Post # 1
I do not like to judge others relationships as not everyone walks the same path. But when you start lying about things, I begin questioning relationships…so here is the deal.
My husband is in one of his best friends wedding this summer. The bride and groom to be have a 10+ year age difference. Thus far, everyone has been very supportive of their one and a half year relationship, even though we don’t get it entirely.
However, it has been recently brought to our attention that this couple has lied about how they met and about how old the future bride really is. The age and the manner in which they met would not have mattered (too much) if they would have been honest from the start. Now this information just feels like the giant elephant in the room.
My husband (and a few other guy friends) is upset that his best friend would lie to him and to keep up this charade for so long. And how long do they plan on lying? After all throwing a 30th surprise party would be a little awkward with the wrong year chosen.
My husband wants to approach his friend about the subject, but I have said we aren’t supposed to know. He did not like this response from me. So I ask you: Should my husband confront his friend? Pry a little and see if he comes out with it on his own? Or do nothing?
Post # 3
How bad is it? If it’s something like he was her teacher in high school & they started dating as soon as she graduated, I would probably confront the friend (and/or pry further), because that is creepy & unethical as hell.
If it’s just that they’re 20 years apart and don’t want other people looking down on their relationship, then I don’t think that is something that you should be actively looking into or sharing with other people. They can divulge that on their own time.
Post # 4
@Jenniphyr: your first instinct is correct.
Post # 5
I feel like I need a bit more information on what the lies are to tell what I would do.
But my gut says I would pry a bit because I don’t know that I could stand up in a friend’s wedding where I knew they were being untruthful to me about their relationship.
Post # 6
Hard to say without actual details on their ages and how they met, and if it’s really that bad.
I always err on the side of “stay out of it,” though.
Post # 7
Eh, to be honest, is it that big of a deal? They obviously lied b/c they don’t want to be judged, and it sounds like now that you know, that’s all you’re doing. If they’re happy, age is just a number.
Post # 8
I think the teacher thing to me is kinda weird and I’m iffy on the whole thing. The teachers at my Highschool started at the age of 21-22 years old. So If an 18 year old starts dating their techer who is 21-22, I’m like “eh who cares.” Now, if she is 18 and he is 40 and was her teacher, that’s a tad creepy. IMO!
Post # 9
@mshoagie: That I would confront. As a nurse, and someone whose friends & family are involved in professions with ethical conduct codes (nursing, education, etc.), it makes me sick when adults form relationships with people (often far younger than them) who are in vulnerable situations. : / I know “love knows no bounds”, etc., etc. … and if he didn’t teach her, and it was a few years after graduation, then that would be different. But if the timing & previous relationship were such that she was on the bottom end of the power differential very very recently, I would be concerned that he is abusing his position.
ETA: I wish I could change my vote from before; I assumed it was just a harmless relationship with an age differential, because I’ve seen a few of those. : / Our close family friends are 30 years apart in age, and my cousin’s best friend was dating a man 20 years her senior, and I see nothing wrong with that — as long as one of the two isn’t in a position of power (teacher, doctor, nurse, counsellor, etc.).
Post # 10
I would just keep in mind that, short of somebody with a pathological lying condition, everybody has their own important reasons for lying, especially about something big like this. You may not agree or understand them, but to them it may be a huge deal. Just let it go, and either they will or will not disclose things.
And from what I read above, she was his student in high school? While I agree that’s a little creepy, I also believe that sometimes people DO find true love in the most undesirable situations. Despite what you think, would you really want to begrude them their happiness because of that? As long as both parties are legal adults, again, just let it go.
Post # 11
I’m curious, how exctly did you become aware of this?
And how old are they really?
Post # 12
OP, maybe you can clarify the situation, because people are now guessing the specifics of it and without the real facts, it’s hard to give an opinion.
Post # 14
If you’re good enough friends to be in someone’s wedding I would flat out ask. Plus I’m sure the friend would like to know so him and his Fiance don’t look like complete idiots by lying continuously while everyone knows the truth.
Post # 15
Unless what they are doing is directly harming you or illegal (in the sense that he is taking advantage of her) then I would keep it to myself.