Husband's Reaction Post-Miscarriage

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

As you say, neither of you are wrong.

Miscarriages are normal… and what choice do you have but to move on? Your husband is just less emotional about it… and that’s ok.

*Hugs*!!!

Post # 4
Hostess
9907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@taryn211:  First – I have no first hand experience on this (never been pregnant). 

Second – HUGE HUGS – so sorry you’re going through this.

I think, that for your husband, it’s one of two things. 

1. It may not have been as real for him as for you.  Many of the fathers I know say it isn’t real until they see the baby on the ultrasound or feel the baby kick, hear the heartbeat etc.  All those tangible things – where for you, you could feel him/her, you knew he/she was there.

2. Maybe he just doesn’t want to tell you how much he’s hurting.  My FH has a hard time opening up about feelings, he tries to ‘be a man’ and hold it all in.  Your husband may be trying to be strong for you and not let you know how much he’s really hurting as well.

 

I hope you do get pregnant again soon, I know lots of people who miscarried the first time and went on to have happy healthy babies 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@taryn211: First of all, I’m sorry for your loss.  I have not experienced a miscarriage, so I can’t say I know how you feel at all.  I do understand though, the difference between a man expecting a baby and a woman expecting a baby.  From the moment we see a positive urine pregnancy test, we are MOTHERS.  We nurture the budding life with our own bodies, and love our babies right away.

A dad becomes a dad when his baby is born.  When he SEES his own child.  It’s just different.

I’m not saying guys don’t get excited at all or acknowledge the pregnancy, and sometimes it hits them when they see an ultrasound or feel a kick… I’m just saying that it doesn’t happen the same way for them as it does for us.  I’m betting his grief is simply a reflection of that.

Post # 6
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

 My DH and I grieved completely different after my MC. I was very similar to you that it was very consuming. It felt like my DH wasn’t really affected by it, now looking back he just handled it more internal and seemed to move on much faster. I will be honest that the time after my mc almost destroyed our marriage.

As time went on I talked to others that had gone through a MC and dealt with my sadness before I could take on dealing with it as a couple. Once I was in a better place we were able to get to a better place. I cannot say there aren’t times that I still think about it and resent my husband about how things went during that time, or that I am not still so incredibly sad about it and to some degree tramatized (I passed naturally at home and that is something I will never get out of my mind). But it does get better.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 7
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@taryn211:  Everyone deals with these things differently. You need to remember that he didn’t carry the baby at all inside of him – this is why mothers are usually attached to their child before birth, and men get attached the first time they hold them. He should be a little more sensitive to you though. I think you should talk to a woman you trust about this to get some more much needed support. I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully your husband will understand once you do have children.

Post # 8
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

I think some men are more emotional than others. There are some men who connect immediately when told their wife/gf is pregnant. Others don’t seem to “get it” until you are showing (my lovely SO) and some still don’t “get it” until the baby pops out.

I would think it is easier for him because he was not the one carrying the child. I know I was attached as soon as I found out at 4 weeks! SO would have probably had the same reaction yours did until a week ago..and even if it happened today (17w) I highly doubt he would outwardly grieve-he just isn’t like that.

Post # 9
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@taryn211:  It’s scary how similar our situations are. I discovered my baby wasn’t growing at 10w1d and had a D&C on the last day of November. I still cry a few times a week about it even though I’ve had more time to move on.

Regarding your husbands reaction, I just think that they don’t have the same emotional connection that we have. I had 3 US at the point I’d discovered the MC and this was my baby at this point. He has arms, legs, a heartbeat and it wasn’t just a foetus. It’s very hard for them to understand that. To me, i feel I will always look back and remember this baby no matter how many children I may have in the future.

Im glad you have a momento box. It’s good to remember your baby in some way. Maybe do something like plant a tree and involve your husband. This might help him gain some insight into where you’re at and it will help you remember your LO. Xxx

Post # 10
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@taryn211:  It may be too hard for him to think about it, so he just doesn’t. That doesn’t mean he is over it yet either. Men process emotions differently than women. DH and I went through a miscarriage in the first month we were dating. That is how he reacted. He didn’t talk about it or show much emotion. At that time I wanted him to show more emotion and be upset like I was but now I know that is just how he is and how he deals with things.

Post # 11
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

All the PP’s have pretty much said what I was thinking when I read your post.

My husband is the sweetest, most gentle guy ever, and I know he would say the exact same thing if put in the same situation. Some guys just internalize the pain, because they don’t want us to be upset and they think if they show their emotions ours will spill out tenfold. He is probably grieving in his own way, or, it might not even have ‘hit’ him yet.

I’m very sorry for your loss *hugs*

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@taryn211:  As a PP poster said – neither one of you are “wrong”.  I think it’s hard for some people- even women who are pregnant- to identify with thier baby- or feel close to thier unborn baby.  Other people instantly form an attachment or “bond” with thier tiny baby.

I don’t know exactly how to say this without sounding insensitive– but I was not really attached to my son while he was in the womb.  He was born seven weeks early- and when we realized he was coming, no matter what- it all happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to worry about him being born early.  Now the moment I saw him- it was all over.  I was obsessed, and I still am to this day (he’s five years old).  

 

Even though your husband is the father of your passed baby, and I’m sure he was upset about what happened– and I’m sure he cares a ton, because if he didn’t – he would not have been supportive towards you— but I wouldn’t blame a male (I’m not sexist, but males can’t carry babies)– for not feeling quite as emotional about the while experience.

I think each person handles grief differently.  If you think he shouldn’t be over it yet, he might be wondering why you are NOT over it yet, ya know?

 

As long as you are both supportive of eachother in general, I think it’s totally OK for each of you to handle a situation differently.

 

I’m really sorry for your loss.  XO

Post # 13
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@taryn211:  So sorry for your loss!  But good job at not starting a fight with your husband when he gave that response!

Being a woman, and actually having the baby growing inside of you automatically makes you more attached to it than your husband.  The dads I know emotionally bonded to their babies when they felt the baby kick, or not until they held their babies. I’m sure your husband loved that you were pregnant, and looked forward to being a dad, but wasnt in that mindset yet. 

Post # 14
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry for your loss. 

But, be thankful you lost as early as you did.  A friend/co-worker of mine lost her baby full-term and had to deliver a stillborn baby.  That isn’t something I wish on anyone. If it were Sophie’s choice, I’d lose earlier in the pregnancy. It’s eaiser to get over. I’ve seen her suffer for the past year.  BUT She successfully got pregnant not too long after delivering the stillborn.  She suffered during her entire pregnancy. In and out of the hospital, paranoid that this one was going to die also.  She ended up having a healthy baby, a few weeks early, c-section.  

The moral of this is, you’ll think about it, yes…but you will need to let it go and get over something like this. It wasn’t a full-term baby…don’t take that the wrong way, but you didn’t have to bury a baby.  You WILL get pregnant again, and your husband is right.  Embrace that. Don’t give yourself stress over it or you may cause yourself too much and have problems getting pregnant, slip into depression…etc.  

Hugs. 

 

Post # 15
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@taryn211:  Let me start by saying that I am sorry for your family’s loss. Sometimes things happen and there are no reasons to explain why. I wish I could give you answers or bring you comfort.

Your DH’s words don’t mean that he doesn’t care – it simply means he is grieving differently than you are. He didn’t have the same physical connection to the baby that you did and that can sometimes make it difficult for the father/other parent to have an emotional connection. It is only natural that you, as the mom, would have a stronger emotional connection from the very starts (although that isn’t always the case).

Its also possible that he has put his own grief to the side in order to help you through your’s. And its possible that helping you with your grief allowed him to work through his somehow – I find that when I’m upset it can be easier for me to deal with it if I have something to focus my attention on.

I’m sure your Husband didn’t mean to upset you. He may have thought it would bring you comfort to think about the possibility of trying again. Sometimes people don’t know what to say or how to react when faced with grief.

Just a side note, my neighbors suffered a miscarriage about 3 years ago. I know because I watched their house for them and returned the key right after they found out. She was sobbing hysterically in another room and her husband was calm as could be as he accepted the key and quickly saw me out (she messaged me privately later on). He pretty much went into crisis mode to help make sure she was ok and thats why it seemed like he wasn’t grieving; he was, he just didn’t have the time to focus on himself when she was in such a bad emotional state. They got pregnant a few months later and their beautiful little girl turns two this year – and you couldn’t ask for a happier or more loving set of parents.

 

Post # 16
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling right now and want to tell you that any emotion you have about it is 100% correct. You’re grieving and will continue to do so in your own way. 

With that said, without going into details- I had a miscarriage a few months into our marriage which spurred a series of events that lead to a brief seperation from my husband. The way he handled it was so heartbreaking for me in that moment, I couldn’t even sleep in the same house as him. Now that I am over the hump of the grieving process, I feel a bit ashamed about how I reacted to him. Because, the bottom line is- he was grieving too. Just because it was in a VERY different way than I chose to deal with our loss didn’t make him a bad person. I struggled with it for a very long time, but decided we were better together. Even in this instance. 

It’s hard not to be consumed by baby when you are the one growing it. I understand now that my husband couldn’t relate the same way I could because it wasn’t in his face 24/7. He could get through the day without puking breakfast, or side twinges, or smells giving him migraines. He was able to compartmentalize the pregnancy, so when we lost our baby, it didn’t soak into every area of his life like it did mine. 

Take care of yourself but don’t forget to take care of each other in this time. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel, but try not to judge his honest response back. Through the sadness, try to find an understanding and come together to move forward in a timeline you are both comfortable with. 

I wish you all the best in this healing time. 

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