Post # 1
Hi to everyone!
I’m a new bee, but I have been reading your posts for a while now. It’s really nice to see how you ladies support each other during tough times and how sincerely happy you’re when something good happens to one of you. I really need your opinion or advice on my situation as I cannot talk about it to anyone else at the moment.
I’ve been with my BF for about 3.5 years. We’re not engaged, but have been talking about our future and kids for at least 6 months. He wants to have at least 2 kids and I really don’t mind it. The only issue is that I have PCOS and, although there are a lot of different ways to get pregnant nowadays, there is still a chance I would not be able to have babies. So, couple of days ago, during one of our conversations, I asked him a “hypothetical” question: “Do you still want to be with me (marry me) even if I might not have kids?”.. His reply was “I haven’t thought about it. I don’t know”. I asked him to think and let me know, because it’s important to me. Finally, I found out that his “I don’t know” meant “Right now, yes, I want to be with you no matter what, but I don’t know how I would feel about it in future (let’s say 10-15 years).”
Ladies, I’m not really sure what to think about it yet. I appreciate his honest answer, but at the same time, for some reason, it hurts. What would you do(think) if your SO told you this? Would you be upset or I’m overanalyzing and that was not a biggie? I really appreciate your advices.
Post # 3
*hugs* I am sorry sorry you have to go through this.the question is do you really want to be with someone that isnt sure if they want to be with you forever? someone that would make a comment like that? I have endometriosis and might not be able to have kids either and my SO knew about it shortly after were started dating, during a conversation about the future I asked him about it and he said it didnt matter to him that he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what and that there are ways around the problem(adoption if need be). If he had said it was a problem then we wouldnt still be together because I couldnt spend the rest of my life with someone who cant accept me for who I am health problems and all. Could he really be serious about the “in sickness and in health” part of the vow if you did get married? PCOS is an ilness after all
Post # 4
He does need to figure out exactly what he means. But if you can’t have kids naturally, you might still be able to with infertility treatments, and if not that then surrogacy, and if not that then adoption. So I think the real question is “do you both want children” and “do you love each other enough to put up with some possible struggles in getting there?” Not to breeze over it, and I’m sure fertility problems are heartbreaking, as is the realization that you will not be able to have your own biological children, but it seems to me that finding a life mate is a harder struggle than finding a child. So I would talk to your doctor and find out more information, but ultimately I don’t think this should be the issue that leads to you getting married or breaking up. Just my opinion, obviously, and others may feel differently.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t go through with a wedding unless we had premarital counseling and addressed this.
Post # 6
I think you have an honest, mature man and you should appreciate that. There are plenty of people whose dreams and “what’s important” change drastically over the course of a couple years, let alone 10-15 years. From what I understand, he’s saying that he can’t say what he’ll feel like about it that far out, but he knows that you’re what he wants now. I think that a man who is intelligent and put-together enough to recognize that he can’t guarantee that his desire for a family won’t shift, and has enough concern and respect for you to not gloss over his inability to see the future and just promise you that everything’s going to be sunshiny, is worth holding on to. Definitely keep talking about everything, but I don’t see any reason for this to raise any red flags.
One thing though: you seem like you would rather not have kids. If that’s the case, you need to be open about it.
Is adoption not an option for his family needs to be met?
Post # 7
Thank you everyone for replying. I really appreciate it.
@miss sparkly cat: That’s the question I’m asking myself, though I think sometimes men just tell us what we want to hear. I understand why he said that, he just took this question seriously. I would love it to be forever and ever, but I’m being realistic – “nothing is forever” sounds about right.
@LittleSu: We have talked about adoption, he said it’s not an option for him ..now. He would want to have kids of his own, BUT he said he doesn’t know if he would think about it differently in future. I do want to have a baby with this man, it just puts a lot of pressure on me knowing that even though I could try very hard and do what’s needed, there still can be a day coming, when he says something like: “I’m sorry honey, I do really want to have kids and that’s very unfortunate you cannot give them to me”.
Post # 8
This is something that needs to be discussed before tying the knot. i have asked my husband the same thing several times before we were married – i am unaware of anything that would keep me from having children but people take that for granted and you just never know. I think you really need to get a straight answer from him, if you want kids and we cant physically have them are you opposed to addoption? or surrogate mother?
My co-worker and his wife were having trouble having kids – they have been married for almost 4 years and were really struggling to get pregnant from the start. she has PCOS. well last summer they started some treatments and within 2 months of starting the treatment they were pregnant and have a little boy due in july – so dont give up hope, modern medicine is amazing!
i hope your boyfriend realizes that there is still a chance for kids even with your PCOS and even if you cant have them yourself adoptions is always a great option – i’ve thought about it many times and i would condier adoption even if i can have kids – what a great feeling to love a child and give them a home they never dreamed of having.
Post # 9
In all honesty, children are more important to some people than others and even if he told you now that he could get over wanting children he would be telling you what you wanted to hear but may not be accurate. I have seen people change thier feelings about children as they aged and advanced careers in both directions. I also see a couple close to me really struggling after 4 years of trying and not having a child. They have discussed divorce as a result of the inability to have children together and they don’t even know what the cause of their infertility is but it’s hard for one person in the relationship to accept the fact that they won’t be a parent and that was not something either of them could have predicted when they got married. They are not going through treatments and have been investigating adoption as an option.
I think you should be happy he’s not saying what you want to hear but being honest with you and need to decide if you want to continue with this relationship based on knowing that starting a family naturally may not be possible but is important to him. Have you condiered the option of adoption?
Post # 10
I know some people are worried they won’t love an adopted child as much as oe sharing tehir own genes. I can’t see this as being true for me, and am considering it for myself should I get tot eh point where kids are an option (kinda need to be married first, and that’s taking forever).
I think that while it hurts, it’s good to get this out now and not after you’ve been married 5-10 years. Also, it’s good to remember that medical technology today might improve plenty by the time you guys ARE ready for kids. Maybe you should see about preserving eggs and spem now, if that’s feasible and affordable, just in case that’s something that could he;p for the future? There’s no guarantee all HIS parts will be working at 100%, either, by the time you guys want to conceive.
Post # 11
I know there are a lot of different ways of treatments, and he actually was the first one to talk about it, saying it should not be a problem nowadays with the medicine we currently have. I understand everything he says, it’s logical, but it still hurts somewhere inside.
As I mentioned before, he doesn’t want to adopt a baby, but as he also said, he might think differently in couple of years.
Post # 12
I would feel hurt as well. My opinion is that if his answer is no then your better off without him. But also, I hope that he can understand that you really can’t tell the future..Just live for today and be happy with eachother. Children might be the least of your worries in the future.. no one knows..
Post # 13
@Isilme: I agree 100%
how would he feel if his parts didnt work and you had said this to him? it sound like he needs to learn to be realistic about this situation no one is guaranteed the ability to have kids. I think you need to tell him that what he said hurt you and have a serious talk about it. I hope everything works out for you and dont give up until you try everything you can if a baby is what you want
Post # 14
Thank you, ladies! I really appreciate your opinions. I will still need to make a final decision and I hope it will be the right one, but it was really nice to see what other people think about your situation.
Post # 15
Hey i have PCOS too, and that was an issue that came up when we got engaged. Childern are really important to my FI so the conversation was a little nerve racking for me. Have you talked with a doctor? Mine started me on a different BC that can help. It isnt a guarntee but it migh tbe worth a shot. As for your BF did he know about the PCOS when you guys started talking about this 6 months ago? I didnt tell mine right away and that was most of his problem…(he also had the same reaction “I don’t know”) Maybe BF just needs to process the information? Does he understand what PCOS is? I have found the more open we are the better. Best of luck.
Post # 16
@hisgoldfish: were you in pain? I dont know if its anything like endometriosis but if it is I could have never been able to hide it I had to tell my boyfriend because I was in so much pain one day after we had been dating a few months he thought I was dying or something