(Closed) Husband’s friend’s wedding in a few weeks, no invite for us – send gift anyway?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think you need to send them a gift if you’re not going to the wedding, and especially if you’re not invited to the wedding. Their present did make it hard for you to give a thank you note, and I wouldn’t worry about that being the reason you’re not invited to their wedding.

If you really want to go to the wedding, maybe your husband could ask whichever college friend he is closest to to find out if you were invited? It might be a little awkward to ask the couple directly, but if a mutual friend can find out for you that might work.  Or you could just wait and see if they contact you as the wedding date approaches.  If they think you got an invitation, they will probably contact you a couple weeks before since you didn’t rsvp.

Post # 4
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You are under no obligation to send a gift for a wedding to which you haven’t been invited.  It’s a nice thought, but I can’t imagine anyone would expect one.

I actually received a wedding gift from a friend I did not invite to my wedding…and it made me feel awful.  Why?  Because I already felt bad about not being able to invite everyone I wanted to (due to cost contraints).  We pretty much kept the guest list to just family.  Getting a gift from her only made me feel that much worse about her not being invited.

Post # 5
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with others. I wouldnt send a gift that just makes things akward.

Post # 6
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Gifts aren’t obligations or payback, they are . . . gifts.  They’re something you give to people because they are special to you and because you want to give them something.

If you want to send them a gift, send them a gift.  They are still your friends, right? Maybe the wedding’s small and they couldn’t invite everyone. 

Post # 7
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If they left you off their guest list because of a missing thank you card… well, I think that’s pretty petty.  Which makes me think that’s probably not what happened.  🙂 

They might just be having a small, family affair. But, if they’re having a big blow-out, and it’s weird that you’re left off the list (and other contemporaries are not), then have a friend ask the bride or groom.  I did this for a friend’s wedding, and it turned out that she my invite to my old address and was wondering where my RSVP was. 

As for a gift – if you feel like giving them something, do it.  We received gifts from friends who were not invited to the wedding, and really appreciated them.  However, our wedding was across the country and we invited very few people from where we live, so it wasn’t really awkward like it was for pp’s. 

Post # 9
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Get them a gift because you want to get them a gift.

No, they did not leave you off the guest list because of a lost thank-you note.

See if you can figure out through the grapevine if you were intended to be invited. The friend who called about the bachelor party might be just the guy–a casual “Hey Groom, I called X by mistake–I didn’t realize you weren’t inviting him!” is fine–and either he’ll freak out or he’ll just say, “Yeah, those two didn’t give us a thank-you note, so…” 🙂

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