Post # 1
My husband and I were having a discussion a few weeks ago regarding boundaries with other women. Overall he is an extremely friendly person and easily makes new friends. He works with mostly men, but he met this one woman who he works with through a work kickball team. I was okay about their friendship, I didn’t love it (I do have some jealousy issues) but overall it didn’t bother me too much. As far as I knew he really only saw her at kickball, and every once in a while at work if they crossed paths in the cafeteria. They texted in a joking way here and there and played words with friends together, which didn’t thrill me, but the texts were not a big deal, and didn’t really happen very often, mostly just regarding their kickball schedule.
Recently as we had our “boundaries” discussion, I found out he saw her a lot more often than I thought because her work area is right near the cafeteria, and is kind of like a glass area, so sees right into the cafeteria. He said often when he went to the caf she would come out and talk to him or he would go say hi to her, probably a few times a week.
Since we talked about our boundaries, we established more of what we both feel comfortable with and he understands, but I’m just having trouble getting over that is was happening in the first place. He says he is going to try to avoid seeing her/ texting her because he knew it bothered me, and part of me wants that, but part of me feels like that is too much to ask/ not fair to him when he didn’t really do anything inappropriate. I really do trust him, I’m just not crazy about the thought of him being super friendly with a woman I don’t know. Just kind of confused about the whole situation right now. Any words of wisdom/ advice for dealing with this?
Post # 2
Umm, I’m sorry, but I fail to see anything innappropriate here. He has obviously not tried to hide anything about their friendship with you, has he ever been unfaithful in the past which has required putting boundaries in place? They text occassionally about a team they both play in, and she says a quick hi to him while he’s waiting to get food in the cafeteria? I would understand concern if they were meeting somewhere out of the work environment ie. going for dinner at restaurants or going to the movies just the two of them, that would be a bit strange, but a quick hi at work is absolutely acceptable and you need to loosen the ball and chain IMO. I think you need to ask yourself why you have no trust in your man.
Post # 3
As someone who has been cheated on, this is not cheating. Its not his fault her desk is next to him behind a glass area. it’s not wrong that co workers exchange words and pleasantries during the work day. And all texts regarding kickball are harmless. I would let this completely go. You are looking way to into it and being sensitive. With that said, if it really bothers you, keep an eye on his phone and Facebook for a while until you feel more assured. but really, this is extremely innocent as you are telling it
what boundary did he cross? Is he supposed to tell her? sorry I am not allowed to say hi to you. If you say hi to me I must ignore you. If you see me in the cafeteria, im not allowed to sit near you. If you have a question about kickball you cant ask me. I mean what BOUNDARY was crossed? Boundaries to be would be to: , not going to lunch with any women OUTSIDE of the cafeteria, No texts besides work related, stuff like that.
Post # 4
Advice: He isn’t doing anything wrong. Let it go. You’re being insecure. There is nothing wrong with being nice to your co-workers, talking with them, and having normal, daily interactions with them…male OR female. In fact, I think it’s a requirement of most jobs.
Post # 5
I think you are being too sensitive. I work in a field ruled by men and if all the wives forbade their husbands from chatting with me it would be way weird plus I’d be super lonely. As long as he talks to you about her I doubt you have anything to worry about. Also, you could meet him for lunch or go to his game and meet her to ease some jealousy.
Post # 6
You can’t put half the human race off-limits. He will have female co-workers and some will become friends. It sounds like he is just being a normal friend and nothing shady going on, so you might need to take a step back and try to understand why this makes you so upset.
Post # 7
pkb2828: You say you trust him, but your actions say otherwise. You don’t trust him and you might have insecurities that you have to get over it eventually. So my advice is to work on the reason why you feel insecure?
As far as that woman is concern, she’s not trying to steal your man, nor is your man trying to cheat on you.
Post # 8
Lol. My SO has 2 really close female friends that are alone in our apartment with him with fair frequency. The have like showered at my apartment and stuff. I don’t care at all.
During our relationship I’ve had multiple male roommates who walk around in their underwear. He didn’t care either except the one time my room mate who is an ass decided to flash me! ( he was mad at him not me, for being disrespectful)
If you want to spend a life with someone, trust is vital. I agree that there are lines that can be crossed, but unless you are telling only part of the truth, he is far from it. Half the world is female, so other women will always be around.
Post # 9
…it doesn’t even sound like they’re super friendly. It sounds like they’re about a step above acquaintances. They aren’t hanging out one-on-one, or doing anything I would say that could be in any way construed as inappropriate. Seeing her a few times a week in the caf and chatting abut kickball schedules isn’t exactly some torrid love affair.
My personal opinion is that setting rules and boundaries for who your partner can and can’t talk to is not the behaviour of someone who trusts their partner. I think it’s very controlling, and frankly will breed resentment eventually.
Post # 10
I think all the PP are right, it sounds like NBD! Yet at the same time I know if I heard my FI was playing WWF with a coworker and meeting up with her for lunch and texting outside work, I would also be super on guard.
That’s what us naturally jealous/have been cheated on before women have to deal with. All you can do it reign in the monster.
Post # 11
So I guess I’ll be the odd poster out and say, if you aren’t comfortable, and he understands and agrees on boundaries, that’s fine. The two marriage break ups of people I know in the last year, dude one is now with his “Just a friend softball buddy” and the other dude is with “just a friend biking buddy.” It doesn’t always happen, maybe it rarely happens, but if I wasn’t ok with a friendship my husband had, I would feel perfectly within my rights to talk to him about it and come to a mutual agreement, and I wouldn’t tear myself up about it, either.
Post # 12
I just wanted to pop in and say that I totally understand your feelings. One PP put it well when she said that she’d feel “on guard” about this. I completely agree and sympathize with you! I don’t think it means that you don’t trust your FI or that you think he’s cheating. I think you are seeing potential problems where there aren’t any to protect yourself and your relationship. I am naturally SUPER jealous, and it’s something we’ve had to work through at times. I think a lot of it has more to do with my perception of my own value and my confidence level, and less with my suspicions of his behavior or intentions. Does that make sense? I’ve had a talk with FI where I just explained, “Listen, I had a shitty childhood and I have some trust issues. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. It means that I feel like I have to protect myself. I’m working on breaking down this wall and believing in you to protect me, too, but I need your help on that by (doing ________).” He needs to try to understand where you’re coming from so he doesn’t feel like you think he’s some sort of evil guy who thinks with his pecker. Just like you need reassurance that he would never hurt you, he needs reassurance that you trust in him to not hurt you.
Post # 13
“He works with mostly men…”
That statement also implies that she works with mostly men. Try to look at it from her perspective. If every SO of a male worker tried to limit her SO’s contact with this female co-worker… Well, I would feel terrible for her. It’s like she would have been shut-out from the gentlemen’s club.
As a female in a male-dominated field, I’ve seen cases of SO’s taking their jealousy too far, trying to basically forbid contact with the women he works with. It’s sad for everyone. I’m frozen out, and he ends up miserable because he always has to be on guard. I swear, I have no interest in dating my co-workers. I have an FI, and even if I didn’t, I would never get involved with someone who’s in a relationship.
Post # 14
MrsWoW: I’m sorry about your friends, but do you really think it is acceptable to set a boundary where pretty much you cannot be polite to a female co-worker?
208bride: I too can sometimes have jelousy issues regarding FI. I admit they are irrational fears though, like being scared of a clown, and wouldn’t ask of him what OP has asked of him because of my own insecurities.
Post # 15
I don’t think you should feel bad about expressing how his closeness with this woman makes you feel. Jealousy issues or not, if he finds himself going out of his way to see her or vice versa (even her coming out to chat with him–doesbshe come out to chat with other men?) There is a possibility she has a crush, or he does. It may seem harmless now, but if he doesn’t set clear boundaries then she might be misreading his “friendliness” as something else.
We have a job to protect our relationship. It sounds like he understands how important this is to you and will work on changing it. Good for you two being able to express yourselves.