Husband will not defend me against his family.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@cgrantham12:  I think it is important for you and your partner to be on the same page about how to deal with these issues. My theory is that you should always be his first priority over anyone else, including his family. I never have to worry about my FI defending me to anyone and that is the way I like it.

I think you need to express (calmly) how his actions are making you feel and make him realize that something needs to change if he wants a future with you. You can’t play second to his family and it is really unfair of him to ask you to. At a certain point, your “new” family (and especially your wife) have to come first.

Post # 4
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

eeek these issues should have resoved before the marrige.  many threads on here are about setting boundaries before marriage.

I find it creepy as hell that your in laws threw your house warming party for you.  It is YOUR house.  You throw the party, no one else.  Letting someone else do it is saying “hey this is your house too.”

You need to set up boundaries now.  Terll you DH this is what annoys you and if he feels that you’re out of line and won’t defend you you need to leave and find a guy to who you are number 1 and not in line behind his mother and sister, sorry.

Post # 5
1287 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to put your foot down with his sister. Not him. Don’t put him in the position of doing so. This is your house as much as it is your husbands.  If it offends her, so what. She’ll get over it. It’s your home, not hers.  Sometimes with Inlaws, you have to be firm with them yourself. If you make your husbands do it, it might cause some riff raff.  My xDH never put his foot down with his family with me, never stuck up for me. I kept my mouth shut.  I wish now that I would have put my foot down with them.  Being quiet and making the husband do it, it’s going to change anything. But that was from my experience.

Post # 8
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@cgrantham12:  I think it’s concerning that he doesn’t at least validate your feelings & opinions, even if he doesn’t always agree with them.

In your house & in your marriage, your opinions should be more important than his sister’s, & if that’s not the case, then something is very off.

I don’t really have advice except to maybe write your husband a letter so that you can take the time to really plan your words & convey your emotions, and a letter means that he won’t have the chance to interrupt or erupt with anger. Plus, if you make sure he gets it while you will be out of the house for the day, then he will have some time to marinate on it, & diffuse his anger if the letter upsets him.

I’m sorry you are going through this, hun 🙁

Post # 9
6928 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My issue, is that he never sticks up for me in situations like this. As we were arguing Friday he proceeded to tell me that I needed to grow up and get over it. To me it seems that he thinks his family can never do anything wrong and they are pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. My opinion is that we are married now and we are a unity now. He should stick by my side no matter what, unless i did something way out of line, but in this situation I honestly feel as though his sister is in the wrong. 

This is a real issue and it needs to be addressed asap. Marriages break up over crap like this. Sometimes guys are dense and don’t realize how it can feel to be in a situation like this. I think you both need to sit down and have a very real and honest conversation about these things.
He is probably seeing it as, “what she said this one time wasn’t a big deal” and he’s not seeing it as the WHOLE picture – the fact that this apparently happens often. Seriously sit down and say, “It isn’t the cat litter comment or even the tables or other small things, it’s the fact that this is setting a tone in our marriage that we are not on the same page and you’re letting your sister come between us.” Don’t play the victim or make it seem like his sister is a terrible person, just keep to the real issue – these things were happening in the home that the two of you own. It is not hers. It belongs to the two of you as a couple. If you aren’t comfortable with things happening in your own home, your DH should understand that it IS your call. Just stick to the point that it is a boundary issue and relationships need boundaries to thrive.
Also, next time, make sure to lock the bedroom door when people come over. I purposefully shut our bedroom door whenever guests are over so when we send them up to the bathroom upstairs they know it’s one of the OPEN doors.

Post # 11
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If it were me I would demand that my FI stand up to his family and if he refused then we would have serious issues. Given that their personalities are overbearing this will unlikely be a one time thing and you’re going to have issues with it throughout your marriage if your DH won’t say anything to them. I love my FI’s family, but they can overstep sometimes and my FI never hesitates to tell them to back off. Honestly he is so laid back and I don’t think that he cares himself, but he does it because he knows it bothers me. I think he also knows that if he doesn’t say something, then I will and he surely doesn’t want that 😉

My mother is super judgmental (to everyone and everything, its just her way) and I can’t tell you how many times I have spoken up/defended/taken the side of my FI. Its just what you do for your spouse.

Don’t worry about avoiding conflict, sometimes conflict is necessary.

Post # 13
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cgrantham12:  This is true for baby showers and bridal showers.  I don’t think anyone would say it is rude for you to throw your own house warming.  It would actually be expected.

Like if your MIL throws it she writes on the invite come see my son’s new house?  I stand by creepy.

You def should have right there and then said.  No way in hell.  My house my party.  but shoulda coulda woulda arn’t goign to help.

I disagree with posters that say you need to be the only one standing up for yourself.  If the sis is comfortable messing about in your space and your hubby is too that isn’t going to change it is just going to casue annimosity between his fam and you.  She won’t stop becasue it does not bother your DH so why should she?

Unless your DH stands up to it, things won’t change. You need to be united in your own hosehold.  If you’re not your relationship isn’t going to work so it’s better to get out sooner rather than later.

Post # 14
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’ve never heard of anyone not throwing their own house warming party. In fact it seems utterly bonkers that anyone other than the people whose house is being warmed would host it!

However, apart from that, I think you need to pick your battles carefully. The comment about the cat litter tray is probably not worth tears and arguments over and not speaking to someone for 3 hours is the least helpful way of getting someone to see things from your point of view.

Their behaviour when in your house is out of order though. Nobody has the right to come into your bedroom and tidy it and his sister was wrong to do this. Your husband really ought to realise this but of course, this sort of behavious may be normal in his family. 

I think you need to talk calmly to your husband and say that it’d help all round if some boundaries could be drawn. Your home is your sanctuary. He needs to respect that and he needs to support you too. 

Post # 15
4138 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Who the hell comments on the cleanliness of someone elses house? Or starts cleaning it for that matter? Is she OCD? That behavior is very troubling. 

Post # 16
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HappySky7:  LOL. Right?!

Something slightly similar happened to me. My FI’s family lives in another state and we don’t see them often, but they planned a visit so that they could see the new house we had just bought several months prior. I had cleaned everything spotless and made sure it was super tidy since they would be staying with us. We do have two dogs, but they are both less than 10 lbs and don’t shed at all – they’re very clean.

Well they all loved the house, but a few days after they left we got a package from them in the mail. ALL cleaning supplies and a list of how to clean things. Tell me anyone would interpret that in any way other than, “your house is dirty.” I was livid and so insulted. Who sends a box of lysol wipes, kitchen cleaners, dust rags, etc?!

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