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How bad is it? If it's something like he was her teacher in high school & they started dating as soon as she graduated, I would probably confront the friend (and/or pry further), because that is creepy & unethical as hell.
If it's just that they're 20 years apart and don't want other people looking down on their relationship, then I don't think that is something that you should be actively looking into or sharing with other people. They can divulge that on their own time.
I feel like I need a bit more information on what the lies are to tell what I would do.
But my gut says I would pry a bit because I don't know that I could stand up in a friend's wedding where I knew they were being untruthful to me about their relationship.
Hard to say without actual details on their ages and how they met, and if it's really that bad.
I always err on the side of "stay out of it," though.
Eh, to be honest, is it that big of a deal? They obviously lied b/c they don't want to be judged, and it sounds like now that you know, that's all you're doing. If they're happy, age is just a number.
I think the teacher thing to me is kinda weird and I'm iffy on the whole thing. The teachers at my Highschool started at the age of 21-22 years old. So If an 18 year old starts dating their techer who is 21-22, I'm like "eh who cares." Now, if she is 18 and he is 40 and was her teacher, that's a tad creepy. IMO!
@mshoagie: That I would confront. As a nurse, and someone whose friends & family are involved in professions with ethical conduct codes (nursing, education, etc.), it makes me sick when adults form relationships with people (often far younger than them) who are in vulnerable situations. : / I know "love knows no bounds", etc., etc. ... and if he didn't teach her, and it was a few years after graduation, then that would be different. But if the timing & previous relationship were such that she was on the bottom end of the power differential very very recently, I would be concerned that he is abusing his position.
ETA: I wish I could change my vote from before; I assumed it was just a harmless relationship with an age differential, because I've seen a few of those. : / Our close family friends are 30 years apart in age, and my cousin's best friend was dating a man 20 years her senior, and I see nothing wrong with that -- as long as one of the two isn't in a position of power (teacher, doctor, nurse, counsellor, etc.).
I would just keep in mind that, short of somebody with a pathological lying condition, everybody has their own important reasons for lying, especially about something big like this. You may not agree or understand them, but to them it may be a huge deal. Just let it go, and either they will or will not disclose things.
And from what I read above, she was his student in high school? While I agree that's a little creepy, I also believe that sometimes people DO find true love in the most undesirable situations. Despite what you think, would you really want to begrude them their happiness because of that? As long as both parties are legal adults, again, just let it go.
I'm curious, how exctly did you become aware of this?
And how old are they really?
OP, maybe you can clarify the situation, because people are now guessing the specifics of it and without the real facts, it's hard to give an opinion.
If you're good enough friends to be in someone's wedding I would flat out ask. Plus I'm sure the friend would like to know so him and his FI don't look like complete idiots by lying continuously while everyone knows the truth.
Unless what they are doing is directly harming you or illegal (in the sense that he is taking advantage of her) then I would keep it to myself.
if no laws were broken and the people involved are legal i dont see why its anyones business
yes if the age gap is huge i would be a bit judgemental but being judgemental says more about me than the other people involved
So I'm assuming you found out through a mutual friend about the lies? Because how I found out would also weigh into whether or not I confront the lying friend.
If you do confront the friend, first figure out if you are OK with the situation or not. Like I would take a position either that I know about the truth, but I'm okay with it and still willing to stand in the wedding this summer OR I heard this rumor and please let me know if it's true because if so I am not comfortable supporting the relationship.
Bottom line, if this is a good friend then your DH should be there for him through rough times and not judge his relationship. But if it's a sham and he's taking advantage of your DH by lying to him about the relationship then your DH has a right to stick up for himself and not be involved in the wedding.
@mshoagie: It's hard to understand exactly what's so bad about this situation without details. Is it the teacher/highschooler thing that jenniphyr said?
Depends on why they are lying. If it's because they don't want to deal with judgment about their age difference, leave them alone. My husband and I are 12 years apart and have sustained our share of judgment. We didn't lie about it, but I do kind of get it.
If it's the high school scenario, I'd probably choose to avoid them, but an 18 year old is legally able to marry (and die for their country, among other things). It's not my personal preference, but it's also none of my business. And my husband and I were together less than a year before we married, so the time doesn't seem particularly odd to me either *shrug*
You never know what goes on in a relationship/marriage. It's just not right to pry about the details of their relationship. You wouldn't demand details about any other relationship before deciding to go to the wedding would you? Lots of people lie about how they mey, think of all the people who meet online and choose not to talk about it, or people who booty called each other for a year in college before dating. They don't have to tell you how they met. As for their ages, they're both consenting adults so I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you were concerned that she was too young legally marry I can see why you would need to know, otherwise it shouldn't matter.
I just wouldn't rock the boat. Go to the wedding if you're going to go and if you find out later they had something shady in their pasts then stop associating with them. It's not like going to their wedding is the same as publicly announcing that you condone all of their actions and life decisions.
Agreed!
Unless what they are doing is illegal, and she is currently underage, I just don't see how its any of your guy's business.
Just so we are clear, nothing is/was illegal in their relationship. Sure it might be creepy to some for a 19 year old to start dating her 31 year old former teacher. But as someone else said, love can be found anywhere. He genuinely loves her, we can see that. And she is wonderful and delightful. So mature we thought she was in her mid-20s.
The issue is that my husband feels like his friend thought so little of him and his friends, that they would pass judgment without getting to know them as a couple. Sure they may have teased the groom to be a little bit, they are guys after all. And yes some may have raised ethical questions in the beginning. But after spending time with them one on one and in a group, you quickly forget the age difference. So again, it’s not their relationship he takes issue with. It’s that he was lied to, and if it weren’t for her maid of honor spilling the beans the other day, none of us would have known.
I would be very upset if one of my best friends (which they obviously are because he is a groomsman) told such a large lie about the woman he is MARRYING. I agree with your husband that it is very hurtful that he felt so little of them that he lied.
I think your husband should let his friend know that he found out the truth and was hurt.
Ok so, she was 19, and he was 31,and she said she was how old at the time? 20, 21?
I mean, its so negligible, it's ridiculous they felt the need to lie. However, like you said yourself, you guys never "got it entirely", and you guys crack jokes at their expense, so that could be why he felt the need to lie. It's such a small lie, to protect himself, and his fiance, and I really don't think your husband needs to make this about him. I don't really think he was betrayed really. If your husband wants to, then yeah bring it up non chalantly, and see what the groom says.
I voted pry a little and let him confess... or just come out and say that you all know. Obviously he lied for a reason and is really uncomfortable with the information, even with his closest of friends. There are things about my relationship that I have never told any of my friends, not because I dont value them and think so little trusting them, but just due to my own insecurities that I would rather keep it private. Her age is not harming anyone or should be an issue in your husbands friendship. I'd say just let the cat out of the bag, put it out in the open, continue to support the relationship, as you say its a great one and carry on, hopefully this will just strengthen all relationships involved and he'll see there was no reason to lie in the first place.
Personally, I do not like to be lied to by close friends, and then continue to act for their game of charades. I would confront my friend, because I am uncomfortable of continuing to act in front of them. Or else I would find myself getting further and further away from them and possibly lose our friendship. But that's me. Some people would say it's none of my business, but to me, it becomes my business when I also have to lie for them. Rather just confront and get it out into the open then pretend and let the friendship fray.
I don't know how to reply to that poll, but he probably realizes that it's creepy that he's marrying a teenager and didn't want his friends or anyone else to judge him. I just don't see what good confronting him or prying would do.
It's not fair of you to "pry". It's really no one's business but theirs, especially since you say nothing illegal was done.
@mshoagie: It may not technically be illegal, but it is likely against his code of ethics as a teacher, considering that she most likely would have BEEN IN SCHOOL when they started "dating" (simply based on her age & the length of their relationship).
That is called coercion, and it is NOT okay.
Don't you think thats a bit of an assumption. We don't even know if he was her teacher, or if they met while he was teaching......
@Cash000: The OP just said that he was, or at least implied it, in her most-recent post.
In this case, it sounds like it's best just letting it go. It's understandable why they'd lie. I have to say, a teacher dating a girl who's still a teenager feels a little wrong to me, but at least it's legal.
@mshoagie: I can totally understand your husband wanting his friend to feel comfortable telling him the truth. He could always approach him like "I heard you guys have been lying about so-and-so's age... You don't have to tell me anything personal but I want you to know you can always tell me the truth and I won't judge you." His friend might appreciate having someone he can be honest around, plus he may as well know that the cat is out of the bag.
The original post kind of read like "we deserve an explanation, we want a confession" but if it's just that you want your friend to feel safe telling you things then I think bringing it up is fine.
If there's nothing illegal going on, then I would probably drop it. I would bring it up if I was going to be supportive. (Ex. The MOH let your FI's real age slip, and I can understand why you would lie so people wouldn't judge you, but it's fine with me and I still support your relationship.) If your husband is just going to make a big deal about his friend lying and potentially hurt the friendship, then I don't think it's worth it. People lie about things all the time for personal reasons, and it's not for others to judge, IMO.
@Moja Milosc: thank you. i didn't originally know how to write the post. but after reading some responses, i realized what i needed to change/focus on. everyone i can talk to is one sided, as they know the people. i wanted to take honest feedback to my husband. so with yours and everyone's elses responses i can lay it all out there for him with a well rounded view. seeing as they have been friends for over 30 years i'm sure if he chooses to approach the friend, they can have a calm, rational conversation.
I agree with this - I think I would approach it more as "So, I recently heard that your wife was a bit younger than I thought; just so you know, it's not my place to judge your relationship, but I'm your friend and you can trust me and rely on me." If she was not a student when they began the relationship, they're now both legal, consenting adults and their relationship is their business, but if word is getting around among his friends, it might be best for a good friend to gently let him know, without demanding an explanation for the lie, so that the couple is aware that they might get some belated backlash.
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I do not like to judge others relationships as not everyone walks the same path. But when you start lying about things, I begin questioning relationships…so here is the deal.
My husband is in one of his best friends wedding this summer. The bride and groom to be have a 10+ year age difference. Thus far, everyone has been very supportive of their one and a half year relationship, even though we don’t get it entirely.
However, it has been recently brought to our attention that this couple has lied about how they met and about how old the future bride really is. The age and the manner in which they met would not have mattered (too much) if they would have been honest from the start. Now this information just feels like the giant elephant in the room.
My husband (and a few other guy friends) is upset that his best friend would lie to him and to keep up this charade for so long. And how long do they plan on lying? After all throwing a 30th surprise party would be a little awkward with the wrong year chosen.
My husband wants to approach his friend about the subject, but I have said we aren’t supposed to know. He did not like this response from me. So I ask you: Should my husband confront his friend? Pry a little and see if he comes out with it on his own? Or do nothing?