Post # 1
My husband and I are planning a BBQ with some friends, family, and coworkers. We just recently remodeled our kitchen and have done alot throughout the rest of our home (replaced light fixtures, painted, purchased new furniture, etc.) We’re really excited to host a BBQ for the first time since moving into our house!
However, my husband has a female friend he works with whom I cannot stand. She’s an attention wh%&# who is inappropriate around my husband (she pulls him off to the side, just the two of them, insists on being his partner in games, sits next to him whenever possible, etc.) But, it’s nothing blatantly obviously inappropriate. Just stuff that annoys the crap out of me. She’s also subtly rude to me, again, nothing blatant but enough to show her dislike.
I’ve talked to my husband but because nothing is really blatant, he thinks I’m overreacting. Out of respect to me, we rarely are around her. The problem at hand is that she’s a coworker and he’s planning to invite his “team” of coworkers (about 12 people) to this BBQ… she’s on that “team”. He doesn’t feel as though he can exclude her and doesn’t want to.
I agree that it’d be awkward to invite everyone but her (and it’d be very obvious). We all enjoy the company of the other people on the team and don’t want to just not invite coworkers (it’s pretty common for them to have cookouts and invite each other, we’ve been to several so far this summer and have several more on the calendar).
What would you guys suggest?
Post # 3
@apex: Just invite her, and tell him to steer clear of her. Let her be a beesnatch, but if she steps over the line I’d say something! Maybe if you are setting a table you can seat her on the other side of the table 😛
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
If not inviting her isn’t an option, you need to tell your husband that he needs to stick up for you– when she wants to be his partner for a game, he needs to say he already has one (you!); when she tries to pull him aside, he needs to stay with the group. Even if he thinks you’re overreacting that’s ok– he needs to respect your feelings and be ok with it.
Post # 5
Yeah, you really can’t not invite her if all the other coworkers are invited. Just do what you would with any guest you weren’t crazy about – grit your teeth and smile.
p.s. It sounds like it’s less about your husband having a female friend, and more about him having THIS female friend, am I right?
Post # 6
I’m glad to hear your husband has at least tried to now be around her as much. But she is very rude and inappropiate. Trying to always sit next to a married man is highly inappropiate in my opinion. I mean if just happens by chance then whatever no big deal but she seems to be over stepping her boundries. I can see my SO having the same reaction are your husband, not thinking it’s a big deal but I think you need to point things out to him and ask him if he would be comfortable with some single guy acting that way with you. See how he would feel is the table was turned.
Post # 7
@juliette.eliza: Totally agree!
I don’t think you can NOT invite her. But you really need to tell your DH that she does some “shady” things and you aren’t happy with it. He needs to be there for you not her. On the flip side, you could always go out of your way to be BFFs with her….if you can stand it 😉
Post # 8
@SaucyMcgee: I like the idea of some informal seating arrangements!
There are so many cute-sy things you can find online now with Pinterest and fun backyard BBQ ideas that having a little table pre-set with some cute place cards wouldnt be obviously ” get the eff away from my husband” but set some boundaries!
Also- I wouldn’t say anything to her unless it just gets out of hand! If you’re planning corn-hole games or other couple games, it seems like YOU would be the obvious partner for your husband or one of his work buddies ( if it were guys vs girls)
Post # 9
@mightywombat: I agree, normal female friends do not act this way. So I think OP has a problem with this particular woman.
Post # 10
@apex: I wish I had good advice for you. My DH has a friend from college who does the same garbage, and was especially hateful towards me the day we announced our engagement. It hurts that he can’t see how terribly she treats / treated me. I wish he would dump this zero so I never had to see her face again, but I can’t ask him to not be her friend. Grr. I hope you find a palateable solution to your issue.
Post # 11
PDA it up with the husband? lol
That really stinks. I guess it would be too blatant to disclude her. Just stand your ground, and make it known to her through body language that hes yours and she needs to take a hike. This isn’t middle school, but adulthood and she needs to learn.
Post # 12
Haven’t we all been there? So frustrating.
I agree if all the co-workers are invited then she should be included. Just do your best to avoid her while being civil and the day should go smoothly. For other circumstances I think not having her around is probably the best option if she really frustrates you this much.
In my situation there was a co-worker that was inappropriate with my now DH and way too flirtatious and touchy feely. She also did those little thins to belittle me that any man would overlook. After a frank conversation my DH was much more aware of what was happening and actually confessed he then noticed it too. So perhaps your husband will eventually see what you are talking about now that he is aware of the situation.
Post # 13
Definitely about him having THIS female friend. There are a few other ladies on his team that would be coming and they’re all wonderful. There’s one who tells me all the time how wonderful my husband is and that I should hang on tight and I don’t mind her one bit. She doesn’t overstep boundaries or disrespect me, in fact, we hang out one-on-one occasionally.
I doubt we’d do any kind of seating, although I have seen some cute BBQ stuff on Pinterest!! We just have one small patio table and then our dining room table, and a fold up table that we’re planning to set up. It’s going to be really informal, just a drop by when you can, stay as long as you’d like kind of thing.
What I’m most worried about is that we’ll have our hot tub open for people to stick their feet in (or get in if they really wanted) and I know she’s planning to get in the hot tub. She’s been talking about it ever since we got the hot tub, that she wants to come over and get in it and stuff. I already told my husband that if she gets in, he really should get out or not get in at that point. (In our discussions about this girl, he always asks me to give him examples of what stuff upsets me so that he can try to steer clear if he can without being rude.)
She’s just really frustrating. She threw us a wedding shower at his office and sat in between he and I! That’s the kind of weird stuff she does. 🙁
Post # 15
@apex: Oh NO…a hot tub??? This doesn’t sound good…can you possibly not have it on considering the number of guests you are having? I read this thread to DH and he said “under no circumstances should your DH even think about going near the hot tub that night if he knows what’s good for him.”
Post # 16
Nope, nope, nope. Unacceptable. Up until the hot tub part I was like, ok, she’s just annoying and an attention whore. I would lose it if some girl, co worker or not, made me feel uncomfortable in my own home with my own husband. And then the sitting in between at the shower? Unnecessary. Just say, “Hey, B, you’re kind of ruining my bbq buzz right now, so get lost.” In a nice way. If she gets offensive, ESPECIALLY since other people have noticed, then you know she’s doing it for a shady reason. Nope. She has to go.
This really irked me for some reason!!!