would your husband not like your body after you bear his children? do you want to be married to someone who isn’t attracted to you physically? 

Lastly, now that your husband dumped that on your lap, if you both decide to stay and work on things, its now his responsibility to build your confidence in your attractiveness again. Its appalling that he stated things in that way, and now your perception of yourself will be changed by his words. Not cool. I think that one thing that might help both of you is if your husband did a little exercise: Everyday, he has to tell you one thing he finds sexy about you. It can be small, but little by little, that positive reinforcement will help you both (build your confidence, him to find attractive things about you) and boost your relationship.

I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship where I didn’t feel attractive or wanted in a physical way. Its such a huge important aspect of an intimate relationship that one (or both) of you will probably regret not having that. 

Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

Horseradish:  Yes I agree but people hold grudges for all sorts of things that can linger and poison a relationship.

Post # 12
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

Frustrated_bee:  perhaps you could ask your husband which parts of your body he is most attracted to and which he’d like better if they were more toned up. You could then buy some lingerie that really shows off the sexiest parts of you, and see if that helps you be more intimate together. If he loves your breasts, and isn’t crazy about your thighs, you could buy a peek-a-boo type nightie that has cut-outs, leaving the breasts exposed, and has a little length to minimize the thigh area. I’m NOT saying you need to be ashamed of your body so please do not take it that way. I’m saying, if you want to drive your man wild, give him a real eyeful of whatever he finds most irresistible. this might help rekindle a spark and may help him see that all people have very sexy parts of the body that are worth drooling on, and that imperfect bodies can also be perfectly sexy.

Post # 13
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry that you are going through this. When I read this, I pictured one of my favorite chefs Ina Garten and her husband in my mind. She was slim but shapely when they got married and now she is a lot heavier. Her husband is a little stick of a man and always has been. She’s been this heavy ever since I started watching her cooking shows and that must be ten years by now. I don’t think that she could lose the weight if she tried. She’s been like this for years. But, OP, it is more than the 20 lbs that you are talking about. It makes me wonder, though, if this is a good conversation to have with your man before you get married: “Will you have a problem if I gain x amount of lbs after we are married?”

Post # 14
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

<br />From your earlier thread, it sounds as if his sex drive might be a little low to begin with.

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