Husband rarely wants sex

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

No way are you overreacting. I’m so sorry you are in this bad position. Honestly, the situation you have described I would consider a marriage-ender. Some people can stay in sexless marriages and be happy being celibate or seeking sex elsewhere, but it sounds like you’re not one of them. So addressing this issue is a MUST if you and your husband both want to stay in the marriage. If you’re feeling this unwanted and undesirable after a few sexless months, imagine how you’ll feel after a few sexless years.

I think you should seek professional help with your husband. You guys need to find out WHY this is happening – physical, mental, cheating, what? First he should go to a medical doctor. He might have a testosterone issue. If he gets an all-clear from the MD, you both should go to couples counseling. 

if I were you, I would def. let me husband know right now that the current situation is unbearable for me, and if he wants the marriage to continue he needs to seek professional help and advice NOW. To mitigate the ultimatum-soundingness of this, I’d also let him know I’ll be there to support and assist every step of the way. The worst thing you guys can do is ignore the issue and continue to allow it to erode your self esteem and the strength of your relationship.

i wish you he best of luck, I can imagine how humiliated and unwanted you must feel and my heart goes out to you. I hope your husband takes this seriously, seeks help and the issue is resolved!!

Post # 3
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I second having him see a doctor to get his levels checked out. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. Tell him this is hurting your feelings/self esteem/the marriage. That better be enough to make him see a doctor! 

Post # 4
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Definitely hold off on the ttc until this issue is resolved. As pp suggested sex therapy might be in order.

Post # 5
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It seems to me that he doesn’t want to have a baby. If your sex life was great before marriage and the closer and closer you both got to TTC he has backed off more and more, that screams “I don’t want a baby” to me. I’m sure you talked about it but maybe he’s scared to tell you he does not want one yet or isn’t ready, ESP if you have baby fever. He could also want a baby but be super nervous about it. I would try gently (he won’t be honest if you get angry and accusatory) ask him if that has anything to do with it. be open and willing to compromise on waiting if he says it does contribute, and make sure you keep communication open! 

Post # 6
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wonder if this lack of desire is his way of communicating that he is not ready for parenthood. Sometimes men are very fond of the passive aggressive maneuver, because they see it as a way to avoid conflict. 

Post # 7
9 posts
  • Wedding: October 2014

Not too get too personal on here (I have no idea if my FI could find this) but we have also had this problem. Not as severe as you but still! For him it was 100% connected to depression. Do you think your DH could possibly have that? When people get depressed, their sex drive goes way down and they make excuses and stuff about it and don’t want to admit that depresssion is the problem. Talk to him and see if maybe this is the problem. Definitely suggest he go to therapy in the best way possible. Best of luck hun! 

Post # 8
876 posts
Busy bee

You mentioned that it started to dwindle before you got married and has progressively gotten worse. I wonder if he just naturally has a low sex drive once the newness of relationships wears off.

Post # 9
1321 posts
Bumble bee

I second the idea of seeing a medical doctor to make sure there is nothing health-wise that is preventing your DH from having sex.  If there are no medical reasons for his lack of sex drive, please also know that before jumping to the conclusion that your DH doesn’t want to have sex with you, there are many other reasons that could be contributing to his low libido.

Some of the big ones that are related to low sex drive is, problems at work/bored or unfulfilled at a job he hates, a lot of life changing events happening (marriage, death, births, moving, etc), he has fears and anxiety around fatherhood that he has bottled up inside, there are issues in your relationship but he has not voiced/addressed his concerns/issues, and if he has recently gained weight and physically/mentally he does not feel attractive or has low energy. 

I think the first thing you and your DH need to focus on is to figure out what the underlying issues are around the lack of sex in your relationship.  If I were you, until you heal whatever is going on, bringing a baby into this mix is going to make things much more complicated and make things worst.  Not to mention, when you’re pregnant your hormones will be all over the place and it will be much harder for you to keep a cool level head where you can see things objectively/rationally. 

Post # 10
1504 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

SadFaceMrs:  PM Me. Would love to talk to another lady about this problem.

Post # 11
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Deal breaker for me, I’m wishing you luck, OP! No one deserves to feel like they’re trying too hard, what an awful feeling. Sex and love are two different things but I would feel very unloved and unwanted if I had dolled up for nothing…

Keep us updated

Post # 12
46 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

Definitely time to have a serious discussion with your husband, and if he refuses or if the conversation does not go anywhere, I’d consider couple’s counseling to have a mediator create a safe space and lead the discussion.

Might be fear, might be depression, might also be porn. People getting used to get a quick release through masturbation while watching highly arousing videos might start to feel that normal sex with a partner is too much work, and/or fear that they won’t be able to climax in a less arousing environment.

Good luck!

Post # 14
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

interchangeable:  I totally agree. Recapping that last thread: he suggested a time of separation and during that time he had an affair. Then when you got together he admitted to still having feelings for her. So I think the reason for lack of sex is he’s not fully committed to you.

My advice: dump the cheater.

I’m not sure why you say you don’t believe in divorce, but if it’s for religious reasons let me say this: I belong to a fairly conservative church, and I would have no hesitation recommending divorce if you were one of my friends from church.

Post # 15
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It could be depression. It’s actually happening to FI and I, but in our case, I am the one that wants nothing to do with sex. I suffer from depression and even though our sex life was great at first, for the last two years I don’t have any desire for it. I had the doctor do blood work but everything came back fine. I am under continuous pressure from FI to get my act together and somehow make my sex drive come back. He has accused me of not loving him and/or not being attracted to him. I am seeing a psychologist for it as well. I have given into sex a couple of times even though I did not want to, and I felt miserable because it felt like a chore, which in turn makes less desirable. One thing I would want you to keep in mind is that you might not be the only one suffering. I for one feel completely helpless, and I feel like I am never going to be able to make FI happy again. Recognize that by blaming yourself (i.e. “He is not attracted to me anymore”), you might be making him feel even more helpless about the situation. This is a serious issue and you certainly need to address it. I wish I could give you advice but I am myself trying to figure out how to get my sex drive back.

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