Post # 1
My husband and I live about 3 1/2 hours from most of our friends and family, including his two closest friends. He wanted to have a boys’ weekend and so we chose to have him invite his two friends to our house for a weekend when I would not be there. (We have a very small house and it seemed like it would be awkward for me to be there during their “boy time”.)
My husband’s one friend, we’ll call him Teddy, is refusing to commit to the date unless he can bring his wife. My husband spent 40 minutes on the phone with Teddy reiterating that it was to be a boys’ weekend, that I wouldn’t be here, and that his wife was not invited for this event. Teddy, however, just keeps whining about bringing his wife. My husband thinks that Teddy will show up with his wife in tow even though she is not welcome. How do you think this should be handled? Any suggestions?
A little background, if you would like more information. Teddy’s wife is not someone I get along with. When my husband and I first dated, he would drive the 3 1/2 hours to see me nearly every weekend. This resulted in his receiving text messages from Teddy’s (now) wife insinuating that the only reason he came to see me was for sex. That eventually subsided. While we were engaged, and even now, Teddy and his wife would show up to whatever event we would attend if we were visiting other family or friends back home. Shortly after we were married, Teddy’s wife would send my husband text messages insulting my life choices (I don’t eat meat and somehow this is her business), insinuating that my husband didn’t do enough for Teddy, and guilting my husband for not seeing them every chance he got. Honestly, I don’t know what Teddy’s wife’s problem is with me. She never says anything directly to me except to make up excuses as to why my husband needs to come visit them. One example was when she told me that Teddy and my husband were going to change the timing belt on my car at her house. As in, my husband was going to spend a weekend there doing this. When I related this to my husband he had no idea what I was talking about. We also drove the 3 1/2 hours to attend a potlock/byob birthday party for Teddy and instead of a “thank you for coming” all we heard was “why aren’t you staying overnight?” repeated throughout the evening. I could give numerous other examples of all of this, but you get the picture.
I do need to point out that my husband has always had a problem standing up to them, and I think that’s part of what’s going on here. Both Teddy and his wife push and push until they get their way and my husband likes to keep the peace so he normally folds. However, my husband is doing much better at being assertive (with them and in all aspects of his life), which includes standing up for me with them. So, there really is no longer an issue of my husband telling them to stop being inappropriate towards me.
Any suggestions for how to handle this situation about the boys’ weekend are appreciated. What should my husband do if the wife shows up? Should he turn them away or just say that they won’t be invited back for quite a while? How involved should I become in it? So far I’ve stayed out other than to listen to my husband vent about the situation. Thanks so much for your help!
Post # 3
Although I totally understand where you are coming from, and I completely agree that this woman is being rediculous about this entire situation (throughout the history of your relationship with your husband), I am still of the opinion that you should stay out of it. If you don’t then you are not any better than the woman you are frustrated with. She obviously can’t stay out of her husband’s business (or anyone elses!) and that is not the type of person you want to be. Your husband is a big boy. He can handle this on his own.
Post # 4
That would be EXTRA awkward if he does bring her…she would be the only woman there…I wouldn’t want to go with my husband to a boys weekend, at ALL. Weird. I mean I wouldn’t turn them away but I would definitely pull the friend aside and tell him hey man why did you bring your wife etc. Let it be known that it was a stupid move. Does he have a reason that he HAS to bring her?? I mean, just doesnt make any sense to me.
Post # 5
Lie. And tell Teddy that you’ll be home that weekend and there is absolutely no room for his wife. If she wants to tag along they can get a hotel room, because there is not enough room for both of them in your house. In My Humble Opinion if she wants to be mean and nasty there is no reason for you bend over backwards to accomodate her.
Post # 6
if he cant go without his wife he shouldnt go at all – its called a ‘boys weekend’ for a reason
Post # 7
Thanks for the input, everyone! Up to this point I have stayed out of it other than to listen to my husband vent. (I have absolutely no contact with Teddy or his wife outside of group social situations and no intention of changing that.) But, I would like to discuss with my husband how to handle it if she shows up. Not in a “you have to do this” sort of way, but rather brainstorm to figure out the best way to handle it. I think if my husband is ready with a plan of action then he will do better continuing to be assertive with them and hold his ground better. Ultimately, it will be up to him how to handle it, and I fully realize that. I’m just looking for some suggestions to put forth to him.
As to why Teddy insists on bringing his wife, we are both at a loss. Apparently my husband asked Teddy and he just responded with I want her to be there. It’s really odd — I mean I don’t want to be there since it’s supposed to be a boys’ weekend. I suspect she doesn’t trust him to be on his own with the guys or she just needs to be entertained by him all the time. She included her brother as a groomsman at their wedding, I think primarily because her brother would then be at the bachelor party. (Speculation on my part.) Every time Teddy is doing something separate from her, be it working while she has time off, going to a bachelor’s party, etc, she whines on Facebook about being alone and without him.
Post # 8
That is tricky. Part of me says your hubby should just un-invite Teddy from the weekend completely… which would cause drama no doubt. But then another part of me says let him bring her along… You won’t have to be there to deal with her, she would be either bored out of her mind or completely uncomfortable the whole time.
Post # 9
It sounds like the lady is very insecure. I think she doesn’t want her husband to go without him because of a couple reasons ( although I could be wrong). 1) She thinks maybe you will be there, and perhaps your husband is lying about it being a boys weekend and doesn’t want to be left out. 2) She doesn’t trust her husband to be alone with just the guys. 3) she is afraid that the guys will bad talk her.
I don’t think there is anything you can do. It’s your husbands friend. However, if you want to give your husband advice, tell him to call Teddy, and let him know its a guys weekend only, and he can come alone, or not come at all. He can tell Teddy it is no disrespect to the wives or his wife specifically, but the weekend he planned was for him and his closest friends.
The only other option I can think of, is to replan it for a couples weekend, where the girls and guys get together. Although, I relaize this would be tough considering you don;t get along with teddy’s wife.
Post # 10
I think you should tell your husband to talk to Teddy and have a quick – 2 minute conversation.
Husband: Just wanting to make a final decision about our boys only weekend. Are you in or are you out?
Teddy: (whining of course) I’m in if I can bring my wife.
Husband: Ok. Then I’m marking you down as a no. If you change your mind, let us know, but we are planning without you.
If Teddy doesn’t back down and keeps whining and trying to convince him – tell your husband just say: “I think I’ve made myself clear. I don’t want to have this discussion anymore. I’ll talk to you later”.
and HANG UP.
There’s no reason he needs to be talking about this for 40 minutes!
Post # 11
I’m sorry but is anyone else besides me bothered with this woman’s history? OP was there a relationship at all between the 2 of them prior to you bc to me she’s seems a little obsessed with your husband. Does she do this with other friends? My husband would be bothered and questioning why I insisted on attending a guys only weekend not to mention texting his friends about their personal lives. I would uninvite him in the end.
Post # 12
@MissGreen: I too think Teddy’s wife sounds inappropriately interested in the goings on of the OP’s husband. I don’t know why OP’s hubby is still friends with Teddy if his wife is behaving that way. It’s…weird. She sounds jealous of the OP and the way she always wants OP’s husband around makes me think she’s got the hots for him.
Post # 13
“If you can’t come without Trisha then please don’t come at all.”
Post # 14
Wow this sounds kinda familiar in a group of friends Darling Husband and I have- the one guy’s wife is a total bummer and has him on a short leash, but he’ll invite her to guys’ night outtings for reasons no one else can fathom. If I was your husband, I’d tell dearest Teddy to leave the lady at home, or don’t bother coming at all. She sounds like a total wench and he needs to put his foot down. I loathe women like her. She gives “wife” a negative connotation.
Post # 15
This is totally weird. I wouldn’t want her in my house while I wasn’t home either, she sounds a little loopy. If my Fiance were gone for a “boys weekend” I would enjoy my down time! Go shopping for an extra long shopping trip, have my GFs over for wine and junk food etc etc. I certainly would not want to show up at a boys weekend 3.5 hours from my house where I am not wanted and be the only woman there. If Teddy insists on bringing her maybe your Darling Husband should just invite the other friend only to avoid the wife. What did you decide to do?
Post # 16
I agree with the wife sounding way too connected to the OP’s husband. He can come alone or not at all, and if he does drag her along then tell them they can stay at a hotel.