Post # 1
So I got home late last night and found an RSVP on the mail. I was excited to open it and found it was from my FI biological dad. Prior to this FI dad volunteered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and we were so grateful to this. As I opened the envelop I was so shock to find out he declined and not just declined but cross out the line where it says regrettably. You see our we have the word “We regrettably declined”. It was like a slap in the face and my blood boiled after seeing this envelop.
Let me explain to you how their relationship is. When FI was about 3 years his mom and dad divorce, he went to live with his mom. His mom remarried this wonderful man that became FI ‘real dad’ and who raise him and molded him until he was 16. He was a great father to him and has always been there for him more than his own biological father. When his stepdad and his mom divorce FI chose to go back to his biological dad because his mom became very abusive and FI stepdad even had to arrange it so FI can sneak out and go to his biological dad to live with him. Unfortunately his stepdad can’t take him because he is only 16 that time and he needs to live with his one of his biological parent. Living with his biological dad wasn’t easy for him too, although he is not abusive as his mom he was never really there and he never became a real father figure to him. In fact he used to smoke weed in front of him and drink a lot he was never a good example to his own son. I even had a taste of his biological dad attitude, when we started out FI was still living with his dad because he was trying to finish his engineering degree, I would spend the night and the following morning we would see eviction notice on his bedroom door from his dad kicking him out and threatening to call the police on him when he never even did anything. This is the kind of stuff that his dad would do. Also on his graduation day after 7 years of school he never did do anything for his son, non of his relatives (aunts, uncles and cousin) even called to congratulate him. When we went to their parties and 2 of his cousins wedding and that was after his graduation no one congratulated him and no one even acknowledge he graduated in fact no one really tries to talk to us and we felt so left out.
Now I was trying to figure out a reason why his dad did this and it came on me that FI probably forgot to greet his dad Happy Father’s day. I spoke to FI right now and eh told me was so surprise his dad sent this. He told me another incident that happen last Sunday, apparently his aunt called and told him they were having a father’s day dinner that night, she called 2 hours before the actual dinner and FI didn’t even get the message until after a few hours later bec he was sleeping. FYI this aunt never called him before and he has no relationship with her whatsoever. So he didn’t really bother calling them back to let them know he couldn’t come (FI is really bad with responding to things like this and I always have to remind him to callback people that leaves him messages, he acknowledge it and promise he will try harder). However I don’t think this is still enough reason for his biological father to do this. In a way I feel so bad for FI and so insulted that it wasn’t enough for his dad to say he’s not coming that he has to intentionally cross out the word ‘regrettably’. I feel this is so childish and so mean of him to do this.
I still feel so mad right now and I’m feeling really bad to FI. I feel he is so unlucky to have parents like them. He is a good guy and did achieve good things in his life. He is only 27 and has an aerospace engineering degree; he has money save in the bank for our wedding and to buy a new house for us. Instead of his parents being proud of him this is how they treat him. He hasn’t seen his mom for 10 years and she never tried to contact him. We don’t know if she even knows we are getting married. He is the only son of both his parents. We are expecting a wedding with around 130 guests with FI having only 15 people on his family side. Now that this happened only 3 people from his side would probably go and the 2 might even change their mind last minute too. Only person that will probably there is his stepmom (his stepdad new wife, his stepdad is in the hospital now for 3 years because of a bad motorcycle accident so he couldn’t go)
FI already called his dad and left message to fix things up but his dad never called him back. Do you think this is right? I’m I being unreasonable mad? I want to call his dad and put some sense on his head, do u think I should do this. Please advice me on the best way to handle this.
Post # 3
I think you need to stop expecting this man to be something he cannot be.
Post # 4
I would be upset too. It’s frustrating to watch this happen and not be able to do anything. I think all you can do at this point is distance yourself from the dad. This is who he is, and he probably won’t change. If he’s willing to miss his only childs wedding because of a dinner, then he has bigger issues. Be there for your fiance, but don’t get in the middle of it by calling the dad.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I wouldn’t call his dad. That will likely just fuel the fire. It’s sad, but it sounds like your FI already knows most of his family isn’t supportive. At least he has step parents who can adqeuately show their love for him. I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this, but I really think the best solution would be to not have them there– it’s obvious they’re toxic people anyway; do you really want them tainting your memories?
Post # 6
His dad sounds like an ass. And if he would seriously not go to his son’s wedding because he didn’t get a damn Father’s Day card, you are both better off without him in your life.
Post # 7
That is just horrible. I am sorry that your FI is going through this. I dont understand how some men can just disregard their kids feelings and needs no matter how old they are. He is very blessed to have such a lovely lady in his life to comfort him.
I really have no advice but I am going to say is that your FI called his dad, there is not much he can do if he wont call him back. 🙁
Post # 8
That is such a hurtful thing to do! It is definitely childish and mean to cross out “regrettably.” It must be difficult for you to watch the man you love get treated like this.
I don’t think you should try to call the guy, because 1) he probably WANTS to provoke you guys, and 2) he’ll probably just be rude and hurtful to you. I know you want to stand up for your FI, but putting yourself in the middle of all this drama is not going to help him – it will just set you up to be hurt by this man. I know it’s hard to imagine a wedding with so few family members, but do you even want someone at your wedding who behaves the way this guy does? I would just try to let it go and focus on the fact that your FI is now becoming part of YOUR family.
Post # 9
OMG I am so sorry that your FI has such horrible parents. I am sure it never gets any easier to swallow the hurt your own parents cause you. I think you guys should just be thankful that he was given a wonderful stepfather for 13 important years of his life. Giving him a good role model who showed him how to be the man he is today. My feelings are always this– if someone doesn’t want to be there, then don’t come. It sounds like his ex step father and his new wife are the only people in his life who are supportive of him and in my opinion, the only ones who should even be invited.
Post # 10
@vegempanada: I agree that he definitely wants to provoke you guys.
Even if he doesn’t his behavior is ridiculous and childish, to the point of toxicity. I’d not move forward with trying to have a relationship with this man, and just be there for your FI when he is sad about it.
Post # 11
Thank you ladies for your advice. I really appreciate it, im just venting some anger because i couldn’t imagine how parents can do this to their kids. I grew up blessed with great parents and family and that’s why i just couldn’t see the logic on this. It doesn’t make sense to me. I just want to find out how i can make him realize what he’s doing is not right but i guess i really can’t, this is just the way he is. I just feel so sorry for FI to have to go through from when he is young and still continuing until now. I dont want this kind of person near my kids someday so we would just cut him off on our life.
Post # 12
@mary_p0sa: I think it’s horrible how some parents treat their children. I would give up if I were him. It sounds like his dad is willing to write him off over something so small that he’s not worth the trouble anymore. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but if he doesn’t have any expectations of his biological father, then he won’t ever be disappointed by him again.
Post # 14
I know it might be the wrong thing to say. but in the grand scheme of things it might be a better thing that your FI’s dad is distancing himself. Does he seem like a positive influence on his life? From your writings it doesn’t sound like it.
You can’t fix the problems in his family. You can give him a happy, stable and loving home, which sounds like more than he’s gotten from his parents.
Post # 15
Yes. I know he wouldn tell me he doesnt care because this is not the first time his dad would do something like this but i know all his life he’s always longed for his dad approval and up to this point he still never got it and he didn’t do anything to deserve this. my FI is not perfect but he’s a good person.
He even told me my he loves my family more because they care about him more than his own family.
Post # 16
That eviction notice on the door for no reason is so similar to a lot of the things I’ve experienced growing up that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I think you guys should just quit trying to include such a horrible person in your life. There seem to be no redeeming qualities in this person other than he gave your FI half on his DNA. If this RSVP deal was an isolated incident it might be able to be worked out but it isn’t, and it’s just so petty for an adult to do regardless of the reason! Both you and your FI might want to read the book “Toxic Parents”, I found it last year by chance and it put a lot of things in perspective for me.