Post # 1
A common issue couples encounter when planning their wedding is the need to downsize their guest list. Etiquette normally states that you have to be consistent with your guest list, ex: the “all or none” rule when it comes to family members or +1s. However, I think we’ve all encountered situations where we’ve received an invitation to something that we really didn’t want to attend. So is it acceptable to not send an invitation to someone if you think they wouldn’t be interested? A cousin you’re not close with, even if you invite all of your other ones? Basically a mutual obligatory relationship. You don’t care if they show up or not, and they don’t care that you’re getting married. Is it an acceptable way to cut the guest list?
Post # 3
This is such a tricky question and I’m in the same boat! I’m thinking of just not sending an invite for these obligations…I have a few great aunts and uncles who I’m close with, but some of their kids have branched off and rarely come to family events. I don’t even know their children’s names! At first I felt the need to invite them, but I’m glad I didn’t! I think you should invite people that you really want to be a part of your celebration 🙂
Post # 4
This is a very interesting post and an issue that I’m currently going back and forth with.
I currently live 10,00 miles away from my family and haven’t seen the majority of my Mother’s side since 2009. However, I still keep intouch with some of my cousins via Facebook. One particular cousin, I have not had contact with since 2009, even though I have tried to “bury the hatchet” on several occasions. I will not be inviting her to our wedding – it is her choice that we do not remian in contact. Will be however inviting the rest of the family.
Do I feel bad for this? No. Do I feel sad. Yes.
Post # 5
I only invited people I really wanted there. Literally zero out of compromise. So far I haven’t heard of any broken hearts.
Post # 6
@Aquaria: No. That person would still feel slighted and even hurt or confused, likely wondering what they did to offend the couple.
Post # 7
@Aquaria: I have a handfull of relatives who I’m not close to and am not inviting. We just don’t have the space or money for every last person. I don’t feel bad and they don’t care.
Post # 8
If you don’t think they would want to come, I would probably send it anyway so that they don’t get offended. They can always decline.
Post # 9
Our rule for invitations was that we had to BOTH know everyone invited. We only wanted people there who had supported us through our relationship, and we didn’t think our wedding was a place for introductions. Then again, we had a very small wedding (60 people invited, I think 50 came) but I don’t think you should feel obligated to invite people You aren’t close to. Good luck, I know the guest list is stressful!
Post # 10
My husbands mother had 26 siblings (2 moms, one dad), there was no way we could even invite all the aunts, uncles and cousins. We simply had to just choose who we wanted there. I do feel badly if someones feelings were hurt but at the end of the day, you do what you have to do.
Post # 11
We aren’t doing that. Even if they wouldn’t care someone else might. For example one Aunt can see anothers grown children at the wedding and feel offended that there children weren’t invited. Because of that we are inviting people we don’t think will come, but it’s just the cost of an invitation. Not worth potential hurt feelings.
Post # 12
Yeah, you might have to send out those courtesy invites and hope that they decline. Even if they didn’t want to go to begin with, you might piss people off if you don’t invite them
Post # 13
That’s what FI and I are doing. We want our hands clean. No “you didn’t invite your poor auntie whom you haven’t talked to since you were in highschool” for us. We know they won’t come anyway.
Post # 14
I am sure we hurt some feelings because both FI’s parents and my mom have a lot of siblings. His Mom is 1 of 18, Dad 1 of 12 and my Mom 1 of 8!
But most of our family and friends were understanding that we wanted to keep it immediate family and close friends. In you situation, if you are inviting all the cousins but the one, I would probably send the invite anyways as to not single them out.
Post # 15
@Aquaria: My FI and I had to cut the guest list (his portion) that way – even with me including all of our mutual friends on my half. His family is very large and spread out all over the country. So far, his mom and stepmom (his dad remarried when FI was very young so he’s close with her family as well) are okay with who we’ve cut and we have moved those family members and friends to an “announcement only” list. We hadn’t anticipated the wedding annoucements and they are an extra expense, but it’s certainly cheaper than a larger head count!
Post # 16
I’m not following that idea. I told my parents right off the bat that we would only be inviting family we talk to on a consistant basis. I don’t want to invite people that haven’t been around and that I don’t know. On my bio dads side i’m inviting him and my stepmom, her kids and my great aunt. No one else from his side has ever bothered to have a relationship with me so i’m not sending them an invitation just to be polite. lol My only exception is my moms bio dad and aunt and uncle. I used to spend a lot of time with them when I was a kid and they always still send me cards for holidays/bdays, ect. But i also know that neither one will come since they both live in St. Louis. i think etiquette is a nice idea, but it doesn’t always work out for everyone…and since we’re the ones paying for the wedding…we’re doing it our way 🙂