husband strugglew his family putting me in a bad position?

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
6390 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Yes, you were wrong. How he navigates his relationship with his father is his decision and you shouldn’t have gotten involved by contacting him on Father’s Day. It wasn’t your place. You knew he didn’t want to and it’s pretty clear he didn’t really want you to either. And for some reason you are making this about you when it isn’t about you at alol. It sounds like you care more about what people think about you than how your DH is feeling.

Not everyone’s family is the same. You can’t compare yours to his and just use the logic that this is what you would do with your dad so that’s what he should do with his.

Post # 3
Member
4407 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I struggle with my relationship with my dad too, so I can understand how he is feeling with this situation.  My case is different, but essentially my dad is controlling without realizing it and he has minimal self-awareness and empathy.  I’m just starting to uncover how deeply rooted these issues are and as much as I love him, my adult relationship with him always has been strained.  My husband lets me take the lead because he understands that it’s mine to deal with.

If your husband wants to maintain the relationship with his dad, that is his choice.  Don’t feel guilty about spending more time with your family.  If he wants to spend time with his family, he is responsible for arranging that.  If I were in your situation I would keep on suggesting he calls on important days and whatnot, but don’t feel like you have to push him to have a relationship with his family.

I will also say I’m close to both my husband’s family and my family and though my husband is out of town on business right now, I went to his parents’ house for a Father’s Day grill out.  I also purchased his dad a gift.  So in a lot of ways it depends on each family situation.

Post # 4
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It’s really not your place to manage his relationship with his family, period. You seem too focused on what other people will think about you instead of on what matters which is your husband’s feelings. My husband has a complicated relationship with his father and I have decided to take my cues from him on how he wants to interact with him. If he asks my opinion I give it, otherwise I stay out of it. 

Post # 6
Member
6390 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It depends what his sister is contacting you about. There’s a lot of contextual elements to answering that question.

But when he tells you he doesn’t want to contact his dad on Father’s Day because they’ve had a falling out you should absolutely respect that.

Post # 7
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

If she texts you, then answer her as yourself. But stop speaking on his behalf.  Marrying you doesn’t mean he lost all rights to his autonomy.  He is allowed to have the relationship he wants to have with his own family.  That doesn’t have to be exactly the same as the one you have with yours, nor the one he has with yours.  Stop interfering.  If you want to text members of his family because you have such deep affection and reverence for them, then do it as yourself and only maintaining the relationship you personally want with them.  Your husband is a grown man and can speak for himself – he doesn’t need you acting as his ventriloquist.

Post # 8
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

If his sister texts you to communicate with you, I’d respond. But if she texts you to communicate with him, I’d tell her to do so directly.

My FI has had problems with a father figure over the past few months. I have stayed out of it, only had contact with this uncle the bare minimum, and when possible given my FI advice to improve their relationship.

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