Husbands friends

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Unfortunately it says a lot about your husband that these are the friends he spends his time with. 

Post # 3
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Have you told him how you feel about his friends? How does he feel about their behavior? I know my DH would have a hard time staying friends with someone who cheats on their spouse, we’ve had it happen in our circle of friends and the guy who cheated has been pretty much “phased out” of our group. 

Post # 4
Member
7671 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

let it go. obviously your husband doesn’t think wives ruin everything.

let them have their locker room talk when it is just the guys.  are they saying something derogatory about you specifically or just wives in general?

Post # 5
Member
4488 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This really has nothing to do with your husband.  My husband was active duty Navy and is in the Naval reserves right now, and he has seen it all from his Navy buddies — cheating, hiring prostitutes, divorce, lack of trust…everything.  yet he is the most trustworthy and loyal man I have ever met.  He tells me about the guys he was close to who got married young and ended up divorced a year or two later because of the guy’s infidelity.  He tells me about the guys in his current unit who are in the process of divorce or who he knows are actively cheating on their SO’s.  Not to be all “look at my friends!”, but to share with me how disgusted he is by their actions.

Your husband is not defined by his friends.  I get that you don’t like them too much however it seems they are here for the long haul.  You can talk to your husband about how don’t like how they talk, however, again…he isn’t defined by them and that doesn’t mean HE is doing all these things.

Post # 6
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry but this really sucks. Remaining best friends with the ones who actively cheat on their wives would be a huge problem for me. Even while trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I feel like who someone chooses to remain friends with and spend their time with says a lot about someone. Again, I’m sorry – I don’t mean to scare you, but a lot of cheating happens when a spouse (can be either gender) starts spending a lot of time with people who are hard partying types or cheaters. I think the only thing you can do is let him know how you feel and any concerns you have. You are definitely correct in being concerned about this. 

Post # 7
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee

rusticchic212 :  You are correct. It doesn’t always happen right away, but bit by bit, things can develop so that someday, it could be a couple of years, a good husband will “evolve” if he is around the wrong group long enough. 

Sad to say, there isn’t much of a way to phase out these friends yourself. That will backfire. Be careful. I agree that who your DH wants in his life says a lot about how he sees himself.

Post # 8
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

DanaWeddingGuest :  yes, unfortuantely, the few people I know of whose marriages ended due to cheating it started because their spouse started hanging out with people who were either big players or outright cheaters. 

Post # 9
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - My parents' back yard

Normally I would say to leave him alone and let him have fun times with his friends, however this is a red flag. Usually people with similar values flock together…DH would never be friends with people like this. I would want to know why he chooses to be friends with people with these values and priorities. Who a person spends their time with says a lot about them.

Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee

There’s a saying in my country: Tell me who you walk with, and I’ll tell you who you are.

Post # 11
Member
4462 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

If he’s hanging out with his friends too much, then I think you can have a conversation about that. But if it’s just occasionally hanging out with his high school buddies, then I think you need to let it go and let him deal with them. My husband is friends with some guys like that, but he’s also not ashamed to vehemently defend marriage, he definitely doesn’t get on the “girls suck” train. I find several of his friends annoying an immature, but he doesn’t hang out with them all that often, so it’s fine. 

And as for the idea that your husband’s friends are a reflection of himself, I don’t necessarily think that applies here. They were his friends since high school, before any marriages or cheating. It’s not as if he has sought out that type of person lately. I’m sure he feels a sense of history with them, despite their recent behavior. DH has a friend like that, who is really a shitty friend and kind of a piece of shit, but who helped DH out a lot years ago, now DH feels a sense of obligation to continue the friendship, even though he has distanced himself significantly. Hopefully your husband will do the same.

Post # 12
Member
4117 posts
Honey bee

If these guys are decently friendly and respectful to you when you’ve been out with them- how do you know about all the ‘marriage sucks’ comments, glorifying the single bachelor life, down-talking wives and marriage, always going on about Vegas and strippers etc when it’s just the guys? It seems odd that your husband would come home and regale you with tales of all the anti-marriage, anti-wives banter, infidelity, and all the pro-bach, pro-Vegas & strippers talk.

I just get an off vibe from this and wonder what he’s playing at. What does he have to gain by lowering your opinion of guys he chooses to call friends and continues to hang out with? How is this supposed to make you feel? Are you supposed to feel gratitude that he shares with you, that he allegedly puts himself above such talk? Is this subtle conditioning to get you to want to play Cool Girl to prove to him/ impress his friends that not all wives are funsucking ball & chains?

I’d just find it really weird to hang out with a bunch of man-bashing anti-marriage women and come home and tell my husband all the negative shit they said over the course of the evening- oh but hey hun, I’m going out with them again.

Post # 13
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My husband has some friends that he grew up with that are like this, and since they’ve known each other forever it’s not easy to just stop being friends with them. However, over the years that we’ve been together, he’s made new friends that are also married or engaged that he shares interests with, and it just seems natural to hang out as couples. 

 Also, I would never be okay with my husband going out to bars while his friends are out looking to cheat on their wives. I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t hang around for that either.

Post # 14
Member
4488 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

rusticchic212 :  Totally disagree.  It appears he is hanging out with them because of his history with them.  You can still be friends with someone and not approve of their choices.  It’s not like all of a sudden he is going to change his own personality just because his friends cheat on their spouses or his friends choose to say awful things about marriage.  What I think will happen is that he will outgrow his friends in due time because he’ll be in a totally different place in his life.  I have one friend who that happened to — I wanted to be close to her but didn’t agree with her decisions in terms of drinking and partying because I had zero interest and that was/probably still is all she did.  I grew out of the friendship.  Her choices didn’t change me whatsoever.

Going back to my husband, he had close friends in the Navy who chose to go out and party and cheat and everything.  He would stay in the barracks because he wanted to have no part in their choices, but of course he heard about it because he was close to them and they worked in close quarters.  Eventually the wives found out and divorced these two dudes.  He was dating a girl from back home and remained loyal to her the entire time.  He still is as loyal as ever now, a number of years later.  These friends literally had no influence on who he was or who he became.

Post # 15
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

ljm308 :  but the situations you are desribing are different from the OP’s current situation. I believe her concerns about her husband hanging out with them are valid. I’m not saying this means OP’s husband is cheating, just that she is right to be concerned. 

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