Post # 1
Hi ladies, it’s been a while since I’ve been in the WB. I have posted a few months ago about my issues with DH not being able to ejaculate, and how we were TTC. Well, we haven’t conceived yet, but I have been a lot better about waiting until he feels in the mood and all to BD. I pretty much just keep it all in as no one in our families know that we have this issues, so I have learned to just be patient and to not express my dissapointment for the lack of sex and his performance. It has been really hard, but I am getting better at it. After several months of trying, he broke down yesterday when we were attempting to make love (sorry TMI). After some foreplay, I just knew he wasn’t up to it as he wasn’t really erect. So as nicely and calmly as I could, I asked him what was going on? It took him a long while to answer my question (we were both in the dark late around midnight). When he finally spoke, he started by saying how he wasn’t happy with himself physically, and I am pretty sure emotionally too because he has been having the hardest time finding a good job besides the crappy ones he has had for the last 4 years. I totally understand his frustration. I know he has felt depressed and has lots of ups and downs. I try to be as supportive as I can. Well, then he went ahead to tell me that he is having a hard time getting aroused (apparently he can ejaculate just fine on his own after a while) and to help him with that, he needs to feel attracted to me (physically). Then the next thing just broke my heart, he said he didn’t feel physically/sexually attracted to me. 🙁 I asked him, what about me makes you not attracted? He said pretty much the extra pounds I carry. I agree that I have gained at least 20 lbs since the wedding which I was at my lowest since high school. I am 5 feet tall and weigh 150 lbs, so I am definitely not in good shape. Obviously, his lack of attraction to me has had an impact in how I feel along with other issues, such as not getting pregnant, stress etc. I wasn’t never thin when we were dating just chunky. We were not intimate prior to the wedding, so we grew up to love each other without the intimacy component, which honestly I kind of regret. Anyways, I am not sure if we would be together if we did have sex before getting married. So, he continued saying how emotionallay attached to me he is, pretty much he said he loves me no matter what, but I cannot stop thinking how I can live happy knowing he is not physically/sexually attracted to me, his wife. I consider myself average in beauty, and he wants me to loose the extra pounds. I love him, and even though we both want kids, we know his lack of confidence and attraction to me is hindering us from having kids. I am questioning whether it is a good idea to have kids now? Do I really need/should try really hard to loose weight to please him? Is this just a phase? Is this even normal for husband to lose interest in his wife this way? Is he being immature? Should I tell him to move on without me? Could he be happier if he was alone working out his issues and finding himself? I just have so many questions, and I’m starting to resent him. Any advice and words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Post # 2
Frustrated_bee: I’m so sorry you are going through this 🙁 I would be deeply hurt if my husband said that to me. Has this been an issue from the get go? Even immediately after the wedding? If so, his excuse about you gaining weight is bogus. In that case, I think it could be an issue he has had, but is embarassed and is putting the blame on you (which is wrong). Either way, even if it is because you gained weight, there were better ways he could have put it. I wouldn’t give up on him right away. If this has been an issue from the get go, I would see if he’d be willing to see a doctor or therapist. If it hasn’t been, id try talking to him and letting him know how you feel and see if he wants to work on things or what. Again I’m so sorry!
Post # 3
We can’t help our sexual attraction. It’s hard wired into us, and I know most of us claim to always be attracted to a person or our signifcant other no matter what, but the truth of the matter is that it isn’t always correct. Love and attraction are two different things. If my husband gained 200 pounds, I would still love him immensely. I’d still be with him, but I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to him anymore.<br /><br />That being said, this is fault of no one. Not you, not him. However, if I were in your shoes, I would diet and excercise more in order to make myself more sexually appealing to my husband. It makes him happier, and it would make me happier, healthier, and more within my normal BMI range (For clarification, I am 5’3″, and at my most I was 156 pounds. I am down to 145 today.) I personally am slimming myself down because I want to, because I know my husband wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me, and because I want to do it for my own health.<br /><br />You need to do some soul searching for yourself. Are you happy telling him to get out of your life because you don’t want to lose weight? Are you happy staying with him, with him potentially never regaining that sexual attraction? Would you be happier, would your marriage be stronger and would he be happier if you did? What if you did it together?<br /><br />I don’t think he is being immature, and I don’t think it’s a phase. Like I said, it’s hard wired into us into what gets our motors running and while it’s romantic to think you’ll always be sexually attracted to your SO, reality and science dictates otherwise almost 100% of the time.
<br />If it were me, I’d work on losing weight. But that’s just me.
Post # 4
Maybe since he isn’t “happy with himself physically” you could both try to be more active and eat healthier together. That way you’re bonding through a common goal and getting closer to one another on your journey to a healthier, more confident you!
Post # 5
Frustrated_bee: I am not sure- its not a drastic amount of weight (not enough that it should effect his ability to function) I agree with Hyperventilate, if it was me, I would try and lose weight but do you think you can forgive him afterwards?
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
Frustrated_bee: Please dont resent him. My Fi and i are the same and it took a while for him to admit the bigger i got the less “physically” attractive i became.. It is a superficial thing and if you put t in the extreme if your husband got really fat would you find him “physically” attractive?!..
My FI’s extra fears are that once we are pregnant and i put on baby weight will i be able to loose it on top of the extra kilos i have gained?!.. It hurts it really does but they are being honest.
I feel better the more weight i loose and feel more sexy for him and more healthy for the children we are TTC.. i think pregnancy and childbirth will be easyer for me if i slimdown first and then i will have less “baby weight” after..
Good luck, take it as constructive criticism from someone who loves you for you (and wouldnt have married you otherwise) He cares about you otherwise he wouldnt try, he would leave but he doesnt want to!.. he wants you! and would likea little more sexy you?!.. Dont change yourself completely but i think trying to please him will make things allot easyer. (my mum was big and he is afriad ill end up like her! im trying not to..)
Post # 7
nycsa: I don’t see what he needs to be forgiven for. He’s done nothing wrong except maybe being clumsy with words. Everyone has different things they find attractive and the OP’s husband is being honest with her. It hurts to hear, of course, but it’s honest.
Post # 8
Frustrated_bee: just a quick question that may seem a bit out there; does he by chance watch a lot of porn? I know this can turn into a debilitating habit/addiction whereby a man cannot have an intimate relationship with a normal, long term partner.
Post # 9
I put on weight after DH and I got together and he did admit at one point that he wasn’t thrilled. He was NEVER mean about it, still seemed attracted to me and was very supportive because he knew I was dealing with a medical condition that made losing/keeping weight off tough but it’s not like it was a shock to me If I was honest with myself. I did end up losing around 50 pound – primarily for myself but of course I want him to be proud of how I look too. I would always love DH too regardless of looks but honestly would not be super attracted either if he stacked on the weight. Physically I would be less attracted and also would lose some respect if the gain was as a result of eating crap and sitting on the couch.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry, OP. That is devastating, and my heart goes out to you.
I’d do some more digging. If I were you, I would want to know if he had ever found me physically/sexually attractive. Even if you two weren’t physically intimate, you know if you are attracted to a person or not (you don’t really say, but did you find your husband attractive before you were married? Do you find him attractive now?). You both need to have an honest conversation about this; make your husband tell you the truth, as hard as it might be to hear. Otherwise, I think this will be a terrible roadblock to both of your happiness, if you don’t get this straightened out and understood. You should find out if he had ever found you attractive, and if so, when did that specifically start to change? What does he find sexually attractive? What doesn’t he? Does he need for you to show appreciation for his body (ie if you don’t show appreciation he might “fall out” of attraction towards you in turn)? Do you need for him to show and verbalize apprecation towards you and your body to feel attractive?
This would give you a starting point, in that if he did find you attractive at some point, you can decide if its worth it to try to work together to get back to that point. Some things to think about: do you want to change the way you look? Would it even help the issue (for both you and him)? Even if it were possible, would you always be insecure that if your body altered in any way, such as after having children, your husband would go back to being unattracted to you? Would your husband not like your body after you bear his children? do you want to be married to someone who isn’t attracted to you physically?
Lastly, now that your husband dumped that on your lap, if you both decide to stay and work on things, its now his responsibility to build your confidence in your attractiveness again. Its appalling that he stated things in that way, and now your perception of yourself will be changed by his words. Not cool. I think that one thing that might help both of you is if your husband did a little exercise: Everyday, he has to tell you one thing he finds sexy about you. It can be small, but little by little, that positive reinforcement will help you both (build your confidence, him to find attractive things about you) and boost your relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship where I didn’t feel attractive or wanted in a physical way. Its such a huge important aspect of an intimate relationship that one (or both) of you will probably regret not having that.
Post # 11
Horseradish: Yes I agree but people hold grudges for all sorts of things that can linger and poison a relationship.
Post # 12
Frustrated_bee: perhaps you could ask your husband which parts of your body he is most attracted to and which he’d like better if they were more toned up. You could then buy some lingerie that really shows off the sexiest parts of you, and see if that helps you be more intimate together. If he loves your breasts, and isn’t crazy about your thighs, you could buy a peek-a-boo type nightie that has cut-outs, leaving the breasts exposed, and has a little length to minimize the thigh area. I’m NOT saying you need to be ashamed of your body so please do not take it that way. I’m saying, if you want to drive your man wild, give him a real eyeful of whatever he finds most irresistible. this might help rekindle a spark and may help him see that all people have very sexy parts of the body that are worth drooling on, and that imperfect bodies can also be perfectly sexy.
Post # 13
I’m sorry that you are going through this. When I read this, I pictured one of my favorite chefs Ina Garten and her husband in my mind. She was slim but shapely when they got married and now she is a lot heavier. Her husband is a little stick of a man and always has been. She’s been this heavy ever since I started watching her cooking shows and that must be ten years by now. I don’t think that she could lose the weight if she tried. She’s been like this for years. But, OP, it is more than the 20 lbs that you are talking about. It makes me wonder, though, if this is a good conversation to have with your man before you get married: “Will you have a problem if I gain x amount of lbs after we are married?”
Post # 14
<br />From your earlier thread, it sounds as if his sex drive might be a little low to begin with.
Post # 15
happyhealthy87: Thanks for your kind words. I think I can count with my two hands the times he has been able to ejaculate inside me. I think the first 6 months were good. I didn’t gain noticeable weight until probably a little over a year into our marriage, so it comes as a surprise to me that now he feels this way when I have noticed a lack of intimacy from the beginning. The reason we had a lot more regular sex was because I initiated like 80% of the time. He says there is nothing physically wrong with him, and I believe him because he can ejaculate just fine on his own.
Hyperventilate: Thanks for the advice, and I agree that I should lose weight for me and my health. I am not really sure that if I go back to previous weight pre-wedding he would change, but it’s worth trying for my own good.
MrsFairyBee: Thanks, I have thought about it, but he can be so lazy sometimes. Like if I cannot work out with him, he won’t try. This annoys me!
nycsa: I feel more dissapointed than anything. I hope this is not just an excuse to cover his performance issues. I have to believe him, so at least I am thankful he is not cheating on me.
Mistress_K: Thanks for sharing! It’s very inspirational, just what I need.
GrumpytheDwarf: Yes, I have seen watch some of it, but just a few times not in a regular basis. I am not sure, if he wants me to be hot and sexy like some of those people….as a comparison.
ladybrick: Thanks for your words and questions. I especially like your last paragraph. I am not sure if he would ever be attracted physically to me the way I want. Even if I lose weight, and especially if I end up pregnant, I would be huge then losing all the baby weight. I am willing to work on getting my body to a much better shape, but he doesn’t do much to help and can be a couch potato whereas I do a lot of the cleaning/cooking/working in the house and he just sits without helping so I can go out an workout…not cool. I also think intimacy is such an important aspect of a relationship and don’t want to regret not having a good one later in life.