Post # 1
Yesterday I went to brunch and a movie with my brother. I came home and made a beeline (Heh. ) for the computer.
My husband came into the spare bedroom and said: “I can’t believe my wife was out all day and then jumped on the computer.” He started kissing me and then said “Stop ignoring me!” I turned off the computer and went into the living room. My husband had some more comments for me. “Why did you get married? So that you could play on Facebook all the time?”
I was dumbfounded. I didn’t even realize how ignored my husband felt. Sometimes when I am sitting on the loveseat with a book, my husband will ask me why I am sitting so far away. I will then go and cuddle with him on the couch. My husband is an introvert and I like to give him his space. I am the social butterfly in our marriage and I’m a very independent person. I think it is important to maintain separate interests. Another piece of this puzzle is when we were dating, I loved my husband more than he loved me. I wanted to spend more time with him all the time. Maybe I am still guarding my heart. Now the tables have turned and I can’t believe it.
How can I remember to pay attention to my husband? I don’t want to be mean and cold to him, but I genuinely had no idea that he felt so lonely.
Post # 2
Don’t make plans when he is off without checking with him first; cuddle up with him when you read; greet him at the door when one of you comes home; do a few randomly sweet things for him; plan an activity for the two of you to do together.
Post # 3
PositiveThinking: Well he should have expressed to you that he felt lonely else how would you know? You can’t read his mind. Sounds kind of like he pent it up or at the very least, wasn’t very adult in how he went about telling you. But now that you know, you can be aware and come in to say “Hi” first before FB etc etc. I imagine you already had a convo about it?
Post # 4
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It helps to have that knowledge of what the other person needs and why so that you have that to drive your new habits.
Post # 5
PositiveThinking: Paying attention to your husband shouldn’t take a lot of effort. Just remember the little things, like PP said, greet him at the door, hug and kiss him goodbye/goodnight. Go for walks together after dinner, cook together, and snuggle while you watch TV.
Don’t treat him like a roommate. Interact with him and ask about his day and his plans etc. I’m introverted too and my FI does a great job making me feel loved even when we don’t have a lot of time to spend together.
Post # 6
we generally don’t leave a room without kissing each other goodbye unless we are coming right back.
every time you walk in the door or leave the house you should hug and kiss him hello and goodbye, talk to him especially if you haven’t seen him all day.
if you are reading on the couch, put your feet on his lap, maybe you will get a foot massage out of it….
Post # 7
PositiveThinking: It’s great that you noticed and picked up on the things he is saying to you. My fiance has been pointing out lately that I’m not listening to him. My brain has been going a mile a minute lately with to-do lists and on my lunch break or when I’ve just gotten home from work (when he wants to talk to me), the first thing on my mind is responding to texts and emails I’ve gotten while I’ve been at work. Unless he gets my attention first, sometimes I don’t even hear him talking to me! 🙁 I feel terrible–but we just have to work on it!
I’m going to try to give my attention to him when I first come home instead of getting on my phone or the computer. Maybe you could try that too. It’s not like we can completely leave those things undone, but maybe he wants your attention FIRST. Guys want to know they are our #1 priority, before Facebook or the Internet or anything.
Post # 8
I seem to have difficulty remembering to pay attention when I haven’t seen him all day. I just live in my head too much. My husband gets sensitive if he has to come into the spare room and greet me when he comes home. He wants me to run to the door and kiss him. He doesn’t want me to be on the phone or the computer when he gets home either. I don’t like all of these rules like I am a child.
He didn’t appreciate me as much when I was the demonstrative one, so I feel like I need to step back to protect myself. Sometimes I feel a bit crowded by my husband’s apparent neediness.
Post # 9
I’m sure that I am not my husband’s first priority all the time, though he would disagree with that statement. Life happens and we can’t always have each other’s undivided attention. It doesn’t bother me but it hurts my husband.
Post # 10
I couldn’t be doing with the sort of needy husband who wanted me to rush to the door and kiss him, let alone attempt to read a book while wrapped around someone else! We’re an affectionate couple – I’d never ignore my DH when he comes home from work for example and we do kiss hello and goodbye. But if he started making rules about dancing attendance on him I’d be unimpressed.
It sounds to me, OP, as if your husband is very insecure. Either that or he has slightly controlling tendencies.
I’m not saying that it isn’t important to assess whether you have begun to take someone’s presence for granted because it’s easy to do that without thinking but an adult shouldn’t need undivided attention either.
Post # 11
I think it is a bit of both with my husband; insecurity and control issues are obvious.