- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
I’m frustrated my husband refuses to discuss when we might have kids at all. Last night, we were talking about our delayed honeymoon and I said I wanted to go someplace special in part because of the honeymoon aspect, but also because I didn’t know how many more trips sans kids we would have. His response is to tell me I don’t need to think about it for 7 years. I’m 33, he’s 37. Odds are it’ll take a year to get pregnant. If we started trying this summer, that means we’d be about 35/39 for kid 1 at best, and 37/41 at best for kid 2. And clearly, we are not anywhere near to trying this summer.
He was somewhat ambivalent about kids when we started dating, but we talked about it before I moved in – I didn’t want to move in unless we were on the same page. Now he doesn’t remember that we talked this through and he agreed we’d have kids. On the other hand, we are buying a larger house than we need now for space for kids so he is planning for it – just far off in an undefined future.
He’s a smart cookie, but for some reason he just doesn’t see the research in terms of decreased fertility or the increased health concerns for potential kids as an issue that could apply to us. Moreover, I was once told I have PCOS so that could present additional issues getting pregnant.
He thinks we don’t have enough money for kids, but we do – we have good jobs and plenty saved and stashed away for retirement.
I felt bad for a friend in college who had parents in their 60s, because he couldn’t do so much with them, but that’ll be us. No energy to play with the kids or such.
I also believe he won’t want to spend the time, energy, and physical effort on assisted fertility if we can’t get pregnant on our own, so if that happens I am afraid I will be incredibly resentful that we might have had kids, if only he’d been willing to talk about it sooner.
I feel like a waiting bee. If I bring it up, he shuts down and won’t discuss timing, if I don’t bring it up, we have status quo of no kids, no clarity, and no peace of mind for me knowing it may not happen this year or next, but at least will happen. (Not that there is much peace of mind as you get older, it becomes a bigger worry.) It’s hard to be patient feeling like time is running out.
Change comes slowly to him although once he decides he wants to do something then he wants it done immediately. But I just don’t know that I can wait 7 years for him to decide he wants kids yesterday.
Anyhow, I’ve been off & on frustrated, but the remark about 7 years really upset me and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Rarely can I get myself to stay in a resigned “ok if we don’t have kids mood”.
Note: Edited down for some privacy